I talk in pictures, not in words.

I talk in pictures, not in words
Overloaded with everything we said
Be careful where you tread


Some of my favourite pictures and memories over the last 10 odd years

Derby Feste 2017

Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things – Cicero


Relaxation techniques and spirituality as a coping mechanism

I think since looking at CBT for both depression and anxiety has made feel more depressed and suicidal as it is delusional and offers no hope I now have to completely forget it and put it out my mind. This means every single book and website on how to overcome social anxiety is of no relevance and just a load of old bollocks. The entire emphasis seems to be to guilt trip you for not doing the HARD WORK required and try and blame you for something that was not your fault. It also pretends people dont notice you and what you do or act like even after years of ridicule and being seen as not worthy BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DO AND WHAT YU ACT LIKE! Guilt tripping depressed people makes them more likely to kill themselves. An obvious fact that many therapists despite their academic credentials appear to have no concept of. TWATS yes some therapists are genuine TWATS! One things for sure obsessing on anxiety has made me feel much worse and more anxious. Even walking down the street and trying to make eye contact with strangers as SO MANY anxiety books advise made me worse as many people looked back at me like I was a strange weirdo or TWAT.  So giving me less confidence then. Which is what I expected and proves much of CBT advise is absolutely SHIT!

I can only move on to other realms before its too late. Relaxation techniques, the power of Now, learning to not give a f**k what other people think of me and maybe , just maybe spirituality although many people who have spirituality websites appear to speak even more bollocks than religion. The idea that people choose to be reborn and that they agree to go through appalling lives is just absurd in the extreme. Many of them even believe that alien beings are living in human bodies and that the Royal family are really reptilian alien creatures!  At least it makes me laugh when I watch the Queens speech!

However quantum physics is absolutely fascinating. Some actual proper real life scientisty people believe that our very consciousness affects matter, that matter can instantaneously affect matter on the other side of the universe, that every thing we see may be not actually solid as it only appears in wave form like some giant hologram and that there are infinite amount of universes with every possible variation all happening at once. Oh and that time is changeable depending on circumstances and that there are other dimensions.  Coping mechanism it may be but if it works who cares and anyway its no different in that way than religion. I may even put a question mark on the name of this blog to see death as a possibility rather than a statement of fact although at the moment in time I still see no way out and have no idea what to do. At least Jesus offers way more hope than any CBT anxiety workbooks.

What It’s Like to Be a 58-Year-Old Virgin

While looking on the American social anxiety forum I came across this link on a 58 year old virgin. Yes, someone even older than me! Its always implied in our society that 99.9999 of people have f**ked by the age of 18 and that all virgins are freaks and should be ashamed as if they have committed some crime. However, in reality there must be lots of people who have never done it, asexuals  and people with mental and physical disabilities as well as the very mad like me.

Here are some excerpts from the link;

So, when you say you’re a virgin, how do you define that? Have you engaged in any sexual acts at all?
“Nothing whatsoever, with anybody. I gave a girl a kiss on the lips when I was a kid, but it wasn’t a make-out or anything. That was before adolescence; those hormones and desires hadn’t kicked in. “

The last, and the only, time you kissed a girl was nearly 50 years ago.

ME;Well thats one more than me. I have never kissed anything except my dogs.

Have you ever seen a woman naked, in real life?
“When I was in my 20s, I lived by a lake and I saw some skinny dippers, but I didn’t talk to them because I didn’t think they’d be interested in me.”

ME;No, never. I had to look on the internet to see what female private parts even looked like. Argh, they are as ugly as men’s parts!

When you were younger, did you fantasize about having sex a lot?
“Of course.”

ME;Not me, almost never. I had only two erections before the age of 27. Ah there’s your problem.

How often did you masturbate?
“Every second or third day. Sometimes I would go a week or a week and a half. I never had any problems reaching an orgasm.”

ME; Before 27 almost never, after well quite a lot.

Did you date or have girlfriends?
“I’ve only ever been on one date and I have never been in a relationship.”

ME; No, never.  In fact in 20 years of work I barely spoke to a female in a friendly way and although I had some male friends I never went to clubs or bars or anywhere as I was too ashamed of my shyness.

Do you think it’s harder trying to lose your virginity if you’re a man because you have to initiate?
“I think so. Women either think I’m going too slow or too fast and I can’t seem to find an in between.”

Obviously. Women barely even speak to a man first anywhere unless they already know him and trust him.  Then if he acts shy she sees it as a rejection and runs a mile. If a women acts shy the guy usually carries on chatting her up.

What happens when you try to talk to women?
“My mind just goes blank. There’s nothing I can think to say.”

ME; Yes me too I used to do that and also blush and stammer and sweat uncontrollably.  Feel the fear and do it anyway didn’t work as women don’t like people who make them feel uncomfortable.  VERY SHY MEN make almost all women feel VERY uncomfortable. I wasn’t sweet or cute. Girls didn’y like me. This is the HUGE difference in social anxiety in regards gender differences. Men and women do not act the same way at all when it comes to flirting. In fact I felt hated and thats why I avoided girls even more.

What’s the hardest part about being a 58-year-old-virgin?
“Laying alone at night, falling asleep and then getting up in the morning and remembering you’re alone. It’s like waking up to the same nightmare every single day.”

That is true, In fact I often wake up and wish I had died in the night. However its also looking on Facebook and seeing even the complete assholes I used to work with all married with kids now. It seems it does not matter what you look like and what your personality is like almost everybody finds someone. So social anxiety is much more serious that people think and has also wrecked my career and even meant I quit college. Then the final kick in the nuts is that you are always the one blamed for not doing enough even though its not your fault, then when you do try and act shy people treat you like a piece of scum.

In fact I wonder how many suicides which are attributed to depression and also deaths from alcohol and drug abuse and even being made homeless have social anxiety as the route cause. Probably quite a lot.

Is it really a good thing to open up?

I was thinking about the recent campaign in the UK directed especially at men to make them talk about their problems and open up as there are lots more male suicides. Yet immediately when you look on anxiety forums the people who are miserable are derided and put down, almost told off for being too miserable. Members complain of anyone with negativity and a lack of motivation as if they are just wallowing in self pity. So people stay quiet and are reluctant to post and reluctant to  say how they really feel. This is even on a support forum for mental health, in real life its often much harder as many people dont have anyone to talk to at all who is understanding.  Yet all positive posts and blogs are praised as if its simply a choice.  Surely this only encourages people with depression to stay quiet and then they are more likely to get even more depressed and commit suicide. Yet more hypocrisy in the wonderful world of mental health. Tell us how you feel but stop being such a miserable bastard!


Are regrets really worse than rejection?

I say this because this is what the motivational guy on TV said yesterday morning. The thing is if putting myself in social situations caused intense anxiety and most importantly humiliation and ridicule as exposure therapy wants us to do then I would rather die. The bad reactions would make me suicidally depressed and give up, not more determined to carry on. In fact if you go back to when the odd girl liked me at work I don’t regret not talking to  them at all. I was a blushing stammering awkward social inept wreck so was in no position to MAKE WITTY BANTER and ask a girl out and be normal. The idea that it was simply avoidance which ruined things and all I had to do was force myself to speak is total bullshit. Speaking was the problem as words came out which made no sense at all and made me feel like a complete idiot or worse still I froze completely like a dummy.

Almost all social anxiety advise is for moderate shyness and a little bit of nerves and not debilitating anxiety which makes you feel like killing yourself and crying in your sleep hoping to die. Although the positive people will say this is yet more excuses these are the same people that then attack you for acting shy when you do go out and ignore that social ineptitude makes other people dislike us for being awkward, quiet or boring. Once again especially true when talking about guys trying to chat women up as men are expected to be funny and interesting. Thats why women don’t usually have chat up lines as they expect the guy to lead. Being very shy makes you disliked, its not maladaptive thinking which means almost all therapy for severe social anxiety is fundamentally flawed. It only works for moderate shyness or for those who are already in a position to be proactive, optimistic , friendly and are not too depressed or have more severe physical problems.

I recently read that our initial depression often vanishes when we start therapy as it supposedly goes so well we gain confidence and enjoy it which is so far from my reality that I cant believe that therapy works for extreme anxiety or depression at all. In fact someone with such problems would find it almost impossible to even open up to a therapist or speak freely at all and especially in front of a group so going out and chatting to people on the street is miles away rather than an easy start to exposures. I have only been able to write about my problems after all these years by using this blog as the shame and embarrassment meant I never spoke about it when I was younger and I would still find in very hard in front of real people.

Sex and Intimacy

At the heart of my lunacy and resulting sadness is the knowledge that I cant have a loving intimate relationship now. Its over. Too late for this lifetime.  There was a dating expert offering advice to older people on TV this morning who was so annoying I just wanted to punch him. One of those motivational assholes “Just do it! Get out there! What have you got to lose!” a man with a trendy haircut.  He advised one women who was 61 that “You could have 50 years left!”(Really? a tad overoptimistic maybe?) “You will look back on this in 10 years time and think you looked great, regrets are worse than rejection. I want you to go out today and deliberately get rejected.” which she said she would as if his motivational clap trap had already brainwashed her. I wonder if she is going to chat someone up at Tesco. I wonder how a 61 year old woman even makes the fist move in order to get rejected considering even most young women never make the first move. Shhh its true!

Funny but getting rejected in any way(not sexually obviously!) or even spoken to badly would always make me feel worse and I would become more avoidant, not get used to it. And then of course there are just so many women who complain about guys coming on to them all the time and yet all therapy says that you should come on to women all the time! Confusing eh? However, if you are already shy and awkward you may as well be dribbling and scratching your groin as you talk as almost all women hate shy awkward men so  you will get rejected( or reported or harassment!)

I don’t know if its because I did not ejaculate until I was 27 so perhaps my mind is 15 years behind what it should be but I find most women my age to be wrinkly , looking old and well as sexually appealing as a haddock. Yes , I know I am too but that just makes it even harder. The idea that I must find women my age attractive because other people demand it doesn’t make it true any more than demanding I turn gay and find hairy bearded men attractive or that I should want to shag sheep. The weird thing is that people seem to think that men are perverts for liking younger women but almost all people look their most attractive in their twenties and thirties and get uglier with age and almost all rich men(or my former manager!) go for and easily get younger women(what a surprise!)

Its not even about sex now as I have gone without that for all my life anyway. Its really about intimacy,love, growing old with someone. It always has been really. its about sharing my life with someone and being with someone and most importantly just holding someone when feeling down. But I still have to be attracted to them.

Of course I would also have to have financial stability first anyway which means a job is an essential and that looks just as impossible to me as dating as I have numerous problems including health. This is why I am getting more depressed with each day that passes and am starting to want to leave more. All hope is gradually being diminished as I cant see any therapy or treatment that would help as I would still have enormous difficulty getting anyone to employ me and doing a job that I hate would not make me any happier so my depression comes from real problems which need fixing, not a chemical imbalance. This is why all motivational stuff just makes me feel more depressed. I just read that someone who got much better saw their therapists for over 3 years! The NHS gives you 12 weeks at most.  Do people who advise going to a private therapist think everyone is already a millionaire?

When you smile

I cant smile at all. I tried doing it in every possible variation looking in the bathroom mirror last night but looked more like the picture above(but with worse teeth!). I never smiled in any school pictures but people thought I was just unhappy about being forced to have my picture taken. I think it may have to do with being born with a hair lip which really meant my lip went up to my nose and back down showing a huge gap which had to be sown back together again. As a result I have no feeling in the upper lip or control. Thank God my parents agreed to the operation at an early age as I have seen some people who never had it done and still have a gap.  I can sort of lift the corners of my mouth in a mock smile but it still looks false.  Yet smiling is a massive thing in gaining trust and building confidence and you get told to do this all the while for SA treatment. But I cant. Perhaps I should get a cap and doff it at people as I pass them or salute.

It seems blindingly obvious but many people may have SA because of real problems, far worse than mine like physical disabilities or being different. For instance if you were the only kid in your class from a particular immigrant background and did not understand the language very well its not  hard to imagine them not fitting in and developing SA. There are loads of physical disabilities and differences and kids are very cruel if you are the odd one out.  I was also very fat as a child and would not go swimming as the other boys said I had TITS so its another reason to not fit in.  Lots of these problems start at school and affect you the whole of your life.Its just that the self help books all talk about it(SOCIAL ANXIETY) purely from a your nuts and its all delusional thinking type of way when it sometimes isn’t.

For instance my voice has always been exceptionally weak so whenever I tried to make conversation if I did go out somewhere and there was any kind of background noise then it was very strained and awkward and people often did not understand me and so I gave up. There is no way on earth I would have gone to a party or nightclub with loud pumping music as I might as well have been mute. Oh and having a weak voice is also another embarrassing thing for a young man. There’s a reason why so many women like a Barry White voice as its considered manly. Weak voice, weak man. etc. and women are often just as picky as men are.

So why do all therapists claim that your problems are made up or delusional and that no one notices anyway or cares? As mentioned many times my blushing was chronic at one stage, very humiliating and people ALWAYS noticed and often mocked me. Its the same with sweating and yet self help books telling people to deliberately make themselves sweat and go out and no one will notice. Its a lie. There are people on TV regularly who claim they have been viciously bullied at school or work for looking or acting different. People do notice differences and people do mock. Its this sort of thing that gives me no confidence in therapy whatsoever as either they don’t know what they are talking about or they are deliberately lying. Sound like most politicians.