“During the past decade sociologists have published numerous
research studies which have highlighted the importance of informal
friendship networks. One of the key findings to emerge from this work
is the fact that most Americans of both sexes initially meet their future
marriage partners through their friends.
The reality of the situation is that women tend to be quite wary of strangers. The reality of the situation is that informal friendship networks instigate far more male-female relationships that eventually lead to cohabitation and/or marriage than do all impersonal meeting grounds put together.
This represents a social fact of the most profound sort for our
understanding of the plight of shy men, and for our efforts to
understand how they got to be love-shy in the first place. Even the best
employment opportunities are obtained some 70 percent of the time through the proper and effective use of informal social networks.
Love and work, the two most indispensably crucial ingredients of life, are
both a direct byproduct of how successful people are in cultivating highly
satisfying, quality friendship networks. The more solid our friendship
networks are, the more solid will be our satisfactions and rewards in
both LOVE and WORK.
A related fact is that it is actually easier to meet members of the
opposite sex through friendship networks than through any other means.
It requires a significantly greater amount of courage and self-confidence
to initiate a conversation with a total stranger than it does to initiate one
with someone to whom one has been introduced by a mutual friend.
Of course, shyness above and beyond a certain point of severity
prevents a person from ever immersing himself into any informal social
This is more from the Love shyness book from Gilmartin. Its pretty obvious to me and I had come to the conclusion myself years ago. Its staggering though how many people are not aware of the most fundamental aspects of human behaviour. The British comedian who made a program on shyness interviewed another famous comedian and they both said they could never go up to a woman and chat her up first although I think they both still got married. And these are relatively normal men who are on TV in the UK regularly and appear on panel shows all the time. I think they are both married.
It shows how beneficial it is to be in a friendship network first in order to get relationships which means being normal and getting over crippling shyness first. I had some male friends while at work, some of them even had girlfriends but most of them thought i was weird/strange and we never went out in a group situation or with other available females. A couple of times we were left alone together by chance and they(the girlfriends) were incredibly awkward in my presence. In fact I would still go as far to say that being very shy actually repulsed many females at work and they openly hated me and avoided me even more. So it must be true for many other very shy men. So you become even more avoidant a syou know people dislike you. You don’t go around smiling at girls and making witty banter even more as CBT books demand because you have to get over crippling shyness first and have basic social skills to even make simple conversation that’s good enough to get liked. That’s because shy men make females very uncomfortable which is much more important for a man as women almost never make the first move and if they do and a man acts shy they think he is not interested or being rude and they move on.
Not being in any friend network is very important and completely overlooked in all the books I have read on social anxiety. They drum it into you ad-infinitum that as a straight man you simply must approach attractive woman and make witty banter at them to get any chance of a relationship and if you keep doing it you will get better when acting shy in front of girls often goes wrong and makes you worse. they ignore that so many normal men get to know someone first through friends or work so they dont just approach random females and make witty banter at bus stops. Its also why so many people I worked with moved on to other jobs as they almost all knew people who worked at other places and got them in whereas I worked in the same company for 20 years and never ever come across any other job or could even find one when I looked in the newspaper. (no internet in those days!) I only got that job in the first place as my dad knew someone already there!