Another Brick in the Wall


I am still toying with the idea of going doctors later this month. Its only really a last resort and in case drugs may help me feel better as my stress and insomnia have been far worse over the last few months or so. Any therapy is still pointless to me though as the waiting list is over 6 months and CBT as mentioned many times before is a non starter due to it demanding a willingness to do anything and be extremely proactive for anxiety when none of my negativity is catastrophising. I have no idea how CBT could work for depression as my problems are all real and my life already forked.

If people lives dont  go as bad as they imagined then try looking at the vastly increased amounts of homeless people on the streets (of the UK at leas)t and ask them if they are optimistic about their future and if they expected to be living on the streets when they were still at school. I wonder how many of them also have un-diagnosed mental health issues. The idea that seeing the doctor is a vital first step to recovery is often misplaced as for so many only leads to struggle to get any suitable treatment at all and then often blames you for not being prepared to do the hard work.


Happy Holidays


I had 12 days away for Christmas and got back Wednesday afternoon. It was good but the shock of getting back has meant that I have already taken 2 sleeping tablets on my first two evenings back.  They were bought off of the internet as my doctor would not give me any when I went years ago and have something called Doxylamine succinate in them. They work but by God they make you feel rough the next day, almost like a bad hangover and anything that stimulates the brain creates pain or annoyance.

This was entirely due to my living situation and noise anxiety so once again shows that people have real problems and just doing relaxation exercises are fecking useless. Thankfully I did not need one last night and have just been on a two hour walk but the negativity is still there like the hand of death gripping my bollocks and dragging me down to hell. No, Still can’t think of any reason to be optimistic. Happy New Year!

The Shortest Day

I managed to go out again yesterday for one last trip before I go away for Christmas. I was happy to see the crow which came and landed on a post when it saw me, hoping for more biscuits which he got. This time he flew off to gather some more crows together and by the time left there was a small group of them so I hope to go back in the new year and get them used to being fed.


I also saw a group of large stags, more settled now that the rut is well and truly over and feeding themselves in order to get put on enough weight to survive winter. I did not get too close but they did not seem as aggressiveness as previous years. I would like to get a another shot of them on snow but it rarely snows in the UK before Christmas and some years not at all for most of us on lower lying ground.

DSC_0270So I did see my final sunset of the year. Today would have been more appropriate as its the winter solstice but the weather is cloudy and wet here.  Tomorrow( UK Trains permitting!) I hope to go away  to stay with friend. Its only a one hour train journey but even that makes me anxious. Merry Christmas.31445832427_3c52a53c93_b


Some pictures from yesterdays walk.  Watching the sun set is almost a spiritual experience and reminds me of how small we are and that we are all part of one giant connected thing.  I particularly like the period after dusk when the daylight birds start to roost and other nocturnal animals emerge to feed. All matter including our own bodies was created at the big bang so everything we see even if re-arranged many times is over 13 billion years old. Everything is also made up of balls spinning around other balls whether its atoms at high speed in miniature or the cosmos at a slower speed on a massive scale. We still dont know if its infinite.




Christmas Time

In the middle of this gloom of depression and loneliness I am very grateful for my one and only true friend who I have known and visited for the last 13 years and who I shall hopefully be spending this Christmas with. I know many people have no one at all and Christmas is the worst time of year.  I took this picture last year in front of their tree. This was the first Christmas I has spent with someone in over 20 years.