No, not me obviously, I’m several centuries older than 37 and never had sex. Someone on the UK anxiety forum posted a BBC article about a man who suffered from social anxiety and did not have sex until he was 37. Its a very familiar story though.
Here is the link: BBC Story
Some interesting quotes from the article:
“If you go through your late teens and early 20s without going out with people, you don’t have the evidence that builds up and says: “Yes, people can like me because look: I’ve had that girlfriend and that girlfriend.” That allows the sense that you are unattractive to persist and to be reinforced.”
Yes feeling disliked your whole life never goes away even online and even on social anxiety forums which are only supportive and friendly to certain people so you never gain confidence.
“Most of my friends had girlfriends. I watched from the sidelines while they were starting relationships and, later, getting married. That had a corrosive effect on my self-esteem, in a drip-drip way.”
God yes, I still remember my very best friend from school telling me about his first sexual experience with a girl when he started college. It happens to others, not me. I am not normal. 30 years later its still the same. Of course society shames older virgins so you stay quiet.
“I look back now and for about 15, probably 20 years, I really wasn’t touched by a human being or held by anyone apart from immediate members of my family, like my mum, my dad and my sisters. Apart from that, any sort of physical, intimate contact was absent. So it’s not just about sex.”
This is something that is seldom spoken about with our obsession with sex, intimacy. People need and crave intimacy. I think I hugged my mum when I quit college at 16 which she did not seem to like much(Our family was not close.) but then did not hug anyone else until I made an online friend 22 years later and met her in real life.
Forget about sex or being a virgin, it was the intimate side of a relationship that I always craved. Being with someone and sharing things, going places and watching TV together. All that. In fact I sometimes watch Youtube videos of normal people doing normal things and cry knowing that my chance has gone forever.
It might have been a defence mechanism on my part, but I developed a deep feeling that it might be wrong to approach women and that it might be an imposition on them. I was certainly never going to be that guy who “used” women.I felt women had the right to go about everyday life and enjoy a night out without having anyone approach them.
Thats almost exactly how I felt, still feel. How dare this weird creepy guy try to chat women up! F**K off! Women are always complaining about guys coming on to them and yet as 99% of them never make the first move its also the only way for a man to get a relationship, by coming on to them, well before the internet anyway. However you also have to remember even some of the most obnoxious girls who worked in the warehouse with me still treated me with contempt for being shy so I felt rejected and a freak anyway even to girls I found repulsive.
I often became friends with women I was attracted to. I’m sure many of them were completely unaware of my romantic feelings.
Ah, a huge difference with me, I never had any female friends in 20 years at work. They were like a different sub species of human. I remember my shock when this young Asian temp girl was friendly with me and spoke to me every day. It was so easy to talk to her because she was the friendly one doing the hard work. I thought this is what it must be like for the majority of women. They get guys approach them and start talking and make all the WITTY BANTER so its easy to answer back and this is why they are completely shocked when someone male is shy and quiet like me as they are so used to males being loud and talkative and always initiating conversation. This is probably why there are 10 times more male virgins than female.Evolution? Men and woman are not the same shock horror!
“A woman never asked me out – that would have been nice! Perhaps it was less acceptable to do so at the time.”
HA! As if! Look back at many previous posts. Even nowadays when I checked online 93% of females in a modern American college admitted they had never made the first move on a guy. Perhaps its genetic. I would even go so far as to guess that the 7% that did probably knew him first and so trusted him. Trust is the key. Its the same for some animals. The male has to gain the females trust as he is potentially the dangerous one or the one that can get her pregnant and then leave her.
First of all I gained a little bit of confidence in myself through the counselling. Secondly I think the antidepressants might have had an impact – I think they can act as a little bit of an anti-shyness pill.
Nice to know that therapy or counseling helps some people but obviously not everyone. I wonder if he did exposure therapy. He was still in a job though so saw people daily and asked someone out and had sex at 37 for the very first time. At 40 he got married to a woman he worked with and they stayed married for the next 17 years until she passed away. Its sad after waiting all that time to lose her and be left alone again even if they did have 17 years together.
“I look back on my youth with a sense of regret. It’s almost as though I am grieving for something that didn’t take place. I feel there’s a stack of fond memories that aren’t available to me, or a set of experiences that I didn’t have.”
Now this is exactly how I feel. Its too late now to ever have the things I missed out on: This is from a previous post of mine:
“It hurts you are not one of them and never have been. The first kiss, the first date, starting a family and a new home. It never happened. You hear time and time again that you are young and these things will just happen one day. Well they didn’t and I pretty much knew they wouldn’t even when I was still at school.”
“At this age I often feel like mourning for the things I never had and yet the world we live in and society just ridicules and blames you as if you failed simply for not trying hard enough and you deserve what you get. So you stay silent and hidden. I have an ever present sadness that never goes away and overwhelms me. It must be kept in the background at all times or my real desperation and panic emerges and then death is that much closer. All this failure due to being too shy.”
Death by Shyness indeed. To those ignorant people that think that I just need to do the HARD WORK. GO F**K yourself!