Gradual Changes

It was mostly cloudy this week so did not go far. Easter weekend was quite hard to cope with and I went into another mood nosedive despite going out on three of the four days. I even drank in the afternoon for the first time in ages. I am mostly watching YouTube videos about fluffy puppies at the moment and yearning to be reunited with my past dogs. If only it was that simple and then I would would choose to go immediately. Hopefully with the shops opening again on Monday there will be slightly less people about and greater photo opportunities in more peace. I wish. I did go to the botanic gardens last Monday and managed to get a glimpse of the daffodils though the railings. Its still closed but due to open in May again for the first time in over a year. I may even be able to visit my friend next month. Everything depends on if the virus goes rampant again and if we have yet another lockdown. You may as well flip a coin these days to decide what Boris will do. Its probably government policy on most subjects.

Good Friday Walk

In years gone by we used to have one of the biggest passion plays in the country on Good Friday but that died out even before the pandemic struck. Lack of funds again. It was a good photo opportunity but also very spiritually uplifting. The power of Christ compels me! I used to go to that and then if the weather was good spend the afternoon in the woodland not far form the country park. One year I just sat on a fallen tree trunk in the middle of the wood away from the paths in a state of blissful mindfulness before I knew what that meant, time being non existent and relative. if only that could have happened again. By contrast today was a state of high anxiety and misery but that normal these days. The bluebells are still some weeks off being in full flower but the wood anemones often form carpets of white over parts of the wood and the wild garlic is growing fast. Many small birds are starting to form into pairs for nesting. Despite lockdowns restrictions, at least the wood and parks are open at the moment unlike last spring when they closed down entirely for about 3 months from late march onwards. After temperatures of about 21C only last Tuesday it has now dipped to about 10C so is distinctly chilly again but there were still lots of people about. Unfortunately the sun would not come out until I left the woods so I may have to go back again before they are gone for another year.

Light in the Darkness

“In order for the light to shine so brightly the darkness must be present.” Francis Bacon

I still felt quite ill yesterday with more aching following my jab. Fortunately I feel better today, well for a mental person anyway. While I am at it I also have to say I hate this new WordPress editor! Anyway I went for a couple of small walks but as the temperature went above 20 degrees the parks and streets were absolute full of people so I did not feel that comfortable. What is it about some men going shirtless when the first bit of spring sunshine arrives. Its still March FFS! It also means our neighbours have got the barbie out billowing smoke all over the garden. Thankfully the temperature is set to drop again.

Big Prick, Little Prick

Just a little prick... : memes

So after booking my vaccine jab online on Friday it gave me Sunday as the next appointment date only two days later. The nearest centre was not that close as it was a 4 mile walk and limited buses as it was on a Sunday. Thankfully the weather was OK and I had been there before and got there so early I had to walk around and not look in any shops as they are still closed until April 12th. Even the outside seats were taped up in case people my God actually sit on them. But its Ok to go in the supermarket and touch the same self service screen as hundreds without any cleaning and cashier with no gloves touches hundreds of items and change without cleaning between customers. Its almost as if they dont really care.

Anyway the people were quite nice. I did not embarrass myself by starting clucking like a chicken unexpectedly and there were also no queues. I even managed to walk home afterwards again without fainting. However I woke up in the middle of the night and had intense aching all over, head pains, trouble breathing, feeling sick, stomach pains. In fact I have not felt this bad since two years ago when I actually caught flu/covid. I was going to go shopping later but I may have to go bed early. if I now develop a cough which lasts 8 days it is probably as bad as actually catching Covid! But as the official average age of death from Covid in the UK is 82(one more than normal) then the chances of covid actually killing me were probably nil, especially as my immune system was probably working better than this F**king vaccine. As my next shot is only two days before the restrictions on travel are supposed to end in June and I was hoping to visit my friend for the first time since January 2020 I may book up and cancel just in case. After all I only wanted it for a travel pass to catch a train in my own country and that may mean I need a very expensive smartphone for an app anyway.

Yes, vaccines do have side effects! Now my arm is also starting to ache, 25 hours later.

Warning on leaflet. This product contains genetically modified organisms.

The Illusion of Hope

I wanna be forgiven
I wanna laugh with children
Won’t you ever forgive me?
Please, please forgive me
I wanna hug my mother
And the sky above her
I want the Earth to open up
And hold me

Crowded House

I looked at a site today with ways to help depression. They included the usual things like sleep better, eat healthier, dont drink, take exercise etc. But I was then reminded of something I heard the other day along the lines of that this is all delusional shit. If your life is F**ked already and you have to fix all those normal life problems first. In fact that’s the reason so many people drink, take drugs and become depressed in the first place. Its not a chemical imbalance for many if not most people.

The main problems for most people are jobs, relationships/ family and living conditions. The thing is I have been unemployed for years now, never had a relationship and hate the house and area I am living in. In fact these things seem so hard to alter now that all hope is removed creating only despair and depression and then suicide ideation. Like I have said before suicide is not always from someone in a delusional state of mind. Often its extremely logical and entirely due to normal human behaviour. For instance being homeless would drive many people to suicide. mostly all human do is mock people for not sorting their lives out themselves and only pretend that help exists to comfort ourselves.

The only option I could think of would be to apply for every job ever seen anywhere and hope someone took pity on me if they somehow understood mental health problems but the shame of now being unemployed for over 15 years(yes really!) and not having any good explanation apart from madness is so overwhelming I actually choose death. I could not do a CV or get any references either and would find it hard to sell myself in an interview as I believe I am shit and have no qualifications. In reality I am over now over 50, have choric leg condition where I cant do manual work, have depression and anxiety and memory problems after punching myself in the head for years, drinking heavily and taking all kinds of allergy and sleeping tablets that seem to be affecting my memory and sense of reality, In fact I now drink daily and have gone up from about 30 to 40 units per week. Oh and we have a pandemic with millions more looking for work soon and years of poverty ahead.

The odd walk, the odd day trip, listening to songs, TV show has had no effect but to plug the gaps and avoid the inevitable void and fear of death. The underlying misery and loneliness I have had since childhood has never gone away and now its too late to change or hope any more. People who dont believe in God or any afterlife then still believe in the miracle of hope on earth with absolutely no logic or reason whatsoever. I have also learnt that whatever happens they simply blame you for not doing everything on your own to change your life anyway and then pretending there was lots of help available. There never has been, I’ve looked online for the past 15 years, its all a big lie. Every day, I feel like the end is getting nearer.

To Jab or not to Jab

Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
They’ve come to take me home.”

A cover version of Solsbury Hill by someone called Reina del Cid but originally by Peter Gabriel of course . Still one of my all time favourites, some songs touch the very soul for various reasons. I know by memory almost every word of every song Peter Gabriel has released and this still invokes tears. Despite years of madness at least I got to see him sing it live on stage.

In other news I got my Covid invitation for a jab letter yesterday. I am still in two minds whether to get it. Well I often want to die so it doesn’t really matter if it kills me but I also want to live long enough to see my only friend again and I might need my Nazi style government vaccine papers to travel on a train to a city 40 miles away. I dont need the vaccine to protect me from the virus as I almost certainly have already had it and I am not over 80 years of age. Its a dilemma. If we lockdown for a 4th time like most of Europe then it probably doesn’t matter. If I come back in another life I might learn to drive next time although I may wait long enough until all cars are automated.