Something triggered my insomnia again last night so I took two tablets which made me feel groggy all day and seemed to induce my dizzy spells for the first time in a few weeks. That and also the afternoon showers put me off walking until after 4.30 pm but I am pleased I did as I came across this rainbow over the city centre which once again shows the benefit of taking a camera with me just in case. The spire is the small cathedral where the peregrine falcons are breeding.
With no rain I want to the botanic gardens on Sunday afternoon to see if there were any more signs of spring. The gardens here are three large houses and land that were once owned by rich people and was bought by the university and houses used for various activities and some student accommodation and the gardens merged together. They even have some old stable buildings left from when all the rich people owned horses. The daffodils here are just starting to bloom now but are still a couple of weeks off their prime. I dont know if its just me but spring seems to be later this year. The first bees I saw a few weeks back must surely have have perished in that snow. I have kept a record of my first frog spawn in my own garden pond for the last 25 years and the last three years have been the latest on record. Coincidence or global cooling? Shhhhh!
A showery afternoon on Saturday so I just went a brief walk through my local park and took the photo of the above daffodil in some sunshine.
A favourite picture form October 2018. The stags are only young and practising their rutting technique. I like the long grass and the look in their eyes. Its not as sharp as others as it was taken with the utterly useless Tamron 80-300 lens which I stopped using altogether after a couple of years. Despite money being too tight to mention may try and get a sigma 70-300 second hand for one last attempt. That’s only if the banks dont all collapse in the next few weeks!
A lone tree at twilight The thing about being a non driver is that even with public transport and I have to get a bus to the park and back, there is still a 30 minute walk from the bus stop to the country park so I see far more of everything, sometimes good like the above tree and sometimes bad like a dead badger I saw near here a while ago.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain…
I had hoped for one more day of snow this winter, preferably with some sunshine and yet the weather forecast had said rain for Thursday night so I thought my chance had gone. However when I awoke Friday there was more snow still lying on the ground than the night before and with sunshine forecast for the later half of the day I rushed back to the deer park before it melted. After all it may be my last snow ever.
Peace or even relaxation has been extremely hard and getting worse no matter what techniques I try which I often look for on YouTube. Even today my PC seems to have 50 updates running every time I turn it on which make it slower than a Sinclair ZX81 loading from a cassette in 1982. These little things create more anxiety all the time. Computers never seem to run faster as they simply invent programs that slow then down to the same level whatever the age. Its like building more and more roads to ease congestion which instantly become congested and its always still the same.
However on Friday with snow as far as the eye could see and warm sunshine I felt genuinely at peace for the first time in ages. After walking around the park for 3 hours I found little signs of the deer who were no doubt feeding on the sanctuary part of the park but I simply knew I would see then later and as I descended form the hill the entire red deer heard were crossing the small river and I was able to follow them for a bit and eventually I stayed until the sun set at about 5.45pm. Of course the crows found me easily and then ate an entire packet of biscuits as they followed me around the park Cawing. Interestingly 5 separate people spoke to me first which is more than I usually speak to in an entire year and could just be the excitement of the snow or that as I was happy I did not look such a miserable folker for once. The law of attraction? Connecting with nature like this can make you feel so much better but how is it possible to find any inner peace for the rest of time without moving home, finding a job I liked and meaningful human connections. I still fear its way too late for this now.
The view out of my bedroom window this morning. One final blast of winter. I did think of going to the deer park but with rain due this afternoon and wet pavements I decided to leave it although of course I now regret it as that will be almost certainly ne the last snow this winter and just to rub it in it snowed more heavily about lunchtime and somebody took a great deer picture in the falling snow on Instagram. Only two days earlier I saw this long tailed tit looking like it was searching for nesting material or perhaps just food. I also came across a kingfisher but that was too far away and they seldom come very close. The hedgehog has also returned to my garden so I fed it some biscuits and also too some to the crows at the cemetery. I did feel slightly better but alas the insomnia once again has returned and I took 2 tablets last night to help me to sleep which always depress me the day after.
Another dull week but after watching a documentary on Highgate cemetery in London I went back to the local one again. The advantage of this cemetery is that as its quite old and most of the dead have long gone so there are few people left alive to visit loved ones even on weekends. The older graves being Victorian. Its quite big but obviously not as large or interesting as Highgate. However, it was somewhat of a refuge during the 2020 lockdowns for my weekly walks so become a regular escape or place for me to walk and talk to myself like a mad person. My anxiety has been getting worse yet again so it was good to be able to lurk alone for a while but took great mental fortitude not to keep going back into negative thinking. Thankfully I came across no vampires. I have been here at dusk but not in the dark. In reality the only danger wold be from local vandals and drug addicts. I did at last come across one of my ancestors names on a grave, there are supposed to be quite a few here but I suspect they were buried in the poorer graves which have long since been knocked down. Only the rich could afford to buy themselves such large extravagant graves an tombs. Perhaps they should have read the bit in the bible about rich men getting into heaven.
In my dream the pipes were playing
In my dream I lost a friend
Come down, Gabriel, and blow your horn
‘Cause some day we will meet again
Fallen Angel, Robbie Robertson
The angel Gabriel is the herald of visions, messenger of God and one of the angels of higher rank. He makes God’s message understandable to people and helps them to accept it with a pure heart. Archangel Gabriel is the messenger angel of revelation, he clears away confusion and bestows wisdom on those who need it.
Death by Shyness 