For single people, does the fear of never finding anyone plague you?
This was a question on the anxiety forum recently. This was my reply.
“Its never been really a fear although there’s always been the hidden sadness behind everything and the realisation that it was never going to happen. Relationships were always what happened to other people and not me and nothing changed. I saw other young men at work chasing girls almost like a wildlife documentary. They had this deep desire and urge like a primal instinct. This was simply never there for me. I had no group of male peers, no friends so no pressure to comply as I never went out socialising. I also had a very low sex drive and simply did not have this insatiable urge to chase females. I never had a female befriend me at work let alone ask me out so it felt quite different speaking to males compared to females. Although I worked in a large company for 20 years I only got a small amount of attention from a few girls and that was only after they knew I liked them first and then all they would do was smile at best so I knew it was always up to me to approach and chat them up which I found almost impossible without a severe panic attack.
Thats because I found that debilitating shyness of blushing, sweating and being incapable of coherent speech let alone being expected to make jokes and chat up girls to be so humiliating I probably would have chosen death first rather than feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Its still something I think even many people who have had social anxiety and the self books have no concept of, the intense fear of humiliation which had me hiding in the toilets punching myself in the head and considering suicide when most of the young men my age were out at nightclubs each week and enjoying their life. Many girls say they like shy guys but I think crippling shyness makes people especially females deeply awkward and uncomfortable and is very unattractive. Its not even possible to have a conversation let alone date.In fact confidence is always one of the most attractive qualities women want in polls as confident men are usually more successful.
Even though I dont have debilitating shyness any more I find that my depression, paranoia and other issues to have gotten worse to compensate so I dont see an intimate relationship possible in this lifetime even if I got rid of all social anxiety tomorrow. Looking up help for depression and social anxiety has only increased my negativity as it looks completely useless to me and offers no hope whatsoever. Opportunities diminish greatly with time for a variety of reasons.”
I almost deleted it today but thought F**K it. People say be truthful and just be yourself and yet there is still this pressure not be negative or be seen to be wallowing in self pity either. Its a lose, lose situation. The majority of a group especially self help forums try to demand optimism and hope and stop people expressing their true feelings thus keeping the most depressed quiet and still depressed. Thats why so many suicidal people stay quiet. Nobody wants to hear you because you depress them!
That really is me in the photo. I was alone and used the self timer. I thought about jumping but it was only about 30 feet!
On Sunday I went to the annual Asian mela festival in the city centre. My mood is still quite low but getting out sometimes even for short periods can help briefly. Taking pictures is just about the only positive thing I can think to do at the moment. Although I dont like crowds hiding behind a camera is at least possible and I find it hard to do anything else or go anywhere as I cant find anywhere to go that is new or different and of course I have no transport. Oh no, I am being being negative again!
I tried to take some indoor pictures of flowers today. Unfortunately I lost the screw to fix my camera into my tripod so had to balance on a cushion instead. I put the flowers on a tray of water to try and get a reflection. The third is a seedling growing out of my sink plughole! They are OK but the Tamron lens is not really good enough to get any detail and I need a better lamp. Still its something creative(ish). I would love to get a better lens and do macro photography properly.
I always thought that astrology like spirituality that was also a load of old bollocks. However my friend quite likes both. Its quite strange for a doctor to be talking about astrology and reincarnation in a book on mental health issues though so I previously ignored it and yet while reading the book Shyness and Love by Doctor Brian Gilmartin again he says this:
“Down through the centuries it has been noticed that the severely love-shy (men in particular) are substantially more likely than the non-afflicted to have been born during the May 16 to 19 period than during any other four-day period of the calendar year. Men,in particular, who had been born during this four-day period are highly likely to be excessively passive. Further, the Caput Algol personality is commonly perceived as being “pleasant but noncompetitive”and sort of unambitious.”
I was born on May 16th! It may all be true. Or a quite amazing coincidence. Pleasant but non competitive! Another alternate title for this blog!
Another quite strange issue is I have always had a blocked up nose since I was a teenager as have my brother and sister who both suffered anxiety.
Indeed, if one were to predict among a large group of elementary school boys just exactly who is likely to go on to a life of chronic and painful love-shyness, there does not appear to be any better or more readily observable medical predictor than that of difficulties involving the nose.
In fact the men he questioned with social anxiety almost the majority had a blocked up nose compared to virtually none of those who were not socially anxious. This is incredible if true as I have never heard of this before. Does anxiety create nasal problems or the other way round? I also have allergy problems which he talks about as being more common.
I came across the term love-shyness many years ago. In fact there is a book all about it. http://www.angelfire.com/ab6/polepino/toc.html
It seems to be more specifically related to shy men that can’t chat women up although you would think it would still be applicable to women as many women are much shyer around men they find attractive too.
This is from The Times
“They dream of intimacy with a woman, but can’t even bring themselves to say hello. Are these men just very shy, or are they suffering from a rare psychological condition?
If this were a date, it would be the most uncomfortable date in history. John is sobbing, his shoulders heaving, his chin wobbling like a child’s. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I won’t be able to eat my lamb burger.” He looks up with big, sad eyes. “Sorry.”
John is 24, and I am the first female he’s ever been to lunch with. He is cripplingly, tongue-parchingly nervous, and it’s distressing to watch.”
This is almost how bad I was at work. Yes really! Although I never had to turn down a lamb burger as I never even got to go on a date! Its so humiliating you dare not even speak about it let alone look for help. You think about killing yourself! Yet there is no sympathy whatsoever, Only vicious ridicule and mocking. I could not even make eye contact with an attractive girl let alone speak or chat her up without blushing uncontrollably. Yet the advice on all websites is to approach women repeatedly and you are bound to make witty banter and get better! BOLLOCKS! They have not got a F**king clue! It also still ignores the fact that if its just as hard for women then why no woman ever approached me in 20 years at work or anywhere else for that matter. Yet only men are the cowards and deserving of ridicule? No, its not the same.
The book by Dr Gilmartin is not very popular though. Obviously anything that says men have anything worse is attacked as sexist although I have mentioned endlessly i think the difference between men and women’s behaviour when it comes to dating is hugely different and you are delusional if you think we both act the same. He also goes off onto some other quite strange subjects like astrology and reincarnation so I may read the book again to see if its accurate.
When searching Love shyness I came across a dating site where one woman says she went to the Love shyness forum to offer advice and was amazed at the men’s negativity. I wonder what it was? Just go talk to her! I wonder how she would react if someone as shy as the guy above tried to ask her out! There then follows about 15 pages of mostly young ignorant men calling all shy dateless men cowards and deserving to suffer. And yet these young guys almost all come across as arrogant obnoxious tossers. Yet they all get girls and think its easy. Everything to them is just about having the balls and guts to approach girls and saying that shy men are just using excuses. Even though none of them have been cripplingly shy or ridiculed for it.
One thing I notice about the internet is seeing on so many forums like this that the human race is full of vile human beings who mock everyone who is different. Young men are the worst. You cant hang around with other young men like this or make friends if you are very shy as they are all trying to just F**k girls, congratulate themselves as heroes for simply having sex and ridicule anyone who cant. Yet as I quit college I had to work in a warehouse full of them for years. Its not all one way of course as the Incel forums are full of bitter male virgins who hate women. To me this makes a complete mockery of most CBT as it shows that people do notice your behaviour and they ridicule you for being different. In fact I am not surprised that male suicide is so much higher. if you dont fit in to social norms then you are treated like a freak.
I was looking for support groups again the other night. I have the urge to speak to real humans but have no idea what to do. The problem is I could not find any in my city at all. There is none for depression or anxiety on meetup.com within 20 miles. I dont think I would go to a social anxiety meetup now anyway. There have only been two in my city in the last 10 years and both collapsed as nobody turned up. The second one only lasted a couple of weeks but I was interested as the people appeared to be older. Isn’t it funny that age matters hugely and yet we pretend it doesn’t? Its almost treated in the same was as racism or sexism in that its offensive to mention age as if it doesn’t matter. Yet it matters enormously. People mostly befriend and have relationships with those within about 5 years of age. There is no way i would feel comfortable going to any meetup with much younger people as I am over 40 and especially a social anxiety group with young females. Nightmare scenario! Mind you I would not feel comfortable with anyone human. Damn humans! I have never got on with them!
I thought a depression meetup would be better or depression mixed with anxiety as they are so common together. However is it really helpful to speak to people if you are too depressed as you are expected to make pleasant conversation? Will it help me if they are so depressing that they make me feel even worse? After all the advice online is to remove negative people from our life so what do we do if we are the negative ones? It still rankles me that people on forums and even some advice in the past on here tried to guilt trip me and say DO ANYTHING! Yet they completely ignore that when you are this depressed your company is as pleasant as Donald Trump cloned with Adolf Hitler… but with a worse temper and far more irritable! Mind you at least they both had confidence. Hmm shows that confidence works regardless of morals.
I keep looking for all this help they talk about and never find any. All TV shows that have someone talk about suicide and depression always say there are lots of resources out there and yet apart from the appalling NHS I can never find any at all. Someone on here once got angry at me for not appreciating his so called help and yet the first group he gave was for his local area only, the second for homeless people and I am not homeless yet and the third piece of advice was I contact mind and ask them for help. I looked on the mind website again the other day. The NHS website redirects you there to look for support groups. All it does is list charity shops. Apart from asking people for money I cant see how Mind helps anyone with mental health problems at all.
Another favourite place is Bradgate park in Leicestershire. Once the home to Lady Jane Grey who was the Queen of England for only 9 days before having her head cut off by Bloody Mary. I have been here more than almost any other place as its in my own county although its still a 100 minute walk away or bus journey to get there. Its also known for a tower on the hill named Old John after a former worker who apparently died after a beam of wood fell on his head and the ruins of Bradgate house. Best though are the herds of red and fallow deer especially in the autumn rut. Country parks like this used to seem remote and way out in the countryside but now there are housing developments all around and one day places like this will be islands of peace in the never ending sea of humanity. In can still get very busy in the day as its so popular but in the early evening when the sun starts to get low in the sky people start to go home and the deer come down off the hillside. On a sunny autumn evening when you alone with just the bellowing of the stags its a magical place to be and one of the few places I have felt genuine peace and contentment.