And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

And you may ask yourself
Am I right? Am I wrong?
And you may say yourself, “My God! What have I done?”
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was



I was looking on more self help books for anxiety. Yes, I know I should stop as they make me more depressed as they never offer any constructive help whatsoever and lie all the time but…. why do they think people with social anxiety and especially depression are full of enthusiasm and optimism?  Why are they amazed that lifelong avoidant people are still avoidant? That they are reluctant to make a list of all their worst fear and then confront them constantly on a daily basis? That they would rather die and are suicidal anyway.  What are these people who claim to be experts and help, f**king imbeciles?  Reluctant to do the HARD WORK? No reluctant to face yet more humiliation endless humiliation after a lifetime of humiliation is not the same as being reluctant of DOING THE HARD WORK!  There is nothing simple to do for a complete recluse which is easy to do. Even saying thanks to the cashier is awkward so I am not bursting into witty conversation on the weather every week because a therapist tells me it will go great. Awkward men are repellent and especially to females.

I wont go for help is that is only CBT because doing everything on my own is not help, its me doing everything on my own as its always been and that’s not gone too well so far has it.  Being told to be positive as a 96 year old virgin is like telling me to believe in Santa Claus and that pixies live in my airing cupboard. Mind you that’s not so much different from believing in religion.  What I have noticed about the self help books and even when some people talk about their therapy online is that when anxious people do try and confront their fears through exposures and it goes badly then the therapist often gets angry with them for still being negative or still acting shy. Like its a choice. When doing this is supposed to go well and give them confidence so they get better. POSITIVITY IS NOT A CHOICE YOU DUMB F**K!

People cant demand I should go for help which means therapy (even with one year waiting list on the NHS and much shorter) like its a surefire cure and then be astounded or angry that I wont do any of the exposures that they expect as I have not seen any examples that I think would go well. None. Speaking to strangers on the street is an absolutely f**king nightmare and once again demands that I am happy smiling and positive to begin with. Then you are supposed to do it every day rather than once  a week so you come across as the local nutcase speaking to everyone about shit WHICH NO NORMAL PERSON DOES ANYWAY! So its obvious that CBT will only be of benefit to some people( probably with only minor anxiety or with  positivity to start) and lets not forget after 2 years some recent research found that most people taking CBT for anxiety had gone back to how they were anyway. Especially those with no support or living on their own I should imagine.

They say you should not go to therapy if you are suicidal yet looking at help for social anxiety has only increased my feelings of being suicidal as its taken anyway all hope. Its made me worse, just as therapy would. Virtually no book on social anxiety I have seen takes depression into account or if they do think of it as its only a minor inconvenience even though its common. I am starting to believe that we are as advanced in our treatment of mental health as we  were in medieval times when they used to bleed people as a cure all for physical problems. One day they will look on it in disbelief.


Good provider?

You often hear about the man appealing to women from the primitive cavemen aspect of being the provider, the bread winner. But where did this come from? Is it still relevant in modern society and is it so hardwired into the brain like the fight or flight response so still influences people today.

I watched a documentary last week where a western filmmaker went and stayed with some tribal people of Indonesia. Apparently some of them take their clothes off and only pretend to be tribal to get money from gullible westerners and then take out mobile phones again when they leave but that’s another story. Anyway, one old guy showed a necklace made up of pigs teeth that he had killed over the years. He said in the old days the man with the most teeth was the most in demand by the females of the group. Obviously because he was a good hunter and so provided food. This makes perfect sense in evolution as he would be more likely to look after and provide for his family.

But is that really so different that modern society where doctors, lawyers and men in top jobs are much more attractive to women regardless of looks. Top sports stars and actors who are male all seem to have supermodel girlfriends or wives.  I have seen two separate docs where women picked men on attractiveness and then changed their minds when they knew what jobs they did as if profession was the most important thing.  Some were really rude about an older guy as he still worked in a low paying job. Men are known for being more shallow as they are hardwired to go for looks but are women just as shallow but in a different way?

You see as a long term unemployed man I would probably have more luck on a dating website showing Jabba the Hutt as my profile picture as having no job would understandably put people off and I would never do it even if I was younger and non socially anxious. But its the shame that’s the key. Unemployed men are much more likely to commit suicide than women as society still heaps more shame on them. But it also stops me doing anything. Even going to a photography meet up. Almost everyone on anxiety forums demand going to meet ups as a mandatory cure and then shames you for being a coward if you don’t but its the shame of being unemployed and oh something else lifelong single that is overwhelming. Then I have to make small talk and I am awkward and nervous and have anxiety and depression. Yet they tell you to do this to make you better.  You see the problem?  Because the majority of therapists and self help sites seem to be clueless. Most self help sites for social anxiety  don’t even acknowledge depression or negativity at all and seem to think we skip merrily into social situations with great enthusiasm and most other people are lovely and understanding.  In reality I have decades of negative experiences being judged and being disliked that effect my every thought and action.

But I did go out! So what happened?

When I was younger  of course and still at work. I once went to a Peter Gabriel concert with my best friend from school and a friend from work, another concert with someone else from work at Leicester university. I once went to the theme park Alton Towers with 3 work friends, a snooker event where Steve Davis was playing Willie thorne. I once went to the gym every week, squash every week, snooker or pool every week and yet it all ended and things always got worse. Was it just people leaving or was it me becoming even madder and them not wanting to see me again.

Perversely in my last 6 years at work when I was least anxious and most happy I did not really go anywhere or do anything but perhaps that was simply my age as older people tend to not socialise as much and my joint problems meant I could take little exercise and not driving meant I could not go anywhere anyway. Of course I never went to bars, night clubs, parties of any kind or social get togethers so my anxiety still never got past a certain level and lots of people at work saw me as a freak so did not invite me anywhere. I think a lot of people with anxiety stick at a certain level and never get passed it and lead a truly normal life. That’s because just continuously doing something doesn’t mean you get better as normal people treat very shy people like shit and never want to see you again so your confidence gets worse and you stay avoidance or get even worse.

I nearly always had some friends though. Even at school. Quite a few people visited my house over the years and I visited some of there’s. All male of course, females never spoke to me ever and I was too anxious to be capable of ever befriending a real life female human being and barely saw any out of the work canteen anyway.  So what happened? Why did everything get much worse? It reality it may simply be my redundancy where I did not get manage to find a new job and became totally isolated and then fell to pieces. Since then my social anxiety is returning to how it was when I was 15. Hardly surprising if you don’t speak to another humans for months on end though.


Into the wilderness

I am still trying to go out at least once a week.  Yesterday I went to the local woods as it was  a fine spring day in the UK after a week of cloudy dull weather. Its a peaceful wood and has no crowds which is why I like it and at this time of year the floor is covered in a carpet of flowers. However I still did not enjoy it as I have done in other years. I feel down and walking does not really improve my mood and the long walk back in warm weather left me feeling exhausted. (GLOBAL WARMING ALERT! Today was the warmest April day here since 1949!) So just going out does not cure depression or solve the problems that led to your depression so it comes back again and again and again.

Its hard to know what else to do though. The photography meet I have been thinking about for months have one in the city this Saturday and yet they say they are going to the pub afterwards for a meal and I don’t want to sit and feel awkward with several strangers. Just meeting strangers when you are this mental does not go well. I don’t burst into witty banter and excel when under pressure.  I repel people and they avoid me. That’s why just getting out does not help so why do so many people advice meets as a cure all? DO ANYTHING MY FORKING ARSE! I often wonder if people who say such things only really had minor shyness and just assume they had the worst social anxiety known to man and like to brag about how they conquered it through their bravery to boost their ego which is still quite fragile.

I have also been watching some of those dating shows again and people who have not dated in a long time or have been long term unemployed are treated with shock and almost contempt so how the fork do I mention many years of unemployment, my mental health and being a 45+ year old virgin who never does anything interesting or goes anywhere. YES! people are that judgemental and I am a miserable bastard as well, oh and socially inept and yet people still demand you go out all the time and you will get better and make friends.. What like online you mean where I have only made one online friend in the last 20 years! Oh, I have to say the right words on the right subjects and act normal from the start or they reject me you mean? Then how do I learn or get better from repetition? Getting rejected and ignored like I have done on SAUK for years just makes me post less.

The only interesting thing from watching these dating shows is seeing that even normal people get very nervous going on first dates although they don’t often stammer, blush, have mind blanks or act excruciatingly awkward either. Oh and they are not suicidally depressed.

Herbal remedies for anxiety

I went out for a photography trip on Saturday as it was warmer and spring like and i did feel better for while as I took pictures at the local botanic gardens. However despite my sleep being somewhat better in the last few weeks I still feel more anxious in the morning and become irritated by almost anything. The only thing I am currently taking are herbal tablets containing extracts of hop strobile, valerian and passion flower so wondered if they actually made me feel worse instead of calmer.

So as an experiment this afternoon I just took two before  I went for a walk into town …………and I now feel terrible. I feel dizzy, slightly surreal, paranoid, jumpy and on edge. At one point in town I almost felt like I was having a full on anxiety attack and wanted to run home. It may just be a coincidence but it seems the actual tablets that are supposed to make me feel calmer and more relaxed have had the same effect as the allergy tablets and made me feel considerably worse. I have still not come across anything that has helped, except alcohol. I am also trying to eat healthier and have become vegetarian. The results so far, nothing positive whatsoever.

Cats and Computers

It more stressful week than normal. First I found a cat in my greenhouse which had been in a bad accident. It had a red swollen eye and some blood on it. I phoned the RSPCA who thankfully came within the hour and took it away. The cat was able to drink water so hopefully will make it although I have no idea the extent of its injuries as it did not move when it saw me and had probably been in there for hours.

Microsoft 10 development team?

Next my elderly Windows XP computer finally died and I had to get a new one, a cheap one as I cant afford luxuries and its only a Celeron chip which I doubt will last very long. To say Windows 10 is a shock is an understatement. I know it takes a while to get used to something new but the old saying that if you have some monkeys and give them enough time they will come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Well I think they gave 3  monkeys just over half an hour and then they came up with Windows 10. The most unfriendly operating system I have ever come across and that’s after using the shit one my old company wrote on the cheap by hiring some idiots from Australia. Its so far taken 3 days just to get the old software I had before installed and then it closed down for over 2 hours to do an update!

Why do computers never get better or faster no matter how much extra memory they have?

Goal Setting?

I keep reading about setting goals for recovery. You should have goals like getting that dream job, going on a date with someone you like and buying a perfect house. The thing is I never had any. I only went to college because my friend did and had some kind of idea of doing a computer related job but basically had no idea. Survival is now my only goal. Someone said at therapy they were told to make a detailed plan of their perfect life and then set goals to achieve it.

This would only make me more depressed as any resemblance of a normal life is almost impossible now. I dont have a dream job and no idea how to get it. I have trouble even standing up for long periods and dont drive. I am too old for a family life now so getting anyone I like is a miracle and I am way too old to get a mortgage so living in a shithole is about the best I could manage. This is what I hate reading about CBT therapy so much. Its absolutely full of delusional bullshit. They may as well tell me I could be an astronaut and marry Cameron Diaz. Its all a fantasy. Yes, despite what some people say it is too late and there is very little help available online. Yet another lie.