Weekly Autumn Walk

And turn the radio loud, I’m too alone to be proud
You don’t know how it feels
You don’t know how it feels to be me 

You Don’t Know How It Feels,   Tom Petty

I again forced myself to go out for weekly autumn walk. The weather forecast was wrong again and instead of sunny it went very cloudy which certainly pissed me off considering we are lucky to get one sunny day a week at this time of year. Because the state of my mind is always hyper sensitive when out on my own I tried to force myself to go much slower and sit down occasionally.


This is a fly agaric mushroom/fungi. Apparently its hallucinogenic. I was tempted to try some but the image of someone seeing me on all fours licking a toadstool was off putting. I should have picked it and taken it home for later.

A fallen leaf. I liked the tinge of colour. I also darkened the background. macro photography is fascinating and easier to do that getting a huge zoom for wildlife as there are numerous smaller things to photography and I dont even have to leave the garden which is perfect for someone as mental as me.

Now its getting darker earlier its a chance to see sunsets and at last the clouds started to part giving a very red glow as I returned home. Waking somewhere at least once a week has some sorts of benefits. Although at times yesterday I felt very low I certainly felt better and more relaxed after I had gotten home, slept better and feel slightly more relaxed today. As to curing depression its effects are minimal as I would need to keep busy every day and am not fit enough to walk for several hours a day any-more.  Its also ignores that my depression is not chemical and comes from numerous other problems caused by a lifetime of anxiety.


Shy AND depressed?

“The problem is that when depression leads to inactivity, withdrawal and isolation, there are even fewer opportunities to derive pleasure or a sense of achievement from life. As a consequence, depression, hopelessness, lethargy and motivation worsen over time. At this point, the “vicious cycle of depression” is in full swing.”

Yes, that’s me!

“It sounds simple, but the next step is to schedule more of the “better mood” activities and steer clear of the “lower mood” activities. You might also schedule activities you previously enjoyed in your life, even if you don’t find them as rewarding at the moment.”

What you mean drink even more alcohol? I never did anything else.


Shy? Go out and speak to people. But dont act depressed or they wont like you!

Depressed? Go out and speak to people but dont act shy or they wont like you!

What? You are shy and depressed? F**k that there’s no help whatsoever!

Every single time I look up help for anxiety or depression I cant see anything whatsoever that gives me the slightest hope. The only cure(non meds) for depression is to go out and do stuff you used to enjoy but ignores that if its anxiety related you probably did nothing anything anyway and have no friends or family. Therefore there is virtually no help whatsoever.

There aint no easy way out

In the dark of the sun
Will you save me a place
Give me hope, Give me comfort
Get me to a better place

In The Dark Of The Sun, Tom Petty


From: About Social Anxiety

“Does it ever strike you as odd that social anxiety disorder (or SAD, as I will refer to it sometimes on this blog) is among the top three most common mental health conditions (yes, up there with depression and alcoholism), there are science-backed treatments for it that we know work, and yet around a third of people with social anxiety experience symptoms for 10 years or more before seeking help. 10 years? Surely you can do better than that.” 

Arlin Cuncic- Author of the self-help books Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder and 7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety


First things first Arlin, 10 YEARS! If only!  I have had anxiety for over 30 years now without ever seeing a GP.  My mum did though and the help was poor, my sister did and the help was poor and my best friend did and the help was poor, often awful. British NHS, I know.Its failing to pieces. If only we could all afford to go private. Perhaps therapists should not charge £40-120 an hour then when normal working class people here are on less than £10 an hour.  Although I  actually read somewhere else that 9 out of 10 people never seek help for social anxiety and most that do only go because of their depression getting worse. In fact that’s the reason I was thinking of going BUT…..

……………….. whenever I actually look at help for Social anxiety  online all therapy basically says is do lots of social exposure stuff on your own and demands you just keep doing it until you get better. Humiliating stuff, embarrassing stuff. Stuff you have avoided your whole life and now you have added depression, paranoia and probably other issues like anger too.  Its hardly surprising life long avoidants are not lining up to be non avoidant and face all their worst fears just because a therapist tells them to.  Doing lots of humiliating stuff on my own isn’t exactly my idea of help. if just me doing everything on my own as I always have and that never before worked did it? Even the so called easiest tasks like smiling at strangers on the street or making small talk with cashiers makes me cringe with the near certainty of being humiliated yet again.

Being told that doing this is the only way to get better and that you are basically a coward for not trying only makes me think actually there is no real help at all.  Therefore its not effective therapy is you cant even convince someone to try it without having to guilt trip or shame them. It looks like it only works for people who are already highly motivated enough to start with  and willing to do anything.  I mean who the F**k would would walk backwards slowly or lay down on the street unless they were brain washed, mentally insane or hypnotised?

No Strengths Detected!

My Social Anxiety Test results from;

  • No strengths detected!
Potential Strengths
  • No potential strengths detected!
  • You are very anxious in social situations
  • You are not comfortable socialising with peers
  • You are very uncomfortable meeting new people
  • When all eyes are on you, you want to shrink from sight
  • You often experience embarrassment when faced with social activities
  • You frequently avoid social events
  • You are as miserable as Fork.
  • You are old, probably too old now, have anger issues, paranoia , a fear of intimacy a bad hip and walk like a sasquatch.

Yes, I did add the last two myself.  Perhaps I should do some positive affirmations!


We want to see you lead a Normal Life

It’s nice here with a view of the trees
Eating with a spoon?
They don’t give you knives?
‘Spect you watch those trees
Blowing in the breeze
We want to see you lead a normal life
Peter Gabriel

After passing out last Sunday morning I also had several dizzy spells again this week. On Monday I had one every hour or two almost all day. Since then I have had just the odd one. In the day they seem to be connected to if I get angry or stressed at something but often when I wake up as it did when I passed out going to the toilet they seem connected with dreams and weird past memories.  Because of this and also because of the shit cloudy weather every day I have not been out much at all this week.

I am beginning to think some things are probably close to impossible. This scares some people so they just demand we can overcome anything if we try hard enough as it comforts them and makes them feel better.  We can of course win the lottery if we enter it but the chances are still millions to one. Perhaps people with anxiety all their life are just too difficult to change and too unmotivated and angry. I’d kill a therapist who accused me of not trying hard enough if I dont speak to enough random strangers for hours a day and act cheerful.  If we are just paranoid and strangers dont notice our weird behaviour then why do so many people with disabilities or obvious differences get abused and attacked every year in our so called civilised societies? its because if you are different people DO pick on you, bully you or ignore you.  Humans have a long history of being very cruel, judgemental and intolerant. Not all but some people some of the time is still enough to destroy your confidence ad sometimes even your life.

Depression is making things worse and I dont really care to be honest if my dizzy spells are actually brain damage and I die soon.  Yet again I read today that if depression is caused by anxiety as it is with me as I am 985 year old virgin with almost no human contact and years of madness then the anxiety needs curing first. To do this they then tell you to go out more and be friendly with people…… but you are so depressed and unmotivated you just want to tell all people to  FORK off . YOU CANT JUST BE FRIENDLY IF YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERYDAY ……………and you pretty much know its too late for a real life now anyway.

Into the Great Wide Open

Thinking about your problems can make you even more stressed so I think its good to completely zone out and do other things for a while rather than obsess about mental health. or is doing other things merely avoidance? For instance every time I look at self help for anxiety and depression it makes me much more depressed and more anxious!  Yes sometimes avoidance is good, isn’t that what most relaxation techniques really are? So walking in nature is one escape and so is photography, even indoors. On Friday I spent some time just trying to get pictures of the numerous apples which have fallen off the tree I planted over 20 years ago in the back garden.

Macro photography is harder than it looks. You need a good clear background, preferably dark. You then need to have the right lens so you can get close enough and since it only focuses on one spot of the subject you need to take several photos and merge them together. I dont have a macro lens so this is the best I could get and you can see that its already beginning to lose focus and detail as I get closer. Pro photographers often take hundreds of shots in every possible setting and use only the best or merge them together with software.

I also went back over the thousands of pictures I have taken over the last 12 years or so. Sometimes they make me feel happy and bring back good memories and other times I feel sad as they remind me of the turmoil of the time or that I may not go back to many of these places again. This stag from two years ago was completely ruined before as there were other deer in the background but using software I have managed to remove most traces of them if you dont look too close.

In other news I previous mentioned my dizzy spells which had completely gone for the last few weeks. This morning I actually felt dizzy again and passed out when I got up to go to the toilet and hurt my arm. I still wonder if its something to do with my allergy tablets which I have to take almost daily. A normal person would probably go to the doctors but I am I normal? The ForK I am.

Weekly Autumn Walk No.3


I still try and go on at least one long walk a week. I especially like autumn when it gets cooler in the evenings and the leaves start to change colour. I did encounter a quite aggressive stag but thankfully did not get attacked.  Sometimes I say hello to the odd person if I pass but usually only if they look remotely pleasant.  Some people are even more miserable and grumpy than me(is that possible?)and so are best avoided! If  I could live in the countryside I think I would feel far better. A day out also breaks up the week and relieves some of the anxiety and depression.