So I stayed with a friend for a few days. It felt strange going to pubs and cafes and shopping with another person.(although I never go to pubs on my own either of course!) My confidence was better, I did not feel so much paranoia like people were looking at me, i did not talk to myself like a mad person. Good God! This is what it must be like to be normal, although I keep getting told there is no such thing as normal. (yeah right!) Most people have been doing things like this their whole lives but much more often, no wonder they have so much more confidence and no paranoia.
Of course on coming home on thursday and back in the usual routine and the same boring afternoon walks I feel much worse again and have already started talking to myself. After a few weeks of this and my sanity will be back in the gutter again. Most things didn’t work as they assume doing stuff creates confidence when it has often shattered mine. Thats because people(yes those normal ones again)take the piss out of weirdos or strange behavior. I keep picturing myself as a limping wildebeest on the plains of Africa as the lions move in for the kill.Evolution, survival of the fittest, selfish genes, Richard Dawkins,etc. Humans dont get eaten by lions in England much these days even in Leicester Perhaps they get made homeless, never have a relationship or pass on their genes and still die younger than the normal people.Perhaps the end result is thus the same anyway.Perhaps none of it even matters. Its often hard to tell.