“Do you fancy a bogey mate?” Yes that’s the level of conversation you get walking down the street In England these days. Mind you it is a rough area.A teenage girl said this to me as she picked her nose in broad daylight as she walked by me on my way to Tesco yesterday. Well it is the school holidays so the poor girl is probably just bored. I said no. I don’t fancy eating my own bogies let alone someone else’s. Even when I was her age I never got so bored during the summer holidays that I ate my own nasal excrement, perhaps I was luckier than I thought. It felt like someone had injected me with a drug this week. I felt quite deflated, exhausted and miserable (yes even more than normal! I bet you didn’t think that was possible!) I thought I may have taken the wrong allergy tablet but it was the same for several days in a row so its probably general mentalness. Watching TV or doing anything became so irritating that I could not concentrate and was flipping channels over and over again feeling forever restless and edgy. How do you try to be positive when this wave of overwhelming madness/sadness even anger and rage sweeps over you? It makes me realise that when people feel proper depression and anxiety then trying to be positive must be almost impossible. It’s as if the brain chemistry has gone haywire and becomes a matter of just waiting it out. Of course misery repels other people in real life or online making you even more isolated so I guess the people with the most acute problems often don’t even dare post for fear of upsetting others making any support/contact impossible. Society demands social happy people(shiny happy people?). Hence the “I’ve got 50000 friends on facebook” types because they want to appear popular and liked.
I forced myself to go on 3 hour walk yesterday afternoon. It was cooler than of late but I felt much more exhausted than I used to be by the time I got home. I feel considerably better today but still fear this overwhelming hopelessness coming back whenever it gets the urge. I have just seen a video on 6 signs of depression and now qualify for all of them so its obvious that I have been going down hill fast. I also don’t like the feeling that I should feel guilty about being sad or miserable or I have got to hide it. I’ve pretended to be happy many times in the past as if trying to please others when in reality I was in turmoil and fearful inside. To be honest, F**k these people who demand positivity as if it’s a prerequisite of being allowed to post just because it makes them feel better. You want fun, go to a comedy site.