My mental state has been getting progressively worse over the last 2 weeks. My anxiety is high and any concentration on TV or reading or anything else is almost impossible for more than a few minutes. I tried to go back to a walking routine this week but my joints ache intensely and I feel exhausted. As a non driver living in the heart of the city it requires planning to go on any decent walk, planning bus times,train times and maps. Its too much when my brain is confused. Just the thought of going on a long train journey makes me anxious and I then even find it hard to sleep. Speaking of which I am still drinking and taking allergy tablets to make me drowsy. I see no end, no hope any more.
I try and use the forums more to make contact with real human beings but as usual it is hopeless as people are too judgemental and dont want to speak to others who are negative. This forces depressed people to pretend to be positive in order to be accepted and not appear miserable or they dont post at all in order not to be criticised which means they get more isolated and worse. Once again the anxiety forums only help those who are not that anxious and are most social. precisely the ones who need help the least. This is of course because people are just an animal species who obey certain social norms of behavior in the same way as any animal species. In effect we evolved to dislike and avoid nut cases, mental ill, ugly people, faulty people to stop us breeding with them and passing on faulty genes. If you think this is far fetched look at most animals and you will see that they do the same. some species even kill faulty animals.This is why you are just as likely to be ignored on a mental health anxiety forum as in real life. The people on there are no more understanding at all.
The advice as usual is to go out and do things but as I am not only just SA but entering a time of intense misery and depression i would not only find it hard to make conversation but my hopeless and negative attitude would repel other people making them dislike me and not want to see me again. This would of course intensify my paranoia and SA and actually increase my SA and depression. Once you cannot see any kind of recovery is possible and that the NHS is so overrun and underfunded to help then the only conclusion is a long and painful struggle to survive. I still fear being made homeless at some time in the next few years and of course when that does occur, suicide becomes a sensible choice.