Over the last few weeks the level of my anxiety has risen so that I cannot watch any TV and concentrate on much at all anymore. I mostly seem to watch the clock and wait … to get up, for meals, to leave the house and come back, not much else. Time seems to be going 10 times slower than normal and I wait…. and hope, sometimes even pray. I thought about going in the cathedral as I did so often when my mum was slowly dying but it’s full of builders making the new room for Richard III when they rebury him next year. Not much peace in there. Anyway science says our bodies slowly decay like my mothers did and then we vanish into oblivion never to exist again so why bother? Why bother the pretence of being positive either if life is a daily struggle and then oblivion? I suppose some people will say these thoughts are just another level of anxiety bordering on depression except I have had them since I was 11.All my fears have and are coming true, so many years later. It didn’t change or get better; I knew it wouldn’t really although I had always hoped.People lied.
When you are like this you know nobody wants to be with or talk to you so you hide away even more. We are brainwashed not to be miserable or depressing in case upset others so we endure these feeling alone, not that I have much choice anyway. Making online friends has proved even harder than those in real life.The human brain evolved to be selfish so if someone is not close to us we mostly dont care and avoid them for our own good, its natural, ruthless,survival of the fittest, human. All that crap is true. You are also reluctant to post any real feelings online in case they accuse you of self pity or wallowing or blame you for not being proactive enough so you stay quiet and keep it in yet again, the same for years. I went for a long walk of approximately 4-5 hours this afternoon. It was mostly crap and I felt irritable almost in pain throughout despite cutting back on alcohol, it’s like my natural brain chemistry has taken over and won’t allow any respite from the feelings of hopelessness and turmoil and this never ending restlessness. Despite feeling exhausted now I will struggle to get to sleep yet again tonight and then walk up early and stay awake again tomorrow morning. I cannot buy the same sleeping tablets on Amazon anymore so I am buggered.
One of the most common mistakes I made with SA in the past was doing anything. Of course this is quite common for shy people as the advice is always to “go out and try doing stuff”, any stuff. They make you feel guilty almost like it(social anxiety) is entirely your own fault for staying in and all you have to do is go out and try doing stuff and your shyness will get cured. This led to many bad friends who really did not care one jot for me and dropped me like a stone when they had something else to do. I think doing anything to cure SA is no different from trying anything to cure a physical sickness. Its like in the old days they used to bleed people for virtually any ailment which of course made them worse.
The thing with trying anything is that it was often a disaster and made me worse, less confident, more paranid, more SA. This was because my SA was too chronic and I was not ready for it yet.Of course if you could do anything without beating yourself up over it afterwards then it wouldn’t matter but the SA brain often being so paranoid is prone to over analysing every single word or look or moment from another person and thinking the worst even when its not always true. I found that my behavior was almost entirely dependant upon the other persons character. If they reacted badly to my shyness I would feel very awkward,get worse and want to leave. Often trying to force myself to be positive when very nervous would have no better results as the physical manifestations of my SA which would include blushing, sweating and an awful speaking voice and poor body language would give me away and make me even worse.
By contrast people who took no notice of my SA and were often quite confident and outgoing themselves I always got on well with as I did not feel as if I was being judged or laughed at. There were not as many of these people around though.Obviously being totally avoidant will also have no chance of helping you cure your anxiety but often neither will anything. I think with chronic SA there are many things that need to be addressed before even normal conversation and social interaction becomes beneficial. For instance being a jibbering wreck and forcing yourself to go out with a group of people from work may actually make you look like a complete idiot or fool and then work also becomes unbearable as you feel as if these people are laughing at you behind your back. This isn’t paranoia. If you think it is I suggest you have never really had chronic social anxiety but probably just been a bit shy. yes, I know that gets some people on the anxiety forums furious as they all want to believe their SA was worse than anyone else.And thats the trouble with much of the advice on anxiety forums as its for average shyness rather than for debilitating anxiety and assumes that once you go out and try things everything just gets better because it did for them.
I hate feeling sad, miserable and depressed most days now. However as many posts on the net advise you to drop negative people from your life do they then thus think negative people deserve to suffer and that they bring it on themselves? Do they then totally ignore that the negative person has problems too which need solving and they DON’T CHOOSE TO BE SAD OR NEGATIVE? As someone feeling negative does that mean I have no place on an anxiety support forum as these forums are only there for go getting positive people who just happen to have anxiety as well? Do they also demand all of these rules on depression forums? Do they tell depressed people to just cheer up and stop being negative? People are just so hypocritical and judgmental. Nasty and cruel people may be positive and do things. It does not make them a better or morally superior person.
If you are totally alone with depression and anxiety you are obviously very unhappy. if you are like this you repel other people as we are programmed to like positive people which just keeps you this way and stops you getting better. if some then think you deserve to suffer because you are negative that makes them an ignorant, selfish c**t. You are in effect forced to be a hermit as nobody want to be near you which means you stay this way or even get worse. A perfect example of survival of the fittest. Human behavior often being cruel and selfish. This guilt trip these positive people heap upon may even encourage the desperate,sad and lonely to commit suicide. Some help.
So these so called positive people won’t support you if you are feeling sad or depressed as it depresses them and they can’t comprehend the fact that some people can’t CHOOSE to be positive like them. That make them to me sound like unloyal selfish bullying assholes who are not worth bothering with. Maybe you are not good enough to be my friend.
I started hitting myself in the head again last week. I suppose its a form of self harming although less messy than cutting. My head has been just so hyper chronically active that I want to close it down. I also realise that sooner or later that I may be homeless and that death is much better than a daily struggle to survive on the streets in a society that looks down upon such people as losers or scum. Well I a loser obviously. I had cut down on my alcohol consumption too last week and it appeared to make me sleep far better for several days. However now I wake up early every day and struggle to go back to sleep again so perhaps it was just luck.
Isn’t evolution superb in many ways. Girls hated me and avoided me for being a weird shy loner at work but I should not take it personally even that one girl who called me a zombie. All they were doing was avoiding bad partners or mates because shy men are shit providers and evolution has conditioned girls to think this way for the good of their future offspring. Despite being in set 1 maths and english at school I worked in an awful manual low paying job for 20 years and have now been unemployed ever since my redundancy. My anxiety has even stopped be seeking benefits or medical help putting me even further down the black hole of despair Shy men(chronically shy and anxious, not just a little nervous) are among the biggest losers in the western world. Even ugly or disabled people often find a partners but the shy man who can’t speak to chat a girl up or get a job is destined to stay alone and often poor. I say man because yes, I think it is worse for men overall as the man is almost always expected to approach and chat up a girl and there are loads of females on anxiety forums who still have partners or husbands despite their shyness.
Oh and as to the anxiety forums. According to some of the people on them all you have to do is force yourself to go on a meet and before you know it you’ll be best friends with everyone there and your anxiety cured for life! Yes right! First I am now over 40 and most of the users are young kids who have no interest in anyone more than a couple of years older than them. They pretend age is no barrier but then they are either stupid or delusional! Then to be honest I find people with social anxiety the hardest to get on with as they are awkward and never speak either. As I said to a friend once who tried to get me hooked up with a shy girl at work. “If we are both shy then neither of us will speak and we will both just sit there and feel awkward!” Having shyness in common does not mean we are more likely to get on, if anything, less likely. Many shy people for instance have a very talkative partner as they did all the work. i find many of the people on SAUk to be incredibly irritating too. Having the piss taken out of them all their lives has just created a miserable personality and one that then puts everyone else down as they copy the behavior of their parents or siblings which made them shy in the first place. Others are just too shy to speak and expect everyone else to do all the work all the time.Imagine sitting in a pub with a group of miserable strangers (much younger than me probably)who just look at the floor and never speak and then slag you off for not speaking later! Sounds great!
I have twice now have signed up for the PM buddy system on the anxiety forum in a pitiful attempt to make contact with real human beings and subdue my chronic loneliness for a short while and twice had the person not bother replying back to me. The first was a young kid who probably wanted a girlfriend instead of a 40+ year old bloke and the second time it was the person who invented the whole thing and she asked people to not bother if they were not going to take it seriously! For fucks sake how does she think this has affected my confidence if she just dumped me and yet still has the cheek to post on the forum as if I dont exist! Shyness or just appalling manners,you decide!
Bye for now!
Hugs and kisses!