I started hitting myself in the head again last week. I suppose its a form of self harming although less messy than cutting. My head has been just so hyper chronically active that I want to close it down. I also realise that sooner or later that I may be homeless and that death is much better than a daily struggle to survive on the streets in a society that looks down upon such people as losers or scum. Well I a loser obviously. I had cut down on my alcohol consumption too last week and it appeared to make me sleep far better for several days. However now I wake up early every day and struggle to go back to sleep again so perhaps it was just luck.
Isn’t evolution superb in many ways. Girls hated me and avoided me for being a weird shy loner at work but I should not take it personally even that one girl who called me a zombie. All they were doing was avoiding bad partners or mates because shy men are shit providers and evolution has conditioned girls to think this way for the good of their future offspring. Despite being in set 1 maths and english at school I worked in an awful manual low paying job for 20 years and have now been unemployed ever since my redundancy. My anxiety has even stopped be seeking benefits or medical help putting me even further down the black hole of despair Shy men(chronically shy and anxious, not just a little nervous) are among the biggest losers in the western world. Even ugly or disabled people often find a partners but the shy man who can’t speak to chat a girl up or get a job is destined to stay alone and often poor. I say man because yes, I think it is worse for men overall as the man is almost always expected to approach and chat up a girl and there are loads of females on anxiety forums who still have partners or husbands despite their shyness.
Oh and as to the anxiety forums. According to some of the people on them all you have to do is force yourself to go on a meet and before you know it you’ll be best friends with everyone there and your anxiety cured for life! Yes right! First I am now over 40 and most of the users are young kids who have no interest in anyone more than a couple of years older than them. They pretend age is no barrier but then they are either stupid or delusional! Then to be honest I find people with social anxiety the hardest to get on with as they are awkward and never speak either. As I said to a friend once who tried to get me hooked up with a shy girl at work. “If we are both shy then neither of us will speak and we will both just sit there and feel awkward!” Having shyness in common does not mean we are more likely to get on, if anything, less likely. Many shy people for instance have a very talkative partner as they did all the work. i find many of the people on SAUk to be incredibly irritating too. Having the piss taken out of them all their lives has just created a miserable personality and one that then puts everyone else down as they copy the behavior of their parents or siblings which made them shy in the first place. Others are just too shy to speak and expect everyone else to do all the work all the time.Imagine sitting in a pub with a group of miserable strangers (much younger than me probably)who just look at the floor and never speak and then slag you off for not speaking later! Sounds great!
I have twice now have signed up for the PM buddy system on the anxiety forum in a pitiful attempt to make contact with real human beings and subdue my chronic loneliness for a short while and twice had the person not bother replying back to me. The first was a young kid who probably wanted a girlfriend instead of a 40+ year old bloke and the second time it was the person who invented the whole thing and she asked people to not bother if they were not going to take it seriously! For fucks sake how does she think this has affected my confidence if she just dumped me and yet still has the cheek to post on the forum as if I dont exist! Shyness or just appalling manners,you decide!
Bye for now!
Hugs and kisses!