Over the last few weeks the level of my anxiety has risen so that I cannot watch any TV and concentrate on much at all anymore. I mostly seem to watch the clock and wait … to get up, for meals, to leave the house and come back, not much else. Time seems to be going 10 times slower than normal and I wait…. and hope, sometimes even pray. I thought about going in the cathedral as I did so often when my mum was slowly dying but it’s full of builders making the new room for Richard III when they rebury him next year. Not much peace in there. Anyway science says our bodies slowly decay like my mothers did and then we vanish into oblivion never to exist again so why bother? Why bother the pretence of being positive either if life is a daily struggle and then oblivion? I suppose some people will say these thoughts are just another level of anxiety bordering on depression except I have had them since I was 11.All my fears have and are coming true, so many years later. It didn’t change or get better; I knew it wouldn’t really although I had always hoped.People lied.
When you are like this you know nobody wants to be with or talk to you so you hide away even more. We are brainwashed not to be miserable or depressing in case upset others so we endure these feeling alone, not that I have much choice anyway. Making online friends has proved even harder than those in real life.The human brain evolved to be selfish so if someone is not close to us we mostly dont care and avoid them for our own good, its natural, ruthless,survival of the fittest, human. All that crap is true. You are also reluctant to post any real feelings online in case they accuse you of self pity or wallowing or blame you for not being proactive enough so you stay quiet and keep it in yet again, the same for years. I went for a long walk of approximately 4-5 hours this afternoon. It was mostly crap and I felt irritable almost in pain throughout despite cutting back on alcohol, it’s like my natural brain chemistry has taken over and won’t allow any respite from the feelings of hopelessness and turmoil and this never ending restlessness. Despite feeling exhausted now I will struggle to get to sleep yet again tonight and then walk up early and stay awake again tomorrow morning. I cannot buy the same sleeping tablets on Amazon anymore so I am buggered.