Same as it ever was

Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by
Water flowing underground
Into the blue again
After the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime
Water flowing underground

Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was.

Once in a Lifetime – Talking Heads

Just a thought but maybe I dont need to do a long post on a particularly subject relating to anxiety and shyness.  Maybe I can forget you are here and write any thing that comes into my head in that particular moment as usually happens when I am walking out and about. Its nearly the anniversary of my mothers death.  There’s still lots of mixed emotions. The overwhelming feelings of trying to look after her and protect her as she fell to pieces and and yet also the many bad times when she was a raving ranting nut case who seemed to not care one jot even when I was thinking about suicide in my teens. Never mind. Best forgotten,maybe. I could do with a therapist to probably talk all this crap over.

I still can’t get over the feelings of being hated at work for so many years. Lots of people hated me. Was this because I was quiet and shy and boring or because they thought I was rude and aggressive and unpleasant? Lost of things make people likeable including looks as people who look attractive are far more likely to succeed in life scientific studies show. I dont think I was that bad looking when younger but of course looking attractive for a man just means you have a better chance of getting a hot girl if you approach her and you chat her up. if I has looked like Brad Pitt combined with Tom Cruise and a young George Clooney i would still no doubt be a virgin as women want and expect you to approach them every time and chat them up so when i did not and looked nervous all the time I would still have been hated.

Finally,I post on the biggest social anxiety UK forum almost daily. I have used it on and off for over 10 years. In all that time I have only ever made one true friend who I see in real life several times per year. Using SAUK usually makes me feel worse. They say make the effort and when you do you are often ignored anyway. Is it really a good idea to mix with other mentally ill people?  I feel too old for the site now anyway. For Gods sake they even have a section for over 30 year olds as if everyone in the world is 29 and under. is this just in regards to SA  or on the whole of the net? despite this I have been active far more over teh last year and even get the odd PM.(private message) but they never carry on. As soon as they find I am over 30 they lose interest as everyone wants friends their own age and many of them are really looking for a relationship. Its been like this for years. I can never find any kind of online help for anxiety or loneliness.

People advise me to go to a real life meet all the time but I am not prepared to have them(strangers) ask all manner of personal questions and explain my unemployment or never having had a girlfriend and other personal stuff. Of course most of the people on these meets are far too young anyway and I suffer from depression and misery so how do I relate and talk when most of the time I just want to cry? Nothing is easy.


Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up! NOW WITH ADDED DEPRESSION!

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