Monday blues

I had a terrible walk this afternoon and felt far worse when I got home than before I went. How do you have a terrible walk? I don’t know how these things happen unless it’s just general madness and stress. I sometimes speak to myself when I get stressed and think about my problems. It may be just my imagination but it seems I can go for hours without seeing another soul and then the exact moment I mutter something to myself I look up and someone is looking at me or a jogger/cyclist goes by my right shoulder. That gets me paranoid again. I also thought I saw someone I used to work with and that made me edgy and every single direction I walked in someone seemed to get in my way or be just following me. I just want peace. That’s why it’s so hard to get peace and quiet living in a city, every direction, park, footpath you go on someone appears within seconds. I went round in circles at one point only to pass the same woman dog walker again and again. That made me even more paranoid as I thought she would think I was a weirdo or mad. Well I am.

Alcohol. I am afraid I am drinking every night again. It’s a bad habit. I went 4 days without any a few weeks ago but I can’t relax at night without any. I have cut down from about the equivalent of a bottle of wine a day to about 1/3rd bottle. I wish I didn’t need any but I am stressed every day with absolutely no end of my problems in sight. I used to drink so much I found it hard to get up and walk around but now I never feel bad or have a hangover the next day. There are no stress relieving techniques I could try as the stress I suffer is not only from this depressing life but from the quite real future problems of trying to stay alive to which I still see no solution whatsoever. God, I’m depressed. No wonder everyone avoids me on anxiety forums.

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