Tell me about your childhood

My parents did not abuse me or molest me as a child but they were both mad. They did not have any friends, they did not go out and socialise, we did not visit other family, and we never went on holiday. We did not even celebrate birthdays properly and I never did get a birthday cake.That kind of mad, the socially inept not quite normal kind of mad. My dad was almost always miserable, bad tempered.  He was so old fashioned that he thought a father showing any affection towards his son was soft and weak. If I had of turned out gay he probably would have drowned me in the bath. He never changed. I did not miss him when he died or really mourn him. I don’t really want to see him in the afterlife if there is such a place any more than I would a teacher I did not really respect or like. Bizarrely just like many other people with such behavioural problems they are totally unaware of the hurt they cause others and fail to take any blame for such matters. He would be bewildered if I asked for an apology as he was totally unaware of doing anything wrong.

My mother by contrast was far more anxiety ridden and always on edge and panicky which made everyone else feel the same. She would suffer anxiety attacks from when I was a small boy and go to the doctor for pills which never seemed to work. In later life she would have ranting mad fits like a nutcase, screaming and shouting over total trivial crap and never listen to reason on anything. She could be ver cruel in teh same way a small child is cruel and get satisfaction from others pain.This just created an awful atmosphere for much of the time and even our dogs were nervous wrecks as a result. Unlike a well balanced family there was never any praise or confidence building as a child. My dad just seemed to assume that as soon as I started school I would make friends naturally and pretty much ignored my entire school life.I could have got all A’s or all E’s as grades and it would have made no difference. Other parents took their kids to various clubs and parties when small and did their best to encourage them.Mine never too me anywhere ever. I remember even as a very young boy being embarrassed to say the wrong thing in the house as I would face ridicule so I would stay quiet even when as young as 5 or 6.. This was also increased greatly by an older bullying brother who also turned out to be mental as an adult and a total failure in everything. So when SA forums exclaim the old cliché about taking personal responsibility and all their usual self help malarkey seize the day positive crap I think it’s important to remember that most people who turn out well adjusted don’t have all this back log of shit to confront at every turn. You may be the only one that can do anything about getting better but having a screwed up childhood with so many bad memories makes it considerably harder.


Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up! NOW WITH ADDED DEPRESSION!

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