Getting weaker

And the tears roll down my swollen cheek – think I’m losing it – getting weaker

We will walk – on the land
We will breathe – of the air
We will drink – from the stream
WE WILL LIVE – hold the line

San Jacinto – Peter Gabriel

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I remember my mother once saying she cleaned all her underwear ready for her death when they came to collect her body as she did not want to look dirty. This was not in old age but in her 30’s while having one of her spells of anxiety attacks. She lived for over 40 more years but it shows how some people think when in gets into this frame of mind.  I know understand it totally as this is the way I have started to think. I feel like I am at the end of my life and death is just a whisper away. People and even so called experts will try to tell you that it is paranoia or a huge overreaction due to not thinking properly. For me it seems like a sensible choice. Rather than being the cowardly way out its only because I am so scared of death that I have not done it already. I don’t have a normal life at all. Forget being a 47 year old virgin with virtually no contact with the outside world. Forget being long term unemployed after my redundancy and a day to day drudgery which makes me depressed the moment I wake up. You see I now expect to be a homeless person and quite frankly I’d much rather be dead.

Getting a job which I can do with not only my mental health problems but also after my history is looking so hard as to be almost impossible. Getting any worthwhile help from the NHS which is not only on the verge of collapse but run by a tough love style Conservative government who want to not only stop all benefits but also treat mentally ill people in the same way as work-shy benefit scroungers. All these things are not only insurmountably hard but require a go getting positive attitude and personality where I feel exhausted, spent and quite frankly hopeless. I think lots of people who commit suicide are not mad at all. They have probably come to the same conclusion as me that a future of almost daily stress, unhappiness and struggle is worse than non existence. Life is not a gift at all if all pleasure has been removed, if the chance of happiness is smaller than winning the lottery.

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2 thoughts on “Getting weaker

  1. So are you going to kill yourself?

    I’m in the same situation and has been for 10 years. I can barely walk in public because people make me panic and my feet would hurt so bad that I would start to walk weird and people would stare at me probably thinking I’m retarded. English isn’t my first language(been here in the US for 13 years) and my mom and sister are the only people that I ever talk to which also results in me being horrible at it as you can see right now. Because I can hardly speak any conversational english and would also panic in front of people, people tend to stay away from me which puts me in a terrible spot right now because I’m failing most of my college courses and even getting any work done involving people is close to impossible. So I’m always in my room which is the only place that calms me but this probably won’t last long. People like us really can’t afford any kind words, and Most of these people’s suggestions on anxiety forums make my sickness worse. Death is probably my only solace but I also can’t bring myself to do it.

    • If I get to the stage where life is impossible or I am homeless I hope I have the courage to do it. I wish I could offer support or encouragement but you are probably right about everything. I imagine in the US its even harder to get any medical help unless you are rich.

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