But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
I remember being young and doing things and blushing and stuttering and feeling like a fool so I stopped doing things. Yes, thats basically why people become avoidant and are still SA into their forties. I remember teachers picking on me to read aloud in class to apparently encourage me and help me as I was shy. So I blushed and stuttered and the other kids took the piss out of me so I became worse and even shyer and even more avoidant. This came back to me yesterday while looking for some stuff and I came across my old school report. “Must try to take part in class discussions, must seek help, must try to do more!” Well I was so shy as to be mentally ill you ignorant f**ks and nothing you teachers did helped me in any way.Don’t the morans who embrace any exposure realise this? Are they actually insane or just ignorant? To induce recovery from SA I would have had to talk well without blushing and stuttering, the other kids not to ridicule me and then me feel good and happy to do it again, not go to bed at night wishing to die instead. They may well feel comfortable to ridicule me now years later but as a confused and often desperate teenager quite frankly bollocks.Exposure to constant ridicule resulted in worse avoidance and worse SA, not recovery.
I think I also have much intense anger and aggression in me stemming all the way back to school days. As I had so few friends and felt disliked and almost hated by many other kids this builds a natural wall or barrier and you start to feel as if you are fighting against the system and against everyone. Obvious examples of this are the shootings in america where almost every kid who did it were weird loners who felt hated by everyone. Although I have no desire at my age to go back and kill anyone there are still several people I wish to go back and punch in the face. This applies to many people I worked with also. No one had the right to hate me for just being quiet.