I had a good time with a forum friend for a week before Christmas. I am due to see her again in January. After that it becomes harder. There is no worse time of the year for me than post christmas and into Spring. Despite being mostly alone I still like many Christmas things and find the atmosphere special. The time running up til Christmas usually goes quite fast. However after New Year there is this never ending slow boring drag into spring with every day a monotonous depressing dark existence.
Almost all advice centres around meeting and being around people and yet of course ignore the fact that as someone suffering severe anxiety that being around strangers is usually cringe makingly awkward and then the other people think I am being unfriendly/ rude and hate and ignore me making the situation impossible and I go home and want to die. A good proportion of people are not particularly nice either so would make me feel worse. I also hate the questions you get from strangers and that look when they realise that you are not exactly normal. You live alone? You dont have a partner/girlfriend? You dont have any friends? You never go out? You haven’t got a job? etc?
Some eccentric people cope with this by being jolly,extrovert and joking all the time making them fun to be around. Of course I am very depressed, quiet and often become quite agitated under stress so that doesn’t work. Some people think you must be gay to be alone at this age but of course this is becoming totally acceptable in the modern word so can no longer be used as an insult so that confuses them especially if they are ignorant. You really do start to see why much of the advice falls apart under scrutiny. It demands total compliance and then blames you for not trying hard enough when things dont work. The most important aspect of much of this advice that I still dont understand is how do they make you feel motivated and enthusiastic when you feel totally exhausted and longing for death?