Are You Hard Work?

It’s been much harder to find success that a lot of the advice I have read advocates. I remember when I was younger at work and the feelings of not being one of them, not one of the crowd, different and weird but most of all extremely disliked. I felt a quite intense jealousy and even rage when I saw other people going out and enjoying themselves so easily when I could not. Even today reading that you should stand up straight and speak in a clear loud voice to overcome SA. I once tried speaking louder and was told I was shouting and speaking in a strange voice and laughed at so this of course made me much worse, not better.

Of course this often angers some people as they assume you are simply making excuses or not trying hard enough which once again to me show their complete ignorance of their advice. Yet the conclusion is that you will quickly improve. Once again, total crap. You only improve with success not continuous failure. It also ignores secondary disorders like sweating, blushing and stammering. Why does much of the advice always assume you are just a bit shy and with a kick up the backside will quickly improve? Like going to meets.

Something the other day struck a chord with me as a girl once said something similar about me at work. It was long the lines of people who don’t like themselves are hard work and no fun to be with. Well quite obviously so are people with severe SA, mental illness and depression! That’s why they often don’t go to meets as they are fearful of being disliked and yet the advice on here is often that meets are the greatest thing on earth for curing SA. Is this for only moderate SA and you have to be cured of everything else first in which case it could make you feel even worse. When you feel so low you don’t know how to get through each day why would you agree to meet other people if you are being judged as too miserable?

I nearly went on a meet a couple of year ago because of loneliness and yes even some guilt tripping due to the obsessive advice on a forum. Ignoring my older age which makes any meet pretty much pointless anyway what the hell would I have talked about? Clearing the diarrhoea stains out of the carpet from my dying mother? Yes, I’m sure that would have cheered everyone up! If you go to any kind of social event and people don’t like you, then they will never want to see you again so you of course not only don’t improve but become even more paranoid. It’s much like using anxiety froums really. If people don’t like you they avoid you. We are so designed to like positivity that we usually ignore negative people, demonise them by claiming they are wallowing in self pity and its all their own fault to justify disliking them. So the people who need help the most often get worse and go into a negative spiral and some never come out of it.


Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up! NOW WITH ADDED DEPRESSION!

8 thoughts on “Are You Hard Work?”

  1. I really felt what you were saying in the last paragraph; how people don’t give you a second chance. If they think you are negative once, they think you are going to make them absolutely miserable all of the time, so even if we put a lot of hard work into improvement from SA, it’s hard to get a chance to prove it. People can be so damn shallow. I feel that, even if a person is negative for a long time, they can improvement. We are not beings of an instantaneous nature.

    1. Yes, I read that most people judge others whether as a friend or potential partner pretty much within the first few minutes and then avoid them if they are boring, nervous or act strange in any way which makes them feel uncomfortable. Of course acting very shy as I used to is acting very, very strange which many people think is rudeness at best or madness at worst and so my confidence was shattered. There’s far more to conquering chronic social anxiety than just going out more. Most people are way more judgmental than we think.

      1. I am only speaking from my own experience, but I see a recurring pattern in how people react to SA. In my experiences at least, I have met quite many people that gave me a second chance. I am also very uncomfortable around the opposite sex. Not sure if you’ve heard about social anxiety OCD eye contact, but basically I am so busy avoiding eye contact and trying to act normal that I end up staring due to over-compensation. I can’t stop it, it’s like a compulsion. The boss at my new job actually came and told me straight that I have very scary eyes multiple times(In a joking manner, but you know how they are truly weirded out inside). Yet, I’ve found them to be generally accepting as long as I am all smiles and well-mannered in person. The boss actually went out of the way to make me feel accepted by inviting me to an event. There were quite a few people that I acted extremely awkward and rude around because of fear, but in time they became my good friends because they gave me a chance. It seems that every environment that I had struggled through will have a few very decent people, even though the rest of them may hate me. I was in a work environment once where only my core team accepted me(And on hindsight, that was enough), while everyone else hated and bullied me(Such that I always ran off alone for lunch to avoid them)but it’s because I reacted coldly towards them out of anxiety. High school and the cram school afterwards were the same: Few friends, bullies making things hard etc, but the one thing they all have in common is my automatic avoidant reaction. I found that pretending to be agreeable and smiling a great deal(Albeit obviously unnaturally and strained)to be my best coping mechanism. People that obviously found me weird and didn’t want to be friendly really changed when I try to be kind to them. Yep, they see me sweating, twitching and saying the most bland and stupid things, but it didn’t matter as long as I came to them with good intentions. These were proven right at my 2nd last work place and my current new one.

        I read that some assholes punched you when you were out for a walk and how many people mistreated you, so we could have massively different experiences and met very different people, but maybe you can test this out some time when you’re thinking of trying self-help again. I read that you want to see the world..There are still plenty of time for you to do so and I honestly think you have a chance at recovery, based on what I have read so far.

      2. Thanks, I am not so sure any more. My negativity is all consuming at the moment. the last few days have been quite bad again and I struggled not to drink too much last night. When my mood goes I struggle to even write things on here and go weeks without trying.I can never see myself going around smiling at people to be honest and I have had trouble smiling my whole life as I have a hair lip and no control over it.

  2. I’m really sorry to hear that..I have some notes from my therapist that are based on his own experiences with anxiety. They are full of relaxation techniques and cognitive restructuring. I will scan and upload them tomorrow and paste you the link. Maybe you will find something helpful. Also, I had my first mindfulness class earlier. I got some mindfulness audio tracks from the teacher, it is guided meditation homework that we’re supposed to incorporate into our lives(30 mins daily). Studies have shown that if mindfulness techniques are applied frequently enough, it will change the way one’s mind is wired because of the brain’s neuroplasticity. It helps with sleep too. I’ll see how I can upload/send you the audio tracks tomorrow as well.

  3. Thanks I watched the Ruby wax video again today as I had better concentration and also another one from Mark Williams. I can understand the principle behind it and the idea of changing our negative thinking although it some ways it does not seem that much different to other forms of meditation. I think there are lots of things and situations that trigger my anxiety and go back to my childhood. Its hard to change them.

    1. From your entries, I can understand that it’s extremely difficult to get back on track after so many setbacks. There is also too little support for people with mental illnesses. Still, if “Staying stuck for the rest of one’s life” and “Trying different methods for a chance at recovery” were placed on a scale, the latter feels a lot more hopeful and inviting. Maybe on a good day(Depression is such a big problem with self-recovery, sigh.), you can try to find small areas to start on? Here’s an example from my limited knowledge about what you went through as a child, but maybe you can try to distill the triggers down to your root issues and start from there? Here is an article that I found immensely useful:

      It’s so hard without a support network so I understand it’s going to be 100x harder for you. Please don’t give up hope. I am not someone who believes in false positivity, but I have seen many instances where people got better even though it looked so bleak when they started.

      Here are the notes from my therapist that i have scanned and uploaded here. These are the resources that he collected through his years of journey into recovery. There are of course things that you have read elsewhere and found to be useless, but I think there could be some helpful tips as well:

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