It still hurts to be out sometimes. You see people, couples young and old. The young are in love and happy and the older ones typically have children with them and look like the perfect family. It hurts you are not one of them and never have been. The first kiss, the first date, starting a family and a new home. It never happened. You hear time and time again that you are young and these things will just happen one day. Well they didn’t and I pretty much knew they wouldn’t even when I was still at school. It appears that almost everyone has relationships no matter how ugly, stupid or even if they are outright nasty so little wonder then that people simply can’t believe that you are still single past 40. No wonder they think such people are freaks! Contrary to belief it’s remarkably easy to stay single. Even working in a large company with many women I did not get females trying to chat me up( Do any men?) and as I was so shy I never managed it myself. Its not just shyness, I never even felt worthy but that’s for another post.
Of course having no friends I never went out to pubs or night clubs either and the old crap about meeting someone at the gym, walking the dog or in some normal everyday activity was useless as my nerves were still too extreme to approach women and make the first move as men are supposed to do. Again it was not just shyness, I was clueless. They may as well of told me to explain nuclear fusion. Some people seem to think that any male with a penis automatically chases females automatically and it’s comparatively easy with that old advice of “Just go talk to her!” Like its nothing more complicated that watching a wildlife documentary where every male animal wants sex all the time and knows exactly what to do and how to get it though instincts. However, even in the wild only the strongest survive and many weak animals never even get the chance to reproduce. The female animal often picks the strongest male, the best father for her offspring. Now that sounds more familiar with the human world. In human terms extreme shyness is the same as a serious weakness along with other severe mental and physical conditions and must be avoided.
At this age I often feel like mourning for the things I never had and yet the world we live in and society just ridicules and blames you as if you failed simply for not trying hard enough and you deserve what you get. So you stay silent and hidden. I have an ever present sadness that never goes away and overwhelms me. it must be kept in the background at all times or my real desperation and panic emerges and then death is that much closer. All this failure due to being too shy. I wonder if my teachers at school would have realised how serious my shyness would become and how it would dominate my whole life. They probably thought I would grow out of it too. There is a memorial to my former maths teacher in the local park. I had her for all 5 years of secondary school and she was also my form teacher for 2 years. She only died 4 years ago, just 2 months after her own elderly mother. I sometimes stand and talk to her and tell her how I really felt in her lessons and how I wish I could have spoken to her. Its too late now of course as is everything. Little wonder so many people in this situation decide to end it all. Society makes you feel like a freak all the time if you dont do the right thing.