I feel so down again. I search the internet, I dont know what for but find nothing of help. I certainly dont connect with like minded people.The anxiety and other mental health forums are about as useful to me as running through the streets naked. I barely ever relate or get on with any other human being and once they see my username on the anxiety forum they mostly ignore me. I went on a good walk yesterday afternoon with less stress then normal. I even saw a fox and her cubs in a field which pleased me greatly. A rare moment of peace in a life of turmoil. I think the only reason I felt better though was a realisation that my life is as good as over. Its like my mind has finally given up.if I could go now I would.
Stress and the resulting misery would be much worse if I was desperately being made to look for work every day. The fear, nerves and anxiety mixed with intense guilt about being long term unemployed plus the aspect of being threatened with starvation from the jobcentre if I did not try hard enough would almost certainly push me to suicide anyway. Getting a job would not make me any better unless it was perfect and as a mental man perfection seldom happens. I also cant do stand up work due to leg pain that has gone on for years.Working in a shit poorly paid job with working class blokes talking about tits and sex and football all day would be unbearable also. I can’t mix with ignorant people again without killing one of them. if they found out I was a virgin I would be the laughing stock. It was bad enough at my last workplace. They actually thought I was a freak just for not liking football.