Hello darkness my old friend

My anxiety appears to go in cycles at the moment. I may have a few weeks of relative normality but then I get quite uncontrollable and also unstoppable periods of anxiety lasting weeks where it totally overwhelms me. I don’t think its depression in the same was as any clinical depression as I can still and operate daily tasks. However any small modicum of enjoyment gets sucked right out of me so I feel deeply miserable and unhappy.I cant concentrate on any TV program, hate using the internet, hate walking or doing anything. Its definitely the worst anxiety I have experienced in my lifetime. I feel completely hopeless and negative, miserable, sad and like crying much of the time. I know its much worse as even going to the shops creates intense stress and I hate people getting close to me and feel like I want to push them out of the way all the time.

Physical manifestations of this anxiety includes twitching on my forehead and legs, I have started to get a tight chest pain when out and normal conversation is hard(not as though I speak to many people per month anyway!) as by brain just cant think of a relevant answer. Its almost like my subconscious is thinking “F**k Off, I don’t care!” to everyone as it wants to run back home and hide. My sister who used to visit weekly at one time only comes about once a month and although I was quite civil and tried to be nice to her before, now that I know the true lack of concern or care she really has for me I would like to cut her out of my life and never see her again.  I am very thankful I never had any children as they would add enormous guilt to me. Apart from one friend I see occasionally and I met online not one person would notice my going.

Almost all success includes getting motivated when I feel the opposite. It also includes becoming confident in order to get a job and get the other things I want and need. The trouble is no one has ever said how to do this apart from keep going out and keep trying things. They don’t tell you how to stop feeling like a mental freak. Some will probably even read something like this and think stop wallowing in self pity which shows how they have absolutely no idea how the mind or brain works when it starts to close down. They just think they can bully or guilt trip people out of depression when compassion and concern are often far more important. Human beings are an incredibly selfish animal though, sometimes.

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