Unfortunately the overwhelming anxiety has not relented. I tried going out for three long walks this week but nothing has helped. Even worse it was my birthday today and despite my sister coming for a short time this morning it just makes me feel worse. This was the first time in 6 weeks I have spoken more than a sentence to a real human being. My birthday was never particularly celebrated that much even when I was a child.My parents never even got me a cake and I never did have a party of any kind. Mad parents, mad children.Now it’s just a reminder of my failure and years of unhappiness.
I even started drinking in the afternoon today, well if you can’t drink more on your birthday then when can you? However it just made me more upset and I started to get frustrated and ended up punching myself in the head again. I fear a summer of feeling this unrelentingly bad and with no way out and I will be desperate to do anything to leave. Maybe I should learn to love myself because some stranger on a self help forum advises it and this will cure me of everything! It becomes clear advice such as this and the think of three positives each day does not come from someone with real depression.