Getting hard to breathe,
Getting hard to believe in anything at all,
Mother of Violence,- Peter Gabriel
it’s getting to the point now that I feel so bad for so much of each day that death becomes a hope although I am still too cowardly to do it yet. To end it now would require far too much bravery. On my walks in the peak district I would often stand by the edge of cliffs and imagine coming back at some point with a bottle of whisky and wondering if I could do it drunk. Of course you need a hard flat hard surface to end it quick otherwise you are still alive in agonising pain. This would put me off as I would no doubt be left at the bottom of a cliff in unbearable pain all night and still alive if I did it wrong. More failure.I’m even pessimistic about failure in suicide! I also stand at the side of busy roads as lorries and buses go by at high speed but again it’s hit and miss(quite literally!) and also it’s unfair to involve an innocent driver in your schemes.
Of course the reason people still contemplate such things is not because they are all out of their minds, its because the NHS is still shit at curing mental illness and we live in the world where survival of the fittest operates for humans just as much as for animals. Many normal people in normal jobs with normal families would contemplate such a thing if they faced being a homeless beggar and they had no family or friends or support and lived in a world where you are ridiculed for being a failure.
People have told me to get out more and go to places as if I will automatically connect with people. Examples are volunteering jobs and various internet meetups Don’t be silly, I have never connected with anyone in over 40 years. Stop giving advice that only works for normal people!What will happen is I will be extremely awkward and miserable, this repels normal people so they avoid me and then I will go home in a state of distress at how bad it made me feel. And then these self help experts tell you to keep doing it over and over again! It’s like telling you to keep hitting yourself in the head to cure a headache. Why on earth they think repeated exposure to failure will cure you I have no idea. Why do they imagine repeating something will make you better? That other people will eventually like you? That when you have done something many times the anxiety goes away? That at some point you start acting normally? That at some point other people start liking you instead of hating you? Often it keeps getting worse if you repeat something bad, not better.
Shyness kills, eventually.