Not one of us!

I try to write things down sometimes to help me understand , to make me feel better but honestly my mind is so dead most mornings that even putting a coherent sentence together is difficult and everything becomes muddled and mixed up. This is even when I dont drink so its a depression thing. Likewise trying to be positive or friendly on an anxiety forum is so hard I have given up. yet the only way to make friends or contacts whether over the internet or in real life is to be friendly and funny to get people to like you. Just be yourself, my arse! if this doesn’t show how judgemental people are I dont know what does and it also shows why people with mental health problems will find it much harder.  If you are faulty(mentally ill) then nobody wants to know you! if you have no support such as family then you really are on your own.

It’s so easy to see how people who are down or depressed just keep getting worse as everyone ignores you and avoids you even more which then makes you feel worse. is this evolution at work? removing you from society, from the gene pool to stop you passing on faulty genes. Are you supposed to go away and die for the good for the species? are you a waste of space and valuable resources in an already overcrowded world?  Are suicidal thoughts a natural reaction to failure and society not letting you be one of them unless you are normal?

Its partly sunny so I will take some paracetamol and try and force myself to go out this afternoon again on a walk. Its becoming harder each week. Even going to the local places I have been many times before is hard. Getting a train and going further is near to impossible without severe anxiety and bowel problmes and doing it more often did not make it easier. Do these people who boast of having a positive attitude realise it isn’t always a choice?

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