I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
’cause boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry
The deep sadness of longing. Sometimes I hear the words of a song and the emotion is so strong, so powerful I feel tears appear. Most of the experiences of social anxiety I read online are from people still in their twenties who are distraught if they are still alone or have not got a great life at 23. It’s not surprising as people around their late teens and early twenties are supposed to be socialising every week, meeting lots of new friends, finding themselves and understanding relationships, forging their careers or futures. What happens to those that don’t make it though? The people in their forties, fifties and beyond who never made it, found someone or a reason to live. Do the lone women all have cats or an assortment of teddy bears to keep them company? Do the lonely males all have weird collections of figurines like you see on youtube, go to sci-fi conventions, do things in their shed? Do all these people just learn to cope but still have this sadness of failure deep inside their soul? Does it ever go away?
The loneliness and abnormality of my life has indeed created madness. I know my mental health has got worse yet still can not stop it. I get very paranoid when I go out, think people are laughing at me. I have no coping strategies and no way out that work for long. Apart from that one friend I see occasionally I speak to noone for weeks or often months. Mad people often have mad families of course and my sister has abandoned me. I keep thinking is she is removing negative people or events (that’s me!) from her life in order to feel better herself. The way she abandoned my elderly dying mother at the end because it was too much for her to cope with. After all she has had lifelong mental problems with stress and anxiety herself. Either way, I won’t forgive and I won’t forget.
When I have the occasionally good or happy day this only makes me realise how bad I feel most other days when I am alone and that I also have no way out or idea what to do. People say pull yourself together or sort yourself out but how? I wish I had someone to have told me what to do in order to live, a set of life instructions. When I left school I was completely lost especially after quitting college. My plans were in tatters and I never recovered. I never really got better; I struggled to cope with normal everyday events. Life’s now become a series of coping strategies in order to get through each day as the only other choice is suicide and I am far too much of a coward to kill myself yet. The occasional experiences of feeling good are of little compensation when the future looks even bleaker as my money runs out and we now have the most right wing survival of the fittest government in decades.