I saw a film last night where a young man had minor brain damage after an accident. He had problems with memory and not knowing what to say in certain situations anymore and so had to make lists of what to do on a notepad. He was even sitting in bar and writing down chat up lines which he heard other men using to get girls so he could try them himself. When he later tried it of course the girl just looked at him like he was strange and moved on. And yet this is exactly what shy people are told to do. Again and again the advice is to just get out there and practice. Yet absolutely no thought is given to body language, voice and other behaviour. It’s like the advice I mentioned once before in a self help book of going into the local shop and talking about the weather every week as if that would make you better instead of being ridiculed as the strange weirdo who talked about the weather.
Men who are good at chatting women up or just talking to anyone have a certain charisma, they can handle themselves. Even making basic conversation about the weather is miles ahead of someone with chronic SA. Most importantly good talkers can speak about absolutely anything probably even public toilets and still appear entertaining and that’s because they never come across as awkward or make others feel awkward.They put people at ease, joke,entertain. Of course a very nervous person(male or female) comes across as awkward which is exactly the opposite you want to be when going on a date or even trying to make friends.I am not sure how beneficial meeting other shy people from forums would be as they might be so nervous and awkward themselves that they make you feel much worse and then no one benefits.
Yet almost every straight man, including all the idiots you have ever known still get girlfriends which would be impossible if they didn’t get to a certain level of conversational skills. Don’t confuse this with intelligence, teh stupid most ignorant people all have relationships, they are just not chronically shy.It’s not just a matter of turning up and saying things as if you are reading from a notepad like the film either. You have to appear natural and also know what to say. You don’t learn from simple exposure if you fail horrendously as this destroys your confidence making you even more nervous and edgy. The advice is to learn from past mistakes but many people with severe SA myself included analyse every situation and failure making myself feel worse. If you could just shrug off all disasters and just keep trying again that would be perfect but nobody ever explains how to do this. if the criteria for success in evolutionary terms is passing on your genes to future generations it makes you realise how serious extreme shyness is as almost all people with other mental health problems such as depression still have relationships and kids and yet there are many older people with social anxiety who have never even been on a date.
One more thing,I’ve stopped following two blogs that say learn to love yourself. So called inspirational blogs that come up with such complete crap on a daily basis just make me feel worse as they push guilt onto me as if I am simply choosing not to be happy,(yeah right!)and may as well say believe in Jesus as an answer to all my problems.Actually I find it much easier to love Jesus even if he is fictional than myself. He was lovely!