So how does and how has your mental illness, your madness affected your life so far? Its still a hard thing to to admit considering there are so many people who think social anxiety is nothing more than shyness and that you will grow out of it or that you are simply being lazy for not trying harder. Even some doctors have said this to people who go to them for help and I always felt deeply ashamed of admitting I was so shy before I knew what SA was, even though it was rife in all of my family. I was far too embarrassed to seek help and probably would not have got any anyway as my mother and sister both got little assistance from our doctor for anxiety issues.
I had chronic shyness from the age of 5 when I started school until I left at 16 and pretty much hated every day. So much so I started to think of dying even back then as life was so miserable and lonely. Despite this when I left I still intended to go to Uni as my best friend was going and I had no other options. In the end I left college after only 2 days and never even went to university at all despite being in the top 10% of my year for maths and English at school. I then took a low paid and dead end job which I never managed to progress any further in even after 20 years. I did not find work after being made redundant. Well that’s my career sorted now onto relationships, I never have been on a single date let alone, touched,kissed a female or had any sexual experience although I also have way more going on there that I would not speak of here. Obviously this means I have never and will not now have a family or the stability of a normal family life. I also never learnt to drive and have never been abroad. Other side effects have been periods of chronic insomnia, paranoia and depression. It also means I had little or no friends for much of my early life so spent almost every night in alone when all other teenagers seemed to be going out socialising every night. Because of this I now I have no support network to fall back on when feeling low or desperate which leads me onto the next thing. Alcohol. At one point I was drinking quite a lot, every night, probably the equivalent of a bottle of wine. This was initially to conquer my insomnia but of course went much further. I also took lots and lots of pain killers of various types and antihistamines. Twice I actually passed out on the floor when I got up to go toilet in the night.
I also cut myself for a period and still have marks on my legs and left arm and even on my left wrist where I really did want to die at the time but I am pleased the blade was blunt now, not because I wanted to live but because of all the messy blood, it’s a bad slow way to go. I also used to bang myself in the head quite extensively and this led to a lot of bad headaches unsurprisingly. The top of my neck still cracks sometimes from the time I hit it with a large pebble I had taken brought back from a day trip to the beach as I wanted to break my spinal column although knowing my luck I would probably have just been left paralysed. All this shit and yet I have never once been to the doctor to speak of any of it. Too late now, the NHS is on the verge of collapse. I don’t think I am a coward for not doing enough, after all most of the things I have tried have been horrendous failures or a waste of time and many things made me feel worse. I think I am a coward for not having the guts to end it years ago thus stopping years of pain . And yet some people still ask why social anxiety is such a big problem.