Close to the Edge

I really feel quite terrible again. Some days are OK but the hopelessness remains eternal. Almost all advice and help online is absolutely useless and has no relevance to my life whatsoever. The biggest truth though is that humans as a species are all cruel, selfish and judgmental at times to lesser or greater degrees. The reason I feel this bad is because I am too different to fit in. In order to be happy I have to change myself to be like everyone else to be one of the crowd, one of them, like everyone else with a normal job and normal family and normal social life. 

Yet because I am so different nobody wants me in the first place. This is the great paradox with social anxiety advice. They constantly tell you to get out there as if it will cure you and yet getting out there just reaffirms that everyone else doesn’t like you or want anything to do with you. Some even ridicule you FFS! You feel like the sad desperate loser going around saying “please be my friend!” Using online forums has proven worthless and almost always makes me feel worse just like trying to mix with real people. The same members who claim they are so friendly and non judgmental almost always ignore any post I ever make on any subject. They, like everyone else are judging me and as soon as they see my username ignore me. If they want to hate me for the most minor of past arguments than that makes me hate them back so my anger and frustration actually increases. Yet at the same time you have got all these self help types going around telling you to love yourself! What the fuck does this even mean. And if you do, does that mean you think you are perfect and so don’t change your behavior which is the reason for your problems in the first place?

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9 thoughts on “Close to the Edge

  1. Your thought process is similar to mine.
    Most of the time I question, analyse and overthinking things.

    I don’t fit in a particular group (pigeon hole). Sometimes at work I have tried to join in, but I become uncomfortable and start withdrawing again. Everyone else seems to think the same or have the same mannerisms, which doesn’t make them right.
    It just means people clone themselves on others.
    I hate the loud, over opinionated people that just have to be heard and try to convince others that their view is the right one.

    Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer as I am still indoors in my own little group. 😕😕
    I have no idea how I’m supposed to meet people when I suffer so much in social situations.

  2. For me self love is not about being perfect but trying to accept whatever makes you you. It’s not easy and I am no where close and how you feel I feel more often than not.. I don’t even have the “balls” to join online chat or groups because I feel so different and weird! But I will never stop fighting for myself, even if I don’t get anything out of it at least I tried!

    • But do you then accept your faults? if people dont like you for certain things you do or say do you try and change them? Accepting yourself seems to me to be more about not caring what other people think of you. After all nearly all bad people still have partners and friends but never question themselves or care what others think.

      • I try to accept my faults.. But I am not completely there yet where I love myself completely. In the past I changed, but over the last 3 years I have stopped to change for others. And I guess that’s why I am single and don’t have a huge circle of friends. But I am fine with it. It took to much out of me to please everyone. And I felt sad all the time because I felt I was faking my life. Being a mother also was a part of wanting to live a honest life. I wanted my kids to see me calm instead of stressed and sad. I believe accepting and loving myself has a lot to do with not caring what other people think. Because my focus is on what I care and think. And at one point there will be people crossing my path who enjoys me for me. I just have faith in that. And also I don’t need many. Just a few. And I also often think bad people have relationships and friends. Why not me? But I try to avoid those thoughts because I then judge myself and my need to be authentic. And so many times those thoughts has pushed me to change into someone I don’t like. A fake me. And the fake me always end up with fake friends or fake partner. So I am embracing ( or I am trying) my loneliness and letting myself be me.

        Sorry if I am rambling, this topic is not an easy topic and I’m still struggling with it.

  3. Thats Ok I understand, especially about being fake. I hate feeling like I should have to say or agree with things I dont believe in just to make strangers like me. I used to do that way back in junior school.

  4. Please don’t change for anybody! You are important and significant just the way you are, even if it is not perfect like everyone wants. Years ago I pushed toxic, fake people out of my life. I used to have a huge fear of being alone, especially because no one understood me. Funny thing is, now I am mostly alone and I am okay with it. I stood my ground and took pride in who I am, faults and all. There is a comfort and strength in that. Screw the people who say “it will get better” or “love yourself” – they don’t know a damn thing about you and what you are experiencing. Sometimes “positive” advice is the most damaging. It’s more important to accept who you are and then stand by it. I’m sorry but I have been there so I think differently than most people. Who says we have to be perfect? I’d rather just be me.

  5. Thanks Sarah, I’m starting to think screw people on forums and do whatever you like is a better way of being. Finding things to do and enjoy is the next step.

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