I really feel quite terrible again. Some days are OK but the hopelessness remains eternal. Almost all advice and help online is absolutely useless and has no relevance to my life whatsoever. The biggest truth though is that humans as a species are all cruel, selfish and judgmental at times to lesser or greater degrees. The reason I feel this bad is because I am too different to fit in. In order to be happy I have to change myself to be like everyone else to be one of the crowd, one of them, like everyone else with a normal job and normal family and normal social life.
Yet because I am so different nobody wants me in the first place. This is the great paradox with social anxiety advice. They constantly tell you to get out there as if it will cure you and yet getting out there just reaffirms that everyone else doesn’t like you or want anything to do with you. Some even ridicule you FFS! You feel like the sad desperate loser going around saying “please be my friend!” Using online forums has proven worthless and almost always makes me feel worse just like trying to mix with real people. The same members who claim they are so friendly and non judgmental almost always ignore any post I ever make on any subject. They, like everyone else are judging me and as soon as they see my username ignore me. If they want to hate me for the most minor of past arguments than that makes me hate them back so my anger and frustration actually increases. Yet at the same time you have got all these self help types going around telling you to love yourself! What the fuck does this even mean. And if you do, does that mean you think you are perfect and so don’t change your behavior which is the reason for your problems in the first place?