Backwards and Downwards!

I think I woke up about 7 times last night often after disturbing dreams. I wake or more likely lay awake for hours before I get up most mornings feeling like hell and totally exhausted. Nothing seems to work, no alcohol, more alcohol, different food and diet and exercise or none at all. Perhaps I am just mental and my brain is beginning to accept that normality is now close to impossible.Once again I heard on TV that exercise is great for depression but does that include walking in a city where there are crowds of people and potential scumbags everywhere. If I walk further afield I have to get a bus as I (SHOCK HORROR!) am a fully grown man that doesn’t drive! When I feel shit then walking feels shit and I want to sit down in a corner somewhere and sleep. I also can’t stand people near me and there is nowhere and I mean nowhere nearby that offers isolation and peace. Well perhaps locking myself in the toilets all day might be a choice. Motivation? Its about as low as its ever been in my life right now. How do you sell yourself for a job interview if you think you are useless, mentally insane yourself? Of course whats often forgotten is that you also have to sell yourself to other people to even make basic friends so if you haven’t got any in this frame of mind then your negativity will drive people away and dont even think of using a self help forum where the people are so judgmental and cliquey. I think most of them are actually looking for somebody wonderful to save them, their ideal fantasy person,not another lunatic and are not very good at being friends to other people despite pretending they offer support. There is less backstabbing and cliquey-ness in the Big Brother House! Bitter,twisted? You bet I am!

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