Its so easy to sink into the abyss of depression and want to give up. The light gets forever smaller at the end of the tunnel. Over the last few weeks and months my mood has nose dived so far its hard to imagine feeling normal or happy ever again. Sometimes I hardly sleep at all and then other days I sleep until midday. Motivation collapses and the point for continued existence is harder to find. I have tried to do normal things like keeping busy and going for walks but they are not the same anymore and do not stop the anxiety. Nothing works and to be honest it never has for very long. Like brief glimpses of sunlight in the darkness.Occasionally I have the odd good day but i know now it’s only a momentary escape in an ocean of hopelessness and despair.
I find all other people to hard to deal with. Most people dont care about strangers and why should they? People only care about their own clan and if you have no one to be with then you stay alone. If there is something wrong with you it’s much harder to connect, not only because of anxiety and social ineptitude but because people dont want to know you as we evolved to dislike faults and stay away from mad or mental people. We mock them for acting strange or not being like one of us.This only makes isolation and mental health problems worse. You can only connect with strangers in real life or online by trying to be like one of them in order to make them like us, pretending to be happy, to like what they like, to be normal. But you’re not and never have been.
I imagine a happy family sitting in their front room around their Christmas Dinner this year. They laugh and smile and enjoy the experience of sharing , of being one and together and happy. Memories that last a lifetime.I then imagine myself looking through their window like a future ghost from a Christmas Carol and seeing myself as I could have been but unlike scrooge I have no means of changing my future. The pain of knowing what cannot now be is almost as bad as losing what you have when you are happy. I dont know what to do any more. No advice works as it assumes the impossible. Pushing myself often did not work as so much advice ignores the fact that when you act chronically shy people think you’re a freak and never want to see you again. As a result I got worse and not better.I just wish it would all end.