The Truth

I replied to a survey on social anxiety in a moment of late night drunken madness last week. The first question is below with my answer although I may change much of it before it’s eventually returned.

  1. What is it like having SA? In what ways does it affect your life?

 It’s a bit hard to answer simply and I could write several pages on this alone but basically it has felt like having some kind of mental disability since the age of 5(when starting school) and yet I feel it is mostly unrecognised by the majority of people who at least have some idea what depression is. I suppose I have never felt quite normal, like one of the other kids at school or people at work. Always an outsider.For a start I am not only still a virgin but have never had any romantic connection with another person in any way shape or form. Not only have I never come even close to going on a date but in 20 years at work I barely had a conversation with a female co-worker for longer than a few sentences. To be honest I felt hated and disliked by many people because of my shyness so become even more avoidant.

I dropped out of college after only 2 days after major anxiety attack as I could not bear being the loner in the classroom again and so I got a menial low paid job instead. I stayed in that job for nearly twenty years until I was made redundant and never progressed much. I haven’t worked since and my pessimism and paranoia have increased greatly. The shame of being long term unemployed means that I am too ashamed and embarrassed to apply for most jobs or think that I could not possibly do them so I remain unemployed even though I know the end result can only be homelessness or death. I only have one friend who I met from an online anxiety forum and see several times a year as they live in another city. This is the only female friend I have ever had. We get on so well that I almost feel normal when with her and far more confident when going out somewhere with her. I often go weeks without speaking to anyone in between though and my mood nose dives.

 

I still dont dont whether to return this answer as it’s so depressing and pessimistic to read.Mind you it is the truth. I wont mention my intimacy and asexual issues yet though. How does it effect me from day to day? I hide like a hermit.

 

 

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Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up!

5 thoughts on “The Truth”

  1. “asexual issues”? Interesting, I really have come to believe that I am asexual as well. I’ve read some of your posts but never came across anything about asexuality. I’d love to read whatever you have to say about it, from one asexual to another. I need to post more, but I never really know what to write about.

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