New Year’s Eve

I have never been out on or celebrated New Year’s Eve. Sometimes I am almost tempted to venture into the city centre but I doubt I would see anything apart from some drunken people and being alone is always unnerving at that time. I have for the last few years collected 100 pictures of the year which I put together for an album on flickr. It’s not been a great year again but I always like to look back as many of my my photos make me feel better. Photography has been a big part of my life in recent years and has been a  reason to force myself to go out and about when my mind wanted to hide away even if the weather(and poor forecasting!)has driven me insane( What? Even more?) sometimes.

Reflection

My thanks to anyone who has commentated, followed or viewed my blog in the last year.I wish I could have been more supportive to others but many times I have been struggling to cope with my own life. However it is a comfort to communicate with other people, many of whom had been through the same things or had it much worse and I am truly thankful. Whoever you are and especially if you are alone or have had SA for a long time I hope you have a good new year.

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Why are you still single?

Random youtube video of the day. I came across this youtuber as she was talking about anxiety and depression in another video. She’s very popular probably partly due to being very attractive.Most of the popular ones are.      Cute, attractive, funny, bubbly etc. My God there’s some kind of pattern for success on youtube! What? No fat old balding miserable men?  Anyone would think that people were picky and judgmental.

This one is 10 reasons why men are still single and yes , you guessed it coming in at no.10 which is about 4:40 into the video if you can’t be bothered to watch the whole thing is shyness!

“Or maybe it’s because you are just too shy. You know, nothing’s going to happen if you don’t grab the bull by its horns. It’s not attractive when men are really shy around women.”

I don’t piss my pants though(usually). I don’t know why this was added to shyness unless it’s to make the shy man look even more pitiful. I used to blush and stutter horrendously and have trouble making conversation but then I never had any hot girl come up to me and introduce herself either. I dont think many men do but then I never went to parties either and it strangely never seems to happen at bus stops or in Tesco. It fact no female has ever made the first move or tried to chat me up ever. Perhaps I am the world’s ugliest man or perhaps women are heaven forbid ….different to men in some ways apart from physically. Female and male life forms exhibit different behaviour in virtually every species of the millions of animals on the planet earth but let’s pretend humans are equal because it makes some people feel better!

You see the biggest problem for me was and I keep coming back to this is that everyone on anxiety forums, self help books, internet videos keeps telling you if you have social anxiety to go out and do stuff and what have you got to lose but then if I did I would be the weird loner at the party who would blush and stutter and that would make me disliked, ridiculed which would make me suicidal later and never want to leave the house again. I can think of some girls at work who really disliked( hated?) me for simply being shy and quiet. This made me more avoidant, avoid girls more, not determined to go out more. How many parties would I have had to go and stand in the corner blushing and stuttering and looking awkward before I got better?  The answer is irrelevant as doing something that does not make you feel better does not cure you of SA……….ever.

What do you worry about the most?

The final two question I answered for the social anxiety survey

  1. What do you worry about the most?

I think it’s way beyond simply fearing being alone in old age or not getting the ideal career now as I am probably too old anyway for any typical life and contrary to delusional motivational advice age really does matter to everyone.  My biggest fear though is becoming homeless due to no income and then having to contemplate suicide as a last resort to end further pain and humiliation. I watched some homeless people in a shelter for Christmas on local news tonight. I still see much prejudice and ridicule about homeless people as if they deserve it due to laziness or they are simply classified as alcoholics and drug addicts who refuse help or change and yet when there is any study on people in this situation they often have had long term mental health problems. Evolution and survival of the fittest rings true again.

 

11. Is there anything else that you would like to add that hasn’t been covered by these questions?

I’m not sure. Maybe asking people what things have been the most successful for them in helping with their SA and some of the things that have not worked or been the most damaging.

Christmas Day

I just got back from the cemetery. There were lots of people there again despite the drizzly weather. It’s the one place I actually dont feel awkward on Christmas day. I returned home in time for the Queen’s speech at 3PM which is traditional in the UK. I admit I got a bit emotional at the grave as I played the song on my mp3 player that I choose at my mother’s funeral. I put some rum in my hot chocolate on my return(which is not recommended!) and will try to watch TV for the rest of the day and eat and drink. I’ve used the word I far too many times to start sentences so far but let’s carry on anyway.

It’s now evening and I feel quite awful despite the rum and even drank again later on which will no doubt mean I wake in the middle of night and cant get back to sleep again and I also feel quite sick at the moment. Drinking may not help in the long run but the trouble is neither does sobriety. I tried once again going on the anxiety forum but it’s the usual clique talking amongst themselves and ignoring anyone else. Its just as hard as real life except people on self help forums claim they are kind and supportive when in reality they are only trying to help themselves and take great delight in ignoring certain members deemed as not worthy. Anyone would think I was a member of the Nazi party or that’s just how I feel on there.There’s not a lot of choice when you are mentally insane and alone though. When I was young and every Christmas seemed magical and special I would never have believed things would end up like this.

 

On a cold Christmas Eve

I starting to feel anxious about lunchtime and so I went out three times today to try and break up feelings of intense thingy-me-whatsit( that’s anxiety, depression and loneliness all mixed together). I started by buying a bottle of rum for future use and ended up going to Christmas Eve carol concert in the town hall square this evening for a while. Oh to be a madman amongst the happy people doing happy things. There were lots of drunken people wandering around town as well. I may be somewhat drunk too for the next 4 days. God bless for anyone in the same boat. Nobody knows the pain of loneliness but the mad and lonely.

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I could have been someone
Well, so could anyone
You took my dreams
From me when I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can’t make it all alone
I’ve built my dreams around you

True Colors

Show me a smile then,
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing

 

Finding it very hard not to get very down and depressed again. I may force myself to go for a walk but it’s wet and drizzly out and it’s almost as bad as staying inside. I know my mood has nose dived sharply again over the last week and using the anxiety forum is getting hard as I feel disliked, ignored and very paranoid. Of course you could say that using the anxiety forum is the very reason I get paranoid and depressed and its just like in real life where people dislike and ignore you. Is this really irrational thinking or the blunt truth? I am still not sure. Its clearly obvious that people on such forums who think of themselves as friendly and non judgmental are in reality no such thing and they are only friendly to certain people who they regard as good enough to get their attention.  Still that’s loneliness and desperation for you. Since I talk to no people in real life for weeks at a time I am forced to go online. It doesn’t matter though. People are people whether online or in reality and it’s just as hard to connect. Just be yourself my arse. Once you have  a bad reputation everything you say or do is ignored.