I just got back from the cemetery. There were lots of people there again despite the drizzly weather. It’s the one place I actually dont feel awkward on Christmas day. I returned home in time for the Queen’s speech at 3PM which is traditional in the UK. I admit I got a bit emotional at the grave as I played the song on my mp3 player that I choose at my mother’s funeral. I put some rum in my hot chocolate on my return(which is not recommended!) and will try to watch TV for the rest of the day and eat and drink. I’ve used the word I far too many times to start sentences so far but let’s carry on anyway.
It’s now evening and I feel quite awful despite the rum and even drank again later on which will no doubt mean I wake in the middle of night and cant get back to sleep again and I also feel quite sick at the moment. Drinking may not help in the long run but the trouble is neither does sobriety. I tried once again going on the anxiety forum but it’s the usual clique talking amongst themselves and ignoring anyone else. Its just as hard as real life except people on self help forums claim they are kind and supportive when in reality they are only trying to help themselves and take great delight in ignoring certain members deemed as not worthy. Anyone would think I was a member of the Nazi party or that’s just how I feel on there.There’s not a lot of choice when you are mentally insane and alone though. When I was young and every Christmas seemed magical and special I would never have believed things would end up like this.