Praise the Lord!

Somebody called religion an emotional crutch which I suppose is in many ways true. The thing is that it needs to be for some people as real life is so appalling and miserable. Lets face it, despite the claims that humanity is full of love and compassion there is plenty of evidence to the contrary and once you are alone and have problems there are not many strangers who want to help or even know you. Being depressed and mental its hard enough to find any connection with people on the net and even harder in real life.

I said only the other day on a forum that all religion is just a human concept to explain things that he/she didn’t understand throughout history. This would mean that its all delusional and has no evidence to back it up. However delusional thinking may be beneficial for people with mental or physical health problems. An example I have given before was that if the ugliest man thinks he is great looking and this gives him confidence then at least he will go out and try to go on a date whereas the man who knows himself to be ugly will never leave the house and never even have a chance and thus be alone forever. Therefore delusional thinking which creates positivity and therefore greater chances of happiness is a good thing and whether there is any truth in it or not is irrelevant.

I was brought up in a Christian country singing hymns at school despite my family never going to church and have always felt deeply spiritual and prayed on many occasions. Now despite firmly believing in evolution and that science dispels much of the bible and all religions I have got to the point of thinking who cares? I need an emotional crutch since real life is so lonely and cruel.  I will ignore the old testament but if a belief in Jesus and the new testament can offer a shred of comfort and hope in a life that has none then delusional thinking may be far better than reality and far more beneficial for my positivity and state of mind.

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All is Quiet

Its that time of year again, January. I hate it. Christmas is over and a new year begins. I spent time with a friend(yes, I have one!) last week but it’s always hard to come back to reality and the loneliness again. The same routine, the same behaviour of trying to find things to fill my days again without feeling anxious or more likely suicidal. I endlessly try and use the UK anxiety forum for some relief and human contact albeit online but I feel like Benjamin Netanyahu going for a walk in downtown Palestine. Surely I can’t be that bad. Strange so many people on these forums claim to be friendly and non judgmental. Does this attitude only apply to certain types of people who are the same as them, think like them, act like them? So tolerant it seems as long as you are on the far left and obey them.

I still dont get much of the advice for social anxiety. It appears to insist you must be motivated, positive and raring to go and gives you no idea on how to get there. Almost all advice ignores any depression despite depression being a major contributory factor in anxiety and one that makes the most simple thing considerably harder. I often feel hopeless and exhausted most days so how do I just switch on motivation and act friendly, smile and normal when I am not? The advice is useless and then tries to blame you for not trying hard enough.

Happy New Year?

The Christmas period has been much as expected really. Although not good obviously(I have not spoken to another person in proper conversation since 19th December). The worst time was Christmas evening when I got drunk and started punching myself in the head again but only briefly. Then last night I had some hideously depressing dreams which made me feel bad upon awakening. Mind you I have drunk something every night. When this happens I can think of no option but death. It seems like the sensible option rather than irrational thinking to save myself from future pain.

People assume it’s about the usual things of being lonely but its really  not, it’s more about survival and having enough money to stop me becoming homeless. That’s the reality of bad social anxiety, it’s not the lack of having a wife, family, partner friends or decent job, It’s anxiety so bad it stops you being able to survive financially and you almost welcome death as an alternative.  Applying for a job or applying for benefits, it all feels like begging and shameful and humiliating so non existence seems better. On that optimistic note, Happy New year!