Happy New Year?

The Christmas period has been much as expected really. Although not good obviously(I have not spoken to another person in proper conversation since 19th December). The worst time was Christmas evening when I got drunk and started punching myself in the head again but only briefly. Then last night I had some hideously depressing dreams which made me feel bad upon awakening. Mind you I have drunk something every night. When this happens I can think of no option but death. It seems like the sensible option rather than irrational thinking to save myself from future pain.

People assume it’s about the usual things of being lonely but its really  not, it’s more about survival and having enough money to stop me becoming homeless. That’s the reality of bad social anxiety, it’s not the lack of having a wife, family, partner friends or decent job, It’s anxiety so bad it stops you being able to survive financially and you almost welcome death as an alternative.  Applying for a job or applying for benefits, it all feels like begging and shameful and humiliating so non existence seems better. On that optimistic note, Happy New year!


Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up! NOW WITH ADDED DEPRESSION!

8 thoughts on “Happy New Year?”

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. You are not alone. Don’t give up–take care of yourself and know that we are rooting for you.

  2. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I have felt like this so many times myself.
    I can understand your worry with money I worry about that too.
    You shouldn’t feel bad about applying for benefits when you suffer with a debilitating illness.
    I hope things will get better for you, take care

  3. Hi,

    Usually, people with social anxiety are more motivated and much more informed. We can use our abilities to avoid suffering or at least mitigate it. Why should we live a miserable life in the 21st century? I think we lack organisational abilities to tackle the problems face. Surely, we can use our collective experiences to find some solution.


    1. I’m not sure, I have not known many people with SA having more motivation unless very young, if anything they seem to have less.

  4. I’m 22 and I’ve in this same hole in my whole life. I can resonate with everything in your blog (except the part where you want an asexual relationship).

    I agree people are largely egocentric, selfish agents and I don’t think that will change. People can overcome this by having empathetic and intelligent community leaders that can care, not only about the one dying girl, but also extend their resources equally to the masses that suffer.

    I feel like I have some hope to live a normal (I hope your life can improve). I am highly educated, which also rationalize my situation to people (I’m introverted because I have to work hard). I’ll try to join clubs and societies when I return to University to force myself to connect and bond with people. I hope my intelligence will be able to help me out of this situation.

    I have some idea about what you are going through, but your energy tends more to your hopeless existence, while mine is directed to getting out of hopelessness.

    You can self-generate happiness (I have).
    Try to take up hobbies like brewing and fishing (these hobbies require little people interactions, but they have potential to provide people interactions and can add value to your life).

    Read (or Ebook on YouTube):
    1. Daniel Kahneman – thinking, fast and slow
    2. Steven Pink – Better Angels of our Nature
    3. Quite : The Power of introverts
    4. A brief history of time (Hawkins)

    Devalue your life and do stuff ( I can’t really articulate this, but it kinda worked for me).

    Google, “Andrew Kukes foundation for social anxiety”.

    You are not alone in this and thanks for sharing your experiences.

  5. Hi again,
    Thanks for your reply. I’ll look at the book list later. I do find it hard with being optimistic at my age now though. I think it was easier when I was 22 to believe that everything would get better or things would just happen. I was due to go back to night school about that time but my friend pulled out at the last minute.My motivation has collapsed in recent years and I cant just feel positive from reading books as depression has also set in. I still think most of the online advice deals with average shyness rather than chronic anxiety. Although I dont like fishing and drink too much already to brew alcohol(if that’s what you meant) I do think keeping busy during the day can help though and some kind of hobby or activity to do could be a big help .

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