The Christmas period has been much as expected really. Although not good obviously(I have not spoken to another person in proper conversation since 19th December). The worst time was Christmas evening when I got drunk and started punching myself in the head again but only briefly. Then last night I had some hideously depressing dreams which made me feel bad upon awakening. Mind you I have drunk something every night. When this happens I can think of no option but death. It seems like the sensible option rather than irrational thinking to save myself from future pain.
People assume it’s about the usual things of being lonely but its really not, it’s more about survival and having enough money to stop me becoming homeless. That’s the reality of bad social anxiety, it’s not the lack of having a wife, family, partner friends or decent job, It’s anxiety so bad it stops you being able to survive financially and you almost welcome death as an alternative. Applying for a job or applying for benefits, it all feels like begging and shameful and humiliating so non existence seems better. On that optimistic note, Happy New year!