Finding out wherever there is comfort there is pain
Only one step away
Like four seasons in one day
People are hypocritical all the time aren’t they? Again and again they urge you to go out and do things and then if you dont act like they expect or want you to they dont like you or want anything to do with you again thus making you feel worse. Then they wonder why you are negative and avoidant. In reality having severe anxiety and paranoia makes you speak to yourself, get angry all the time at almost every thing and you dont even have a grasp on reality. (just me then?)If someone wants to speak about the state of politics or what’s happening in the news to you its of no more relevance than speaking about the history of Chinese porcelain during the Ming dynasty as your mind is trying to cope with day to day living and just trying to get more than 2 hours sleep for a change. Even going to the shops becomes a major ordeal.You aren’t relaxed, you cant laugh, smile or joke or even think of anything to say. This isn’t simple shyness that can be cured by a night out and a bit of a chat.
Yet you often try, you try because of guilt, of people constantly trying to make out its your fault for being avoidance,not doing enough, being negative and even cowardly. You hope you pray, you try again and again sometimes for years and yet often it ends in more failure and more avoidance. That’s because doing these things is like trying to run a race with a broken leg. You already have things wrong with you and they need to be fixed and healed first. The lies are that many people assume or think that going out with strangers when you are in a terrible mental state is the cure or will help you when its exactly the same as trying to run with a broken leg and will often make you feel far worse. The biggest problem is that curing these things first is hard to impossible because they require help and support and many people with such problems have none and are totally alone. The support of strangers on the internet is non existent as they also require you to have recovered to a certain level before they want to befriend you otherwise you are too boring, negative and hard work for them and as they often have mental health problems themselves they often need someone to help them. The result is the people with the worst anxiety often get secondary conditions such as depression, paranoia and never recover. All hope is F*cked because in reality the entire world is really based on survival of the fittest and the mentally ill are faulty and weak so humanity ridicules and ignores them.
I had a much better day yesterday even after taking a sleeping tablet again. I went for a walk in the local woodland and country park as it was sunny and just being out all day seemed to help. Thankfully the sleeping tablet does not seem to have an affect upon exercise and I felt better the longer I was out. I even had a young couple ask me about walks and places to go in the area and I managed to speak to them for a while although still felt self conscious(yes, even at my age!) Mind you it was my first conversation in 10 days with real humans!
Exercise and keeping busy are really good for stopping depressive thoughts although its too tiring to do every day and there are simply not enough places to go for variety. For the last 8 years I had gone to the passion play about the crucifixion in the city centre every Good Friday but due to cuts they can no longer afford to do it and they now just sing a few hymns and have a gospel choir. I didn’t like it last year so I didn’t go back again.
Today I forced myself to go to the cathedral where there was a service for the 1st anniversary of the re-internment of Richard III who they found under the car park. I try to get out every day if I can. It helps a little.
I joined elefriends yesterday. Its a site for people with mental health problems. As usual I got some people saying hello as they always do when first joining such sites but then I am lost and alone again. The reason these sites are pretty useless is that they only help those who are the least mentally ill. When you are down, negative and feeling almost suicidal most of the time its much harder to post anything and when you do people almost always ignore you as many are actually looking for a saviour. I dont think that many people are looking to give support. They need support and want to know that other humans exist even if only online but many are looking for someone great to come into their lives.
This is true for the main UK social anxiety forum (SAUK) which I have used for over 10 years.
I had some people contact me and we even sent messages to each other for a while but they all stop and never contact me again. They were looking for someone better than me, normal, someone to help them. Apart from one long time friend I met on that site I have had virtually no positive outcome in years. It actually reinforces feelings of being an outsider and not wanted as all people on these sites are just as judgemental as normal people, if not more so. As mentioned many times people with mental health often dont get better as there really is no support unless you already had a good supportive family or friends before you went mentally ill. If you have never had such support and been mentally ill for almost your whole life its much harder to get out of the mire as you stay alone. That’s because everyone avoids you and doesn’t want to see you again and so your whole life is full of negative experiences.
I may try not taking the sleeping pills for a while. I have a much stronger urge to die and not exist in the last few days so they obviously have side effects and my negativity and feelings of anxiety, restlessness and hopelessness have rocketed. I will try and hold on until I see the doctor in a couple of weeks even though I am doubtful he will give a flying F**k or offer any help whatsoever.
A bad day depression wise. It sometimes feels like being stuck in the quicksand, trying to fight against the incoming tide and waiting to drown.I take sleeping tablets and alcohol and feel terrible the next day or none and then dont sleep much, wake up early and still feel terrible the next day. Hmm hard choice. I looked at quite a lot of websites for anxiety and depression but they appear to be mostly useless with the standard advice of keep busy or they want you to send them money. My urge to be dead was its strongest for years this afternoon and I had to stop the old habit to start punching myself in the head but then it already hurt from headaches. I still dont know what to tell the doctor but as I am going anyway for a check up I might as well mention being a mentalist.I tried to keep busy gardening and shopping for paint. I may paint a lot over Easter, not artistic, just rooms. It helps somehow.
Favourite song of the moment.
As I have mentioned before I do like to walk and explore and especially in regards to photography. Unfortunately when my anxiety has gotten worse its the travelling to get places that becomes the problem. I dont drive so I have no option but to take trains and buses and the more you take the more that can go wrong. Last week whilst lying in bed during yet another insomnia episode I decided to get up and go back to the peak district as there was still some chance of snow and it was also due to be sunny all day, a very rare combination. The peak district is the only national park and particularly scenic area of the UK I can reasonably get to and back in one day and not spend a fortune. However even this required two trains and a bus and after a 30 minute walk to the train station it was some 4 hours later before I arrived at Castleton at 12.50PM.
My aim was to climb Mam Tor (below) which was once an iron age hill fort and walk along the ridge. Its a walk I have done several times before and one that offers some of the best views for not too much effort.
This is the view on the way up on the other side of the hill. Its the long and winding road to Edale with Kinder scout in the distance. I love old folk tales, myths and legends and one of my favourite is that here in the 1920’s a large black creature caused havoc by killing local sheep and a howl like a foghorn was heard by the villagers who went out looking for the creature believing it to be a werewolf.
Its amazing that just being a little higher produces so much more snow when there was virtually none on the way here. This is the ridge line I followed. Though easy in the summer it became quite tricky with the ice and muddy conditions.
The view on the other side of the ridge is very different with hardly any snow and a quite ugly cement works sticking up out of nowhere. It was built before the Peak district become a national park as I suspect it wouldn’t be allowed nowadays.
I arrived home quite tired but it certainly helped me to sleep better that night. if only I lived nearer to the countryside. Living in the city is not good for my mental health.
A short moan today but this still gets me furious. I cant be forced to be positive just by someone telling me, just by reading it or thinking it. You develop positivity by positive things happening. For many people they dont. Do they think you just press a button? I have had years of paranoia, depression and anxiety so reading a post on a forum telling you to have a more positive attitude is f**king useless. This from the forum where 99% of the members ignore you while at the same time telling new members that they will find great support. Bollocks will they! Great support if you meet certain criteria which means fitting in and thinking and liking exactly the same as all the regulars!
I read that depression is one of the main effects of long term anxiety and yet almost all advice for SA totally ignores this and assumes you are just a bit nervous and can force yourself to go out and try new things regularly and this will help. If you have depression almost everything you try is a total failure. Even finding the motivation to live or do anything becomes hard.Without curing this and the negativity that goes with it first then almost any attempt to cure SA is pointless as almost all normal people will avoid you as they wont like a miserable or awkward person. Then they try to label people as not trying hard enough or deliberately being negative like its a choice. For instance even without any anxiety I feel as miserable as F**k right now and any conversation is hard. Yet they tell you to just meet up with people and somehow assume you will just make some friends. So much of this online advice is total shit, full of lies, full of hypocrisy.
I signed up to an anxiety site a few months ago and get emails from them like this:
WILLINGNESS: On a scale of 1 to 5 STARS, how WILLING are you to overcome your challenges and to have the life you want?
NOTE: this question isn’t about if you think you can do it or not, but rather how willing you are to take responsibility to do the best you can to resolve your challenges and have the confidence and success in life you want.
Its just so much bollocks. Its obviously demanding positivity and already implying you are a coward and thus deserving misery if you are not up to it. Do they expect you to whoop and say “Yeah!” like a religiously brainwashed audience? Mind you they want you to pay them so they dont really give a damn.
Look at this utter motivational shit I saw on Pinterest today!
5. In every situation, YOU choose your attitude.
Be determined to be positive. Understand that the greater part of your misery or unhappiness is determined not by your circumstances, but by your attitude.
What, so people with cancer, homeless, starving , being abused,living in war zones just choose to be miserable. Of course your mood is TOTALLY determined by your circumstances you stupid F**cking arsewipes!
So I eventually did see a doctor about my pain up the arse. Quite quickly too. Perhaps the NHS has got better in some ways. Thankfully it was haemorrhoids(also known as piles!) rather than cancer and she gave me some cream. Yes she, I had a female doctor to prod me up the bum. Well that’s the first and only time a female human has touched me anywhere remotely private and probably the last. Well apart from that nurse at infants school who appeared to do a penis test by squeezing it and saying “Did that hurt?” She seemed amazed I had not been in over 18 years but why would I if I had nothing physically wrong with me and told in the media constantly that the NHS is on the verge of meltdown. I briefly mentioned anxiety problems but she had only 10 minutes and I have a full check-up in 3 weeks. I am still unsure whether to go or if I do then do I mention how bad I really have been? After all what can they do at my age. Tablets to calm me down and CBT which has enormous waiting lists are the only known way to cure SA and with my depression and negativity I doubt anything will work now.
Do I mention suicidal thoughts, punching myself in the head,my heart pain which is getting worse, being a life long virgin with virtually no human contact, long term unemployment, my past heavy drinking, taking sleeping tablets daily, isolation, increasing depression and paranoia. They will advice all kinds of shit about what food to take, to stop drinking and taking exercise but without curing my mind first there is absolutely no point in anything else. I am curious to know if he(yes its a male doctor next time) understands anxiety and mental problems at all or just fobs me off with the usual poor advice. Perhaps I should show him this blog but then he might have me committed.