Its hard to post here any more as I just keep posting the same sort of shit ad infinitum and as my life does not change in any way for the better its an impossibility to find anything to blog about as I am just watching TV, eating, going occasional walks,have increasing insomnia, irritable bowel problems, depression and anxiety. However I still need to write things down somewhere, sometimes as if it records my feelings and emotions, as if it matters even if it doesn’t.
I just looked someone I used to work with on Facebook again. I know I shouldn’t as it always makes me more depressed but its hard not to spy on people. Some girls I really liked at work, never spoke to them of course due to crippling SA. I can now see photos of them with their husbands, partners and kids.Their happy lives. I keep thinking it could or even should have been me. Of course men with chronic social anxiety are much more likely to be losers and have bad jobs so it makes good sense from an evolutionary point of view for women to avoid them at all costs. Bad providers and all that and yet I think if I would have had someone beside me and to support me when I was younger it would have given me the support and confidence to have done much better. Maybe, maybe not. Its hard to tell now. They say its never too late, of course it is. once you get past a certain age you have missed out on things for good. No family life for me now. Its going to be a struggle even for survival. I imagine these women would think it weird for me, someone they would barely remember looking them up on Facebook many years later, they may even find it creepy. Yet for someone who has never loved or had a normal life its almost inevitable. I remember almost everything and everyone, forget nothing and regret so very much.
I saw this quote on the anxiety forum yesterday in response to someone struggling with loneliness. “It gets better… eventually. Just remember this feeling when you do eventually find friends and develop healthy relationships.The main point however is that it does definitely get better.” I know they are trying to be super positive and helpful but no its definitely doesn’t get better for everyone. There are plenty of old people sitting in retirement homes, who never get any visitors and struggle to even get to the toilet any more, waiting to die. No it doesn’t. It isn’t about seizing the day either and all that bullshit. Once you act weird the whole of society doesn’t want anything to do with you. Don’t let anyone tell you its gets easier when you are older or that you learn to accept these things with time. The regrets and constant yearnings never go away.