They used to say that every day over the tannoy at work and we had to close down the computers for 30 minutes.My brain now feels the same way, like its closing down. The worse I feel the harder is gets to be positive, make any kind of conversation (online or off) or feel humour and enjoyment in anything at all. Its like shutting down possibly for good.Yet the paradox is that I have felt even more of an urge to speak to someone to communicate in some way but of course when you are feeling like this you are in the worst possible state to be social unless you already have friends and a support network. To strangers you come across badly,as rude, negative,depressing, boring, strange, awkward, weird, creepy,etc.etc. and people ignore or dislike you or send you annoying replies like its all your own fault. Humour is absolutely key to forming friendships or more and when you are barely functioning you dont laugh much.Therefore trying to make contact with fellow human beings on any kind of online forum or mental health site has proved almost impossible and actually increases feelings of being hated, disliked and makes me more likely to be avoidant and give up.The sleeping tablets I got off amazon only work if I am not angry or agitated which is not often after only a couple of hours sleep again and have a marked difference in my moods making me not want to leave the house and feeling far more negative. Why does everything have to have a down side? I had planned to force myself on a walk this afternoon, no walks are very pleasant though as I live in a city and have done them a million times before and as its Saturday there will be far more people around. That’s not being negative, that’s the reality and isn’t a choice.