There’s a certain humiliation about appearing desperate. Its well known. People on dating sites are warned to not appear desperate as it puts other people off. Why? Because desperate people are likely to have something wrong with them and we evolved to avoid passing on faulty genes so we avoid people who are faulty. Its amazing how many people are totally unaware of human behaviour and evolution and have constructed a delusional fantasy world based upon believing what they want to believe to make them feel happier. Back to religion again.
This is not a recovery site, hence the title of the blog. Its a real if paranoid account of being a man who has suffered shyness and then chronic anxiety from probably the age of 5 when I first started school. I really do believe that death from shyness is highly likely if not unavoidable now as things are getting worse year by year if not day by day. Of course they will blame alcohol, self harm and depression but it all comes from being too shy to live. Its a descent into madness. I know I am getting madder but have no idea how to stop it.The last few weeks have been quite bad and I stated punching myself in the head and drinking more again. There is no help, its all a myth. Almost all advice is to get out there and mix with people and totally ignores that when you act VERY shy people think you are a freak, miserable, weird and avoid you and thus your anxiety and paranoia get much worse. Kids when you were at school mocked you, adults at work avoid you and speak about you behind your back. People are in reality far more judgemental than we like to think.
This week I tried to be be more active online as I know no one in real life. Virtually every single attempt has ended in failure as I obviously appear too desperate, too miserable or dont know how to put English words into sentences that appear in any way interesting. So I become even more avoidant. Hardly surprising then that I mostly post photos of things as words are too hard and have no effect. Its shows that when you are this depressed and unhappy you repel everyone so you only get worse. Humanity through billions of years of evolution rejects you as you are no use to them. Its apparently up to you to change but no one wants you until you are fully recovered and good enough to interest them in the first place. Getting from A to B is a mystery to me. Everyone else seems to have a map.