My God!…What have I done?

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And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!…What have I done?!

Oh dear, I may have agreed to do something stupid. My one and only friend had asked me to go on holiday with her and her family members for a week to a holiday cottage. Its only in the UK but a few hours drive away and somewhere I would like to go. Now almost all social anxiety advice will advocate go, go go! what have you got to lose? well my life maybe as if it goes badly then I will come home and feel suicidal again , the depression will get worse, I will drink heavily and punch myself in the head,etc,etc.

You see being forced to socialise and mix with 4 strangers when my irritation, depression and moods have been so low for so long is an enormous gamble. I have already looked for an escape route via a train but as its in the UK and our trains are extortionate its £156 one way back. I leave tomorrow to see her and leave for the place on Saturday and feel quite sick. In fact I pretty much feel like the picture of beaker above at the moment,dont panic! If this goes badly it may be the last thing like this I ever do. I have already imagined every scenario and see problems the whole time that most socially anxious people would. What to speak about when I do mostly nothing, how to speak, how to not appear as miserable as f**k , how to do normal things without appearing rude or strange, will I block the toilet or fart like a donkey. Will I sleep at all. To normal people all these fears are fantasy and thinking the worst. To me they have all come true many times over the years and stopped me believing in recovery.

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5 thoughts on “My God!…What have I done?

  1. It’s good to hear that your friend has invited you on holiday (and this is also evidence that you are a likeable person who is capable of making friends despite your belief in the opposite). I know this sort of thing is really difficult when you have SA, but I’m sure your friend will understand the way you’re feeling about the trip (if I remember correctly, you met her on an SA forum?) It might help to speak to your friend alone about your anxieties/ concerns before/ at the beginning of the trip. If she has SA as well, I’m sure she’ll empathise and want to help you feel comfortable and have an enjoyable time. If it all gets a bit too much at any point, and you feel that you need some alone time, perhaps you could simply mention to your friend that you’re feeling anxious, and politely excuse yourself go for a walk by yourself for an hour or two? I also struggle with trying to think of things to say to other people, as I don’t exactly have the most exciting/ eventful life, but I find that most people love to talk about themselves. If you feel able, you could always just ask them loads of questions about work, hobbies/ interests/ their favourite TV programmes/ films, favourite music, any other places that they have been on holiday, and so on. As long as you appear interested, most people are happy to chat away about themselves. Or you could simply talk about anything related to what you get up to on the holiday. I’m sorry if my advice isn’t that great or is in any way unwarranted; I just really want to try and help. I wish you the best of luck on your holiday. I hope it will be a positive experience overall.

  2. Thanks Gemma,
    Its sometime hard to remember that I did once have friends at school and then at work. I think its the isolation over the last few years and then depression which have made me far more paranoid and negative.In fact writing all these blog posts has made me forget that in the last few years at work I was the happiest I had ever been and got along with most of the people in my office. I know its still possible but sometimes think its too late. I have spoken to my friend about my fears and she does also have anxiety. In fact some of her family do as well and they know I have had problems so it may be OK. I think its the thought of being stuck in a place far away for several hours each night as I am sure I will be OK in the day if we are exploring places. In fact its the chance to take photographs of parts of the UK I have never been to before or am unlikely to go to again which has been the real incentive to go. I’ll try to be more positive until something bad happens or failing that get drunk every night! Thanks for your kind words.Hopefully I’ll return with a happy blog post( for a change!) and some pictures.

  3. My young daughter is painfully shy and dreads every new thing that involves people – so I understand the misery this option has put you in. I am learning to accept her fears as real and to try not to belittle her by reasoning with her.

    When we become adults it’s an awful shock to realise that these feelings have followed us, isn’t it? As kids, we always imagine adult life as being one of confidence and peace, but the reality can be so different.

    I wish you joy in your heart whatever decision you make and that you can congratulate yourself for making that one small step forward.

    I am sure many people won’t understand what you are going through mentally, but be assured there are thousands of people with similar struggles and you’re all doing well by sharing your feelings.

    If you change your mind, you haven’t failed. You are you and you are doing your best. I hope that encourages you a little. x

  4. Thanks Sharon, I did eventually go and then stayed for another week with my friend at her flat to recover. It was nice at times and I am glad I went although I did get very anxious when I got there and later in the week. Although its a big step from almost total isolation for months I was still disappointed that I did not do better but then it was probably too much to expect no problems at all. I will no doubt blog about it in more detail later.

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