And you may say to yourself yourself
My God!…What have I done?!
Oh dear, I may have agreed to do something stupid. My one and only friend had asked me to go on holiday with her and her family members for a week to a holiday cottage. Its only in the UK but a few hours drive away and somewhere I would like to go. Now almost all social anxiety advice will advocate go, go go! what have you got to lose? well my life maybe as if it goes badly then I will come home and feel suicidal again , the depression will get worse, I will drink heavily and punch myself in the head,etc,etc.
You see being forced to socialise and mix with 4 strangers when my irritation, depression and moods have been so low for so long is an enormous gamble. I have already looked for an escape route via a train but as its in the UK and our trains are extortionate its £156 one way back. I leave tomorrow to see her and leave for the place on Saturday and feel quite sick. In fact I pretty much feel like the picture of beaker above at the moment,dont panic! If this goes badly it may be the last thing like this I ever do. I have already imagined every scenario and see problems the whole time that most socially anxious people would. What to speak about when I do mostly nothing, how to speak, how to not appear as miserable as f**k , how to do normal things without appearing rude or strange, will I block the toilet or fart like a donkey. Will I sleep at all. To normal people all these fears are fantasy and thinking the worst. To me they have all come true many times over the years and stopped me believing in recovery.