Back to Earth

My holiday finished three weeks ago now. It went mostly OK I suppose. At least I tried and it broke up the monotony of everyday life. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do with anxiety, keep trying new stuff, exposure therapy, feel the fear and maybe F**k up anyway. I never really felt that comfortable and after day one felt so awkward as to want to leave but it subsided. As mentioned in my previous post I still had bad moments later on mainly due to chronic nerves coming from my subconscious and my speaking ability being quite poor. In fact thinking of something to say is just a minor part of my social anxiety madness. Being able to make my thoughts known in coherent sentences when my mind conspires with my jaw,mouth and voice box to often produce some kind of noises only vaguely recognisable as the English language is still a major problem.

Never mind I suppose this is how the advice advocates recovery. Keep trying stuff, doing stuff until you get used to it and climbing that anxiety mountain. Of course the only problem is that I go back to near isolation at home again for weeks on end and as expected after a few days the anxiety and feelings of depression resume. On the odd good days I dont think about suicide. On the bad days I punch myself in the head and drink heavily.  At least my sleep has been somewhat better although I still have to push wax plugs in my ears and have a workman’s ear protector over one or both ears and which are held on by tying an old sweatshirt around my head. Yes, more madness. I still might go and see the doctor again about my suspected diabetes. if I go and he’s not related to Adolf Hitler like my previous one I may even one day have the courage to mention my lifelong anxiety problems.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Back to Earth

  1. Those dome structures are amazing, are they greenhouses?

    I can’t imagine how hard it is to be isolated with limited emotional support. I guess instead of giving advice, maybe it’s makes more sense to be there as a friend instead. Are you open to the idea of having a pen pal? I’m a fan of cameras(Mainly film)and photography too, can I maybe send you some photo postcards?

    • The greenhouses are built in the Eden project in Cornwall. Its an old quarry they have changed into gardens and plant collections from across the globe.

      Thanks for the offer PoT but I’d rather communicate with people online at the moment. I like photography and remember it well back in the days of film. I prefer digital though.

      • That’s a place that I would love to visit one day, looks like something out of a Sci-fi movie. I appreciate digital too but film cameras have a certain charm to me, mainly because of the design of the cameras and the different available formats to play with.

      • Yes, they’ll probably make a comeback like vinyl records one day.I think I would have liked to have had my own darkroom and been able to develop prints myself.My job was at large photographic company so I got to handle lots of stuff.

  2. I wish I had experience working in a photography company, but I’m in a different field. There was a Rolleiflex company in my country many years ago, and I know some people who made lenses there and have always been curious about the process. I took a darkroom class back in school and they taught us to make a pinhole camera out of a shoe box. It was really interesting.

    • For much of my time there I did nothing particular interesting as I was far too SA to progress or move departments and may as well been working in a supermarket warehouse. It was far better in the last few years when I got to test the cameras and have a look at the equipment.

      • It was the same for me too, I still wish to come into one environment and actually be able to breathe like an average person. I work in a small company with less than 15 people, that helps a bit. I can’t imagine what will happen if I work in a big place like yours. In fact, I’ve never worked in a big company before, except in one internship when I never left my department other than to hide away for lunch alone. In that internship, it was the last two months that I had felt better. Even though the rest of the interns hated me, I got used to it because of the forced daily exposures to the environment. Photography and some other hobbies are great distractions. I find that racing thoughts are usually curbed by listening to podcasts. My personal favourites are This American Life and Moth.org. Maybe you can give it try, even if it doesn’t work, there are still many interesting stories to listen to. Another thing is online games like MMORPGs, the beautiful environments and the ability to explore worlds without anxiety has been very good for me.

      • Thanks, I’ll have a look at those later.I have also started watching youtube videos far more. Not only are there many on relaxation and anxiety but I like to watch some on walks in the UK and travel abroad to imagine being in other places and some that I would like to visit but probably now wont.

  3. I watch a lot of movies while hiding at home during weekends when I couldn’t deal with being outdoors, so I can relate to imagining being overseas without anxiety. I would love to visit UK one day too, let’s take it slow i guess.

  4. My depression has got worse, I have little optimism left. I was thinking of drinking much more this morning as cutting back or eating healthy does not in any way make my brain work better or me behave more normal.Its juts reactivates my anxiety and I realise how hopeless my future is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s