If…

There’s always this this thought,this compulsion in my head, on good days at least, to make the first move,  to initialise things, to just try and connect for once and talk to someone I like, the what ifs, maybe its all my own fault for not doing enough………….

And yet at the same time reality has shown me that the people I liked, that I wanted to know better, looked at me as a nuisance, an inconvenience, not worthy of reply, of even being answered politely.  They thus humiliated me and made me feel as if they are way out of my league or I am just weird. Like I am stupid for even trying. This happened at work, it happens still on the internet. This is the reality of human behaviour. If there is something wrong with you, even if you still have a curious soul, a sense of wonder or have kindness and humour and just want to feel love or make friends. If there is something wrong with you, especially in a social ineptitude type of way, or you are sad, they, as in the vast majority of other humans dont want to know you and they ignore you. This keeps you in your place and stops you from ever succeeding so stop pretending  that its just paranoia. Evolution prevails.

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Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up!

14 thoughts on “If…”

    1. WordPress is a great site for those suffering with mental health issues because I have read hundreds of compassionate comments on many depressed blogger’s blogs.

      I don’t think I’ve read even one insenstive comment on here.

      People of all ages, abilities, faiths, experiences etc, are really supportive on here.

      There was a guy who suffered from severe depression, PTSD, agoraphobia, bipolar – the lot – and he has over 10,000 followers. One day he confessed that despite being in his 50’s, he wet his bed. He’s had a particularly traumatic week.

      No-one mocked, or critised. Everyone was supportive and compassionate and encouraged him that it didn’t matter.

      I hope you too begin to feel support and encouragement from fellow bloggers, no matter who they are.

      1. Thanks for your comment, I like to write all my inner thoughts down as its sort of like a therapy for me. I find it very hard to communicate in real life or online and often like to hibernate. I often think of disabling all comments as I have had negative replies in the past and even the odd one makes me feel down.If this person had 10000 followers i would guess he is a very good online blogger and communicates well online. He probably is very empathetic and compassionate to others as well as that’s how we bond even online. Again something I am useless at when feeling depressed. I dont know. I was on the point of deleting the whole blog last week. I did it once in the past already. I may still and open a new one somewhere else.

      2. Oh no! Please don’t delete it! My daughter is extremely shy to the point that I think she’s got Avoidant Personality Disorder but I’ve been telling her about your blog as I think it will help her greatly. Just reading that someone else is feeling the way you do is such a wonderful encouragement for others. Stay anonymous so that if you say anything that later makes you cringe, at least nobody knows who you are. That’s what this other guy does. But his therapy has come to an end and he’s been quiet for more than 6 months. I’m concerned for him because his follower support kept him going. Don’t give up!

      3. Thanks, but there is such pressure to be optimistic once you start to communicate with others and not show inner feelings in case it brings others down. As I have said before this is not a recovery blog as the title itself is hardly optimistic but is often how I feel. That other guy sounds completely different to me as I never make friends online, apart from once on an anxiety forum. In fact that forum is the only place I regularly post and yet most of the people on there feel like the enemy to me now. It often makes me feel worse as there is no support unless you meet certain criteria. To get support you have to stop being yourself as you are often told to do and start acting like others want you to act so they will accept you.

      4. i know what you mean. Friendships – even superficial online ones can be very fragile. It takes just one wrong sentence and a misunderstanding for people to start on at you. But it is their choice to read or not read your blogs. You have plenty people who are happy to read your blogs because they know they can take it or leave it. Believe me, your articles are no where near as melancholy as quite a few others I have read and I like them all.

        But it must be hard when you feel people are not accepting what you are saying. Type in ‘Loneliness’ into the tags section on the Reader page and you will see there are a myriad of folk who are struggling with life like you.

        It’s up to you whether you continue writing or not, but I know that if you stop, I for one will really miss them.

      5. Thanks,
        I actually usually only get 5 or 6 views a day and often less. I sometimes like it that way though as if it was seen more I would almost certainly get some aggressive replies or even trolls looking to annoy or ridicule me like there are on facebook and youtube.

  1. I think faulty people as in those with mental health problems are seen as unworthy by the majority of normal people. People mostly avoid them. I still think this is nothing more than evolution eliminating weakness.Humans are just as judgemental as many animals, if not more so.

  2. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Continuous rejections do make it seem like people all tend to act in the same manner. I have banged my head against the wall countless times in trying to “get” the right way to respond in a social setting. I had found it so hard to go to work to the point of almost quitting, so many times. Yet if you don’t break the pattern of behaviour, you stay stuck. I learned that being more open about my anxiety has helped people to accept my condition and even went out of their way to be kind. This is a very personal decision, because the draw-back is that I have to live with the stigma. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you don’t try something different, nothing will change.

  3. Yes, I realised that long ago. That’s when I started to feel suicidal as I saw no hope of changing. Also I still feel that when I try something and still act anxious people dislike me so I get worse. I dont learn or get better next time. if it means I have to do 1000 things and feel terrible anxiety every time in order to change and get better then I would rather die. Non existence to me is much better than continuous pain and anxiety.

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