So I went out to an event on Saturday evening. No, don’t get excited, it was nothing social. It was one of those drumming and pyrotechnic displays which look very good in the dark and have become quite popular in city festivals in recent years. It was staged on a city centre park so was not far away and thankfully meant no public transport. I don’t think I would have gone if it was not for the photography aspect and love of trying to capture pictures. I quite enjoyed it and doing such things does lift or at least change the mood somewhat although being totally alone among crowds of people almost all with friends and family can still unsettle me. It always does. The paranoid weird loner syndrome. I have never gotten used to it after going to such things for over 10 years. When I have been to similar events with a friend I have felt much more relaxed and at ease even though to most strangers they would never know the difference.
Coming home is of equal interest to me, especially after 10PM on a Saturday night which would probably be quite early for many. You see large groups of youngish and even middle aged people hanging around pubs and bars and dressed up especially for the occasion. Young women all going out in their finest clothes in groups for support. Lots of young men, many already drunk and making idiots of themselves. Their Saturday night out. They have most probably been doing this since leaving school and it’s perfectly normal. They think everyone does it. Yet to me its as alien as going to live in Mongolia in a yurt while farming yaks. I’ve never been out on a Saturday night, tried to chat girls up, been dancing or been to such places. It has never appealed to me but I never really made friend to go out to such places with anyway and only sad losers turn up alone. It really is as unknown to me as it would be to an Amazonian warrior coming to live here. Part of me is jealous as to the things I missed out on due to this such as a wife/ partner and family but I think I would have rather gotten them another way rather than the typical drunken Saturday night way. I imagine if I had not quit college and been somewhat normal I would have made friends at university and gone to places and shared my time with them. Perhaps if I had then I would have enjoyed Saturday nights out and seen then as normal myself. It doesn’t matter in the end though. I can think of “What if? “moments for years to no avail. Anxiety crushed every aspect of normal life and left me with just hopes and dreams which gradually become more unrealistic with age.