Toxic Shame

People shame others for being a virgin past a certain age as if its akin to some crime, they shame you if you are single for too long,if you are unemployed for too long or even if you are in a crappy job for too long.  The way you look and dress obviously and also the things you say. Yet many of these and other things are often due to mental or physical problems. So in effect its often ridiculing people for some kind of disability. Yet while many prejudices are now frowned upon you still get hosts of TV shows openly making jokes about the above and getting laughter from the audience. One I have seen a few times is if a male(always a male)has some kind of particular or weird hobby and interest he is asked sneeringly “Do you have a girlfriend? ” the insinuation being that he is too strange to get a mate and is thus open to ridicule.

I think this and many other types of ridiculing still take place quite openly in society without any thought. So if you have things wrong with you then you often dont go to events and meet people due to this fear of ridicule. Of course you are avoidant as you fear yet more ridicule and more shame. I have spoken before that I had a very low sex drive and did not even ejaculate until I was 27 so of course I was confused and not chasing women or going out with people my own age. That’s even without the crippling shyness. Even now when I think about a walking or photography meet up(I have given up on anxiety meets ups as the people on the forums have put me off!)I am fearful of having to explain my long term unemployment as I know a good proportion of people think its just laziness(yes, laziness, I used to walk over 40 miles per week!) or making excuses and my paranoia goes into overdrive. Explaining being single and always being single is hard. Some people may be understanding but in a group situation many aren’t and the occasional comment would make it unbearable.

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Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up!

5 thoughts on “Toxic Shame”

  1. I completely agree with this post. There’s certain things in society that is expected to have happened by a certain age. I just don’t agree, everybody is different and live different lives. We shouldn’t be pressured by society to meet certain life goals at a certain age. I’m following your blog as I am sure I will be able to relate to more of what you post.

  2. Here is something that helps me:

    https://www.wisdomandwonder.com/article/10238/brene-brown-3-things-you-can-do-to-stop-a-shame-spiral

    Mainly it’s the self-talk that matters. I’m learning to stop shame from lingering in my head. I used to get hung up over some things that happened long ago, but now I get over shame a lot faster than before. These days I think to myself: “It’s gonna take a lot more than that for you to shame me.”

    Some hilarious articles that I keep referring back to during times of anxiety:

    http://www.inoveryourhead.net/2011/04/25/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/

    https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

  3. Thanks, although I have to say learning to love myself has never been especially easy or even understandable. It sounds akin to delusional brainwashing or religion. Not giving a fuck may work better.It seems to work for many successful people.

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