Of all the regrets I have because of social anxiety the biggest is that of being alone. Finding someone is the reason for life. I know sex can be wonderful if people are in the right relationship and all some people want but I yearn most for companionship. Someone to walk up with, to be beside at night. To share all of life with and to know completely. A love to grow old together with shared memories, good ones and also some bad. To have total loyalty to them and know you will get it back unconditionally. To cuddle, to hold, to cry with someone and grow old with them. To laugh and joke and just be silly with. That so many people have had at least some degree of this if not always the love of their lives and I have always had nothing entirely due to chance and a freak upbringing and the resulting anxiety is an ache to me that is so great it’s impossible to put into words. It brings such fury I could kill and yet also such sadness I have often wanted to end everything.
I saw a young couple when I was out last night doing my usual lone photography thing as an excuse to leave the house. There was nothing special about them, they made small talk and seemed to be on a date. All I could think of was how did this happen to me. How on earth could I have been so freakish that it never even happened once, not one date, barely a conversation with an attractive female and certainly no flirting or kissing or anything else? Years go by so quick. Pretty soon its too late. They often say it never is, they lie. With age the chances of success in almost anything diminish massively.Yet almost everyone just sort of does it instinctively and yes I know it’s so easy to imagine everyone finds it effortless when they don’t but they still all do it, go out every weekend, dating, being normal, and having relationships. No matter what they look like or how they behave it seems. Look at how many young men are complete idiots and not really nice and yet it doesn’t seem to matter. How? I might as well of been brought up in a small village where I never came across strangers at all. Yet I worked at a large company in a large city for 20 years and yet barely had a pleasant conversation with any female ever. I know there may be other things at play like human behaviour such as men being expected to initiate talk with females most of the time and women barely ever speak first to a man so shy men are much more likely to stay alone and also the thing of quiet men being seen as weird and creepy then avoided but it’s still hard to believe or accept when so many arseholes I worked with are now on Facebook with families.