Down

 

I just watched a video by someone with SA who goes around asking strangers questions, not just normal directions or what time is it but things like can you tell me the way to the moon? Have you seen my cat and then he takes out a silly drawing. It sounds weird but I suppose its a stage beyond normal talk and may be of help in breaking down barriers, making people laugh and putting yourself in awkward situations in order to get used to them. I think its very brave actually especially as his accent is eastern European and not as easily understood. You would have to be careful what type of people you choose to talk to though as some may be violent.

The problem is I am not even at any stage near that which is why I think depression is overriding all other emotions. I think after 10 years of near isolation and very little talk with strangers even the simple things are difficult and becoming worse. I have difficulty even speaking to supermarket staff and am sure I come across as a miserable bastard. I know I find it hard to impossible to smile, make eye contact, keep a normal looking face. I still have trouble actually speaking in that my voice becomes weak and I physically find it hard to get words out sometimes even when I force myself.

But above all I feel so incredibly unhappy, irritable and hopeless that I dont have the slightest motivation to try new things and cant stop thinking its too late now. Every single thing I read on self help sites looks absolutely useless to me. They all assume so much which is not possible. I have very little fight left and am more tired and bored each day. The pull of eternity seems more and more appealing as time passes. I did think once there may be a way but all possible solutions turn out to be dead ends or lies.

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Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up!

6 thoughts on “Down”

  1. If you find yourself feeling bored and unmotivated, maybe you can try listening to podcasts to bring your mind to another place and time. It’s a healthy form of distraction that takes very little effort to start, much like baby steps. Please hang in there, there ARE ways to get better and I know that you can recover. I hope that one day you can get an appointment with a psychologist, be it from non-profit organisations or recommendations from your GP. The hardest, most confusing part is to start. I believe that once you do, it will move forward into a new territory.

    1. I have just seen another TV program talking about male depression and claiming there is lots of help out there. It entirely depends I think on the doctor I see. If I get one who is completely dismissive of mental health and does not even talk about therapy as an option its probably the end. Rather than being negative I think its a distinct probability as lots of people on the various anxiety forums I use have had very bad doctors.

      1. Very true, I went through two terrible psychiatrists and one average psychologist before finding my current therapist. I found them all through google, there simply aren’t any good recommendations. I went to a general doctor first and she referred me to one of the horrible psychiatrists, so I decided I had to find a good one myself. Have you tried looking up any therapists online? I don’t think you come off as being negative. I find that your personal experiences made you jaded, so if you were to have 1-2 good experiences with therapy, it could be a very good start

      2. I dont know how much it would cost yet but imagine it being quite expensive. I dont have any income, just a set amount of money which is going down each week so cant afford enormous amounts which might be wasted if I have to change regularly.

        My only online friend also had a terrible therapist. All I hear on the anxiety forum is how bad many of them are. I cant possibly imagine going from one to the other unless highly motivated and enthusiastic. If I got a bad one straight away I think it would make me give up entirely.

  2. It isn’t as bleak and hopeless as it may seem, because there really are a lot of help out there. You probably have very limited access to them because of your situation, but do keep an eye out on what you can find locally, no matter which age group you’re in, there is still hope and time for recovery.

    1. Again, every time I have looked at the possibilities online I have found absolutely no help at all. Perhaps people think these online forums or facebook pages for anxiety are help. In which case they have always made me feel far worse.The only choice I can see is going to my GP and if I dont get help from him then there is nothing else.

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