I will do what I can do

Hold on, you have gambled with your life
And you face the night alone
While the builders of the cages
Sleep with bullets, bars and stone
They do not see the road to freedom
That you build with flesh and bone

Though you may disappear, you’re not forgotten here
And I will say to you, I will do what I can do
You may disappear, you’re not forgotten here
And I will say you you, I will do what I can do
And I will do what I can do
I will do what I can do


Last week I was feeling better for a change after my walk and thinking of finally going to the doctors as I had been far more depressed and feeling hopeless for months before that. However its important I dont get too excited or hopeful even if I do manage to go. Despite the idea that some people think this is the first step to complete recovery the many, many comments on the UK anxiety forums say otherwise.

NHS mental health therapists from my only personal experience twice are so useless I wish they would just not exist as they are practically non-functioning anyway.

Never offered anything like CBT and there was not group therapy available anywhere

My GP suggested it(private councelling) to me because the NHS waiting times were horrendous, I’ve now resigned myself to the fact that the NHS is hopeless where mental health in concerned.

In my experience counselling doesn’t exist on the nhs any more its too costly, so they divert you away or offer a small amount of cbt which I have no faith in and is no substitute.

There are of course many more comments like this.These are people who have been to the doctor for help and it hasn’t helped them at all.It may not be the same for everyone but its highly likely that in my very crowded and under funded area that the help will be poor and even if I do get any therapy it will in no way brainwash me enough to give me the confidence to find work which is the only thing that can stop me becoming homeless.  And of course I am probably far more ingrained in negative avoidant thinking as I am far older than most of them. Perhaps I am too old to even qualify for therapy. I also think having work is of vital importance in the first place to help conquering mental illness. As long as you are in a job you can at least survive as you can pay the bills. If you are long term unemployed and not even entitled to any benefits like me then the chances of recovery are smaller because the chances of getting a job are much harder especially at my age. I think I have to start to make suicide plans now as I appear to have been correct all along and despite other people trying to help me by pretending to be optimistic which is really the same as lying there really appears to be very little chance of a way out or recovery.

Its still bizarre to me that there are still so many people claiming that there is loads of help out there. I wonder if they have been brainwashed by their therapy to become optimistic because its make them more positive and feel better. Its obviously a complete lie. Its hard not to be angry for offering such false hope. In fact looking online far more seriously for help or a way out over the last few months has almost resigned me to the fact that the chance of actually getting anyone or anything to change me is so low its almost a complete joke. Rather than me giving up on myself its more accurate that society as a whole gives up on you first. I talk about evolution and survival of the fittest as it still applies to humans and this is an obvious example.



  1. Minimizing:Make sure you’re giving yourself credit for your accomplishments, however small they may seem. The only way to change behaviours is step-by-step. If you have difficulty recognizing all you have done, make a list of your accomplishments/progress. Refer to this whenever you start focusing exclusively on how far you have left to go.

Again all this advice seems so totally ridiculous as to be almost farcical. I go on the odd day out. Apart from that I do absolutely nothing and accomplish nothing. My life is one long failure. Yet more hypocrisy. People on the anxiety forums criticise you for not doing enough and with the famous phrase feel the fear and do it anyway and then next thing you are supposed to congratulate yourself for shopping at Tesco. All I do is shop and housework. What the F**k do I congratulate myself for? Having a particularly nice poo? I have also gotten much worse in the last few years. Looking at how far I have to go and how hard it would be makes me immediately depressed and think about suicide again.I would love to know if a therapist would give up on me when they find out how negative I am. A depressed person on the verge of suicide being negative? How surprising! Its pretty obvious to me that I would need help for depression first as almost all things connected to anxiety are almost impossible while feeling this alone and desperate.


  1. Inactivity: A vicious cycle can develop in which you feel depressed, and then become less active (you don’t feel like doing anything). The less active you are, the more depressed you feel. If you’re having difficulty breaking out of this cycle, write out a daily schedule by the hour or even half-hour of what you will do when, and then stick to it. This will seem very difficult at first, but it’s enormously useful. Schedule a few walks around the neighbourhood or a nearby park. Exercise is a great depression buster.  

This is very true and has definitely happened to me over the last few years. I sometimes feel very much better if I have a good day out as I did towards the end of last week. However writing out a daily schedule is not evens something I have any concept of doing. Do I invent things to do just to keep busy,like polishing shelves at 2.30, cleaning the microwave at 2.45? As I dont work there are lots of hours to fill. When depressed even watching the TV or listening to music has very little benefit. Walking around my neighbourhood often increases stress and anxiety as its a shit neighbourhood and shit city. I should know as I have been waking around it for years. Demanding it helps just because it obviously does for some people does not help me. The idea that walking along busy streets is a depression buster is completely crap and no more enjoyable that shopping at the supermarket. This is probably worse after I got punched in the face once for walking funny.

Some Moments of Pleasure

After the bad week before when I felt as low as I had done for ages and had even started to delete files off of my computer in case the end was coming closer this week ended slightly better. I can see how occupying the mind with something constructive and enjoyable can alter the feelings of hopelessness and negativity even when feeling at the time that its impossible. The problem is doing that every day of course and also when totally alone.

I forced myself to go to the local country park on Friday afternoon. It was harder than normal and shows how avoidance has actually increased my anxiety at doing anything and made me feel far worse. Once there I sat on a bench and thought for a while and then this wonderful stag came into view. It will soon be autumn which is my favourite time of year.

29789733892_2bf19ae918_cI let my head clear and actually felt better for the first time that week. Its also good to get back later in the evening when its getting dark and feel tired. Of course as luck would have it when I got home I then read something online which upset me and even had me waking up in the night. Even so I tried to ignore it and the next day went to a festival in a nearby city which I have been to for the last 4 years. There were lots of street performers and I enjoy the photography aspect and the large crowds are in this case good to hide among.

This time I had to get a train which also produced more stress than normal but at least its only 30 minutes to get there. The biggest problem as said before is finding ways to cope on a daily basis each week. As I dont drive I can only really go somewhere further about once a week so day to day walks are quite boring in a city and most other activities often dont work at all to improve my mood. I think much of my anxiety comes from time and clock watching like having insomnia and always waiting for something else to do which only makes it worse. My best dreams have been quite timeless and created on occasion such moments of peace and bliss that I wish I could be there always.

Self Blame

  1. Self-Blame: You may blame yourself for having this problem. It’s important to remember that no one chooses to have social anxiety disorder any more than one chooses to have diabetes, for example. Both are very real problems, deserving of careful attention and treatment. Beating up on yourself serves no useful purpose; it only keeps you stuck. Instead, try self-acceptance and self-compassion.

This is interesting but surely everyone else blames us and that’s why we feel so much guilt and shame in the first place. We are blamed for not chasing girls from teenage years(for males) and not going out enough. For being cowardly, unemployed or lazy. We are blamed for being rude or not speaking enough, for not saying the right things or as I have seen on this site for not embracing other peoples ideas or for for having negativity even when feeling suicidal.I find so much hypocrisy when dealing with mental health as they blame you for not doing things right and then come up with things like self compassion and acceptance the next. Its similar to that favourite old phrase of just be yourself when in reality you often have to change your behaviour to become acceptable to others and fit in with them, not the other way round. I dont choose to be irritable and depressed either but people still treat you badly if you act this way as if they think its deliberate.


  1. Avoidance:If you avoid a wide variety of social situations, your life becomes more and more restrictive, and depression can follow. Most likely, as you begin to address your social fears and become more comfortable in social situations, your depression will lift. Make sure you include some fun things in your life that don’t elicit anxiety. Drawing, reading, listening to music you like.

Very true again but its very hard to start from nowhere and when almost in the gutter and with virtually no support whatsoever. I am also a social misfit. Where to go and what to do. Will mixing with depressed people make me feel even more depressed or will I depress them as I obviously do with people online. Being SA means any group situation and I am less likely to feel comfortable and talk which often doesn’t get better with time unless conquered at the start. Mind you the main thing this avoidance has really cost me is work as I virtually never went to any social situation anyway. I still think that most of the advice for socialising is for moderate shyness and anxiety and not people who are chronically anxious or depressed as mixing when feeling terrible just reaffirms feelings of negativity and failure. This happened again and again and is totally ignored by self help advice. Something so many people seem to have absolutely no comprehension of. I am also not warm and friendly and all social etiquette demands we are. My massively increased anxiety means I get extremely irritable even when shopping and want to push people out of the way all the time. Everything irritates me at the moment and I have no way of relaxing as nothing I have tried works for very long.

Why do social anxiety and depression often go together? (Part 1)

  1. Too little people contact. Everyone needs a certain amount of social interaction to feel happy and content (even introverts). If you don’t get enough people contact, it’s natural to feel sad, lonely, and even depressed. Even if you’re anxious around certain people, hopefully there are at least a few people with whom you feel comfortable. Make sure you rely on them for support.

And if there aren’t? What then? the double whammy of social anxiety and depression often means no of course. I only have one friend who has anxiety themself and who lives in another city. One email now and then does not help that much to be honest. As mentioned a million times before trying to connect with other people online has proved quite disastrous and only increases feeling of being not good enough and hated as almost all people are mind numbingly judgemental and ignore me. This idea its all paranoia or all in our head is complete crap. Its happens. Depressed and anxious people are terrible at making banter even online so people dont want to know them especially when they find out they are long term unemployed. Humour is so important in making friends and getting a relationship and with depression its almost impossible to tell jokes when you are desperate inside. Age is another factor and despite many people over 40 still have anxiety the internet seems to be youth obsessed with anxiety forums having special sections for the over 30’s as if you are ancient.