Oh it’s not easy
No it’s not easy
Making real friends
On The Air – Peter Gabriel
Or any friends at all if you have mental health problems or anxiety. I knew someone at work once who obviously had some mental health issues, maybe even aspersers looking back at it. People didn’t like him as he was often aggressive, said inappropriate things and was rude. He once threw some coins across the works canteen in a rage as he was losing a game of pool and just walked out. I now think a lot of his anger was simply down to frustration and not fitting in, not knowing what to do or say to be like other people. He was still used by others though. A young couple simply pretended to be friends with him so they could use his house to make out in and obviously had no interest in him as a friend at all. He was so desperately lonely that he let them. Another guy said he was doing some gardening once and he just tuned up at the gate and started talking to him and wouldn’t go away. He must have been just been lonely and trying to be friendly but he was still ridiculed by this other guy for being strange. Even I played snooker a couple of times with him as he lived nearby but never really became friends and I have not seen him in years now. I noticed though how he even started drinking; smoking and liking football in his final years at work just to fit in with the other blokes but most of them pretty much shunned him still.
And yet I sort of feel like him, like I was always a social misfit and never fitted in.That I was ridiculed and disliked for not being normal. When I used to sometimes try things and speak to people I was also shunned so it made me even more avoidant. I probably came across as rude too as shy people often are. Maybe even more so with the females at work as I noticed they often tended to expect the male to always speak first and seemed quite critical of him when he didn’t. Sweeping generalisation or the hard truth and that men and women do not behave exactly the same just like almost every species of animal doesn’t although with animals we have no trouble accepting it. its so easy for people to create a delusional alternative view if the truth is inconvenient or does not fit with what they want to believe.
Its also very embarrassing to be seen as desperate even though so many people with mental health problems are. Desperately sad and desperately lonely, yet we mustn’t admit it or people will ridicule and ignore us even more. Again the hard truth. People evolved to be picky and judgemental. We avoid faulty people.Survival of the fittest.Most people are not sympathetic or forgiving. Even using online forums and support groups has proved futile and usually makes me feel even worse. Keep trying never works as once people have judged you as not good enough or that you are not the same as them they don’t want to know you and ignore you like you dont exist so you are ignored even more. With so much failure over so many years it always surprises me that people are surprised that I am so negative and dont try any more. Its like being told to do the lottery. if you do it every week for a million years you might one day get lucky.
Last week was worse than normal and I had to fight to not self harm and drink heavily. I did go out on a couple of photography trips but the next day I am left feeling just as bad again. Everything is only a temporary reprieve. The urge to not be here is so strong its getting harder to fight each day. None of my thoughts are irrational either. Depression is a quite normal reaction to such failure and a terrible future of struggle and shame. If I go on the way I am I will become homeless so death becomes the sensible choice, not irrational at all. Death by shyness still fits.