You know when you felt terrible when you were ill. Your head hurts and you are irritable with all other people and almost in mental pain. Just like having a bad hangover after drinking too much the night before or you have had a virus. You cant think of anything intelligent to say and what you do say seems nonsense or is such a struggle to get out that you dont even want to try. You want to hide away from it all.Well that’s sort of what having anxiety and depression is like every single day, to me anyway. Along with the added suicidal thoughts of course. Watching TV,listening to music, walking, shopping. Whatever you do to alleviate these feelings only has a fleeting beneficial effect and before long you are back at square one again.
You are desperately lonely but if you do try and contact people online as you dont know any people in real life at all you always get the feeling that they think you are a nuisance and just wish you would F**k off. People tell you its paranoia but deep down you know its not.You know a negative attitude is never taken well and so you pretend to make jokes or interesting comments but as you have never formed a social network then you may as well be talking to yourself in the toilet again. They say be yourself but they really mean like everything that I like and hate everything that I hate. People lie all the time.Then you give up. Then they blame you for not trying hard enough. Check mate.