The private life of a male zombie

walker

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

I still find it strange to be so different to other people. I sometimes feels like an outsider watching through a window.For instance never having had a relationship at my age is so rare and despite the fact its me who’s suffered and also because of mental health problems too, I am still open to ridicule from society at whole as if I have actually done something wrong or should be ashamed. I suppose this idea goes back to primitive societies as we needed to have as many babies as possible so we did not die out hence all the ancient fertility rituals.Its not as if I have severe learning difficulties or some other life altering condition. Its simply an emotion which has gone out of control and changed the course of my entire life, the emotion being of course anxiety. I was in the top 10-20% of my school and like science, nature and am fascinated with evolution and cosmology and watch any documentary I see on such subjects.

Yet some girls at work treated me as if I was I dont know how to describe it, sub human. Some girls who were not even very attractive to me and certainly not intelligent.(remember I was working in a warehouse!) Its like the part of the brain responsible for attraction found my mental health condition to be so unappealing that they rejected me off hand. That one girl who graded every male in the department out of 10 but I was not even fit to be graded!  I now imagine myself like some sort of Quasimodo figure swinging from the warehouse shelving mumbling! And people wonder why those like me have such low self esteem and no confidence! I think this is a perfect example of evolution at work. Confidence in a male is also a big turn on for many women and of course the very shy man appears weak and almost pathetic.  When he does try he is often described as weird and creepy. Do people pretend that this doesn’t happen because they are delusional? The shame of trying to talk to girls and appearing this way was totally indescribable in its shame and embarrassment of course once again makes a mockery of the shit advice of feel the fear and do it anyway as you only get confident at it if you experience some success.This idea that its all in your head and people dont even notice your nerves is absolute f**king lying bollocks.

Many people would have sympathy for a badly physically disfigured person but would probably not want to date them if meeting for the first time. That’s life, it is cruel. Maybe they would when they got to know their personalty which means that they probably have a better chance of having a relationship than someone chronically shy.With severe social anxiety you are equally as unattractive once people become aware of your behaviour but receive no sympathy as people assume its your normal character and personality when its in reality the anxiety making you appear almost mute and miserable. As one girl put it like working with a zombie.

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