Beginning of the end?

As far as I can tell a lot of CBT therapy for depression is about assuming people are over-reacting, catastrophizing or being irrational. The problem is I am not. What’s the worst that can happen? I can and will end up homeless without a miracle so once again suicide looks like an extremely sensible option. As my anxiety was high and I felt ashamed when I was made redundant after 20 years in the same job I did not claim any benefit  so I have not paid national insurance in many years. This means that not only I am not entitled to any future benefit but also I will not even get the full state pension if I ever reach retirement age.

Looking for work. First I cannot do stand up manual work as I even had to change departments in my last job as my legs were aching too much so most menial jobs are a no go. Help? I went to the doctors many times and the only thing I got was a prescription for 500 paracetamol tablets. Next after so many years unemployed with no official reason the vast majority of employers would not even bother to interview me. I have no real skills and I am a nervous and depressed wreck. I have this idea that even if I could get help from a therapist and brainwashed to be more positive this would only mean I would have to apply for job after job and the obvious rejections and astonishment at my long term unemployment would only result in chronic shame and desperation again resulting in another breakdown.

And then we also have a right wing Tory government in power who have made it almost impossible to get any financial help without continuous assessments and anyone who can stand up for 5 seconds and answer their name being classified as fit for work. Their shaming tactics of cutting peoples benefit and making them beg at food banks is supposed to deter the lazy but of course also seriously harms people with mental health problems. When I started looking at all this last week and analysing it piece by piece as some CBT therapy recommended I became so down I started to punch myself in the head and drink heavily again. I think it would be just as credible to go and live in the wilderness and live off of road kill and berries.The future struggle to even  get enough money to stay alive looks so hopeless that I can see no possible escape route short of winning the national lottery or divine intervention from God. Perhaps I should visit the cathedral this afternoon. There is not much left.

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Author: klodo

I am male,English and have had social anxiety since I started school at 5 years of age. I like photography, walking, wildlife, history and moaning.........CONSTANTLY! Oh you must stop being so negative! Shut up!

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