After the bad week before when I felt as low as I had done for ages and had even started to delete files off of my computer in case the end was coming closer this week ended slightly better. I can see how occupying the mind with something constructive and enjoyable can alter the feelings of hopelessness and negativity even when feeling at the time that its impossible. The problem is doing that every day of course and also when totally alone.
I forced myself to go to the local country park on Friday afternoon. It was harder than normal and shows how avoidance has actually increased my anxiety at doing anything and made me feel far worse. Once there I sat on a bench and thought for a while and then this wonderful stag came into view. It will soon be autumn which is my favourite time of year.
I let my head clear and actually felt better for the first time that week. Its also good to get back later in the evening when its getting dark and feel tired. Of course as luck would have it when I got home I then read something online which upset me and even had me waking up in the night. Even so I tried to ignore it and the next day went to a festival in a nearby city which I have been to for the last 4 years. There were lots of street performers and I enjoy the photography aspect and the large crowds are in this case good to hide among.
This time I had to get a train which also produced more stress than normal but at least its only 30 minutes to get there. The biggest problem as said before is finding ways to cope on a daily basis each week. As I dont drive I can only really go somewhere further about once a week so day to day walks are quite boring in a city and most other activities often dont work at all to improve my mood. I think much of my anxiety comes from time and clock watching like having insomnia and always waiting for something else to do which only makes it worse. My best dreams have been quite timeless and created on occasion such moments of peace and bliss that I wish I could be there always.