The Coming of Autumn

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I could not find an appropriate poem about the beauty and yet sadness of autumn and the sense of loss but came across this quote instead.Maybe most of the rage I experience s directly related to never having loved.

“I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.”

Mary Shelley, Frankenstein


 

 

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Not all people are judgemental wankers, just quite a lot of them(probably).

When feeling down its hard to even reply to any blog, comment or indeed anything online as words dont seem to come into my brain and also dont make much sense. I feel like this most mornings even without a sleeping tablet or hangover so have tried to ban myself from using the internet until later in the day. However it dawned on me that it must be like this full time for people with more serious mentalness like major depression and anxiety so of course this is why its so much harder to get help of any kind. If you add social ineptitude into the mix you have the perfect storm for failure.

My obsession with TV dating shows on the basis of studying what those normals do and how they behave and also how the biggest twats I have ever known all got into relationships whereas I didn’t has led me to watching Channel 4’s Undateables from series 1 online. As mentioned in previous post its about people with mental and physical disabilities trying to find someone to love and often go on their very first date. Many of the people are absolutely lovely and you really feel for them and want them to find happiness.I dont think the show is exploitative at all as it genuinely seems to try and help and sympathise with them. I think it has also helped me in realising that not all people are so judgemental. Quite a few people are happy to date others with physical and mental health problems. When I go on walks on crowded city streets I am now far more conscious that many people are almost certainly nice and probably have huge problems of their own. This is better than seeing all humans as the enemy. I feel paranoid often but God knows how I would cope with Tourettes and shouting obscenities uncontrollably in front of people. They must be so brave to face their fears. I would probably never leave the house again.

Friday Morning Thoughts on Still Being Quite Mental

I expected to find that therapy would brainwash me and make me think in a completely different way so that I would be able to do things I previously thought impossible. In reality if what I have read on some anxiety forums and blogs if true is that its more about pushing you to face up to your fears and demanding it makes you better and then blaming you for not trying hard enough or being negative when you fail. Yes, I am negative,almost certainly depressed although entirely due to circumstances rather than by a chemical imbalance. So how to stop the negativity when almost all my fears have really come true, I am much older than the majority of people online so have far less time to change and so much optimistic talk and advice which is apparently supposed to give me hope appears to be so delusional and almost a fantasy devoid from reality. Something it may have in common with religion.

Take trying to make friends or indeed even online contacts.  This fails almost every time even on anxiety forums  so my depression, negativity and avoidance actually increases just like in real life. So just going to meets and trying to meet new people is pointless as is joining support forums and trying to make online contacts. So obviously I would need something to change my mindset, negativity and depression FIRST in order to not come across as miserable and socially inept as this repels people and makes me feel hated so I become more avoidance and more depressed. What’s laughable is when you try and fail people actually get angry at you for not doing things right as if they assume its only nerves and that under pressure you suddenly burst into witty banter. I have even seen this behaviour on the TV show the Undateables about people with autism, aspergers and other mental health problems and from their own family so its quite normal to ridicule anyone who acts different to what is expected. Does this mean almost everyone only sees the world from their own point of view and is ignorant of all others. Probably. I’m still confused and mental after all these years. I still cant really comprehend that this happened to me to be honest. I would have been happy with a quite normal boring life. Mind you I am forgetting about sex again so that was never going to happen.

More Late Night Babble

I am still looking at if its even worth the effort of trying to get therapy bearing in mind most NHS therapists appear to be appalling and that I also have to get rid of depression first so CBT for social anxiety is pointless as it assumes you must be optimistic and friendly to conquer your fears when depression makes you want to kill people.Well maybe just me. Some recent quotes from the social anxiety forum about therapy;

“I agree with you that the counselling process can be tough going. Thing is, many people go in with unrealistic expectations. Some expect to be supplied with answers and solutions that take their anxiety/issues away. When this doesn’t happen (because that’s not how it works) people can become disillusioned and say “it doesn’t work”.”

F**k me! I thought therapy that gave me solutions to take my anxiety issues away sounded perfectly reasonable! Perhaps it doesn’t work because the therapy is shit!

“In a way, some might go into therapy as yet another avoidance strategy. Thinking that “this will take away my problems”. But the reality is in therapy you actively have to recognise, understand and then work through the issues. There is no shortcut that avoids the discomfort of the hard work.”

And this bloke is an actual therapist.This just makes me feel like suicide is the best option again. I have no intention of sitting in coffee shops alone and asking strangers on the street the time to please the therapist.They claim it is helpful and yet at the same time seem to boast of how hard it is and that you must confront your fears. You see, when you are so depressed and down you think of death on an everyday basis so being told you have to do all this and basically that you are just a coward if you dont and deserve to suffer just reaffirms the survival of the fittest belief and that we are all just animals. Its way too much to cope with so I assume the depressed people with social anxiety don’t recover through CBT. Lots of evil bastards have great relationships, kids and wealth and they definitely dont deserve it so to belittle people as cowards for simply being shy and avoidant just shows the arbitrary nature of life and that happiness and success are often due to complete luck. Even if you are successful in relationships and very driven in your career the chances are its just the way you were brought up, not your great morals.

“What I found with counselling is that I suddenly realised that there was no more running away, I now had to face my problems & issues.I think if your SA & anxiety is avoidant in nature then it can come as a shock to realise that counselling is where the buck stops,. so to speak.I found counselling hard, only because I was always a very avoidant person, and up till then had coped with SA and anxiety by avoiding things.”

No the final buck is death. Therapy and obedience is the choice. I thought all people with social anxiety were avoidant in nature. I want to change yes, only enough to be able to get a job and even with extreme confidence that is unlikely at my age with many many years of unemployment, no CV, no references and the inability to do manual work due to joint pain, a normal relationship is beyond me now especially as I find all people my age quite repulsive and have sexual intimacy issues anyway. And of course being in a job which is awful and stressful just to be able to pay the bills and stop me being homeless is no better than death.There is no help through therapy unless your mindset is positive to begin with. Surely this means I need brainwashing for depression first.

Its strange that anxiety and depression go together so often ad yet the cure for anxiety assumes you have no depression whatsoever.

One Autumn Day

After another bad start I went out to the local deer park in the afternoon. It helped a lot despite the fact that there were lots of people around as its the school holiday.Its good to know that some things can help even when I feel hopeless and not wanting to do anything. I wonder how many people walk around here thinking of imminent death like me. Some must I suppose as so many people are unhappy.There is virtually no other place to go though and I hate walking anywhere in the city.

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Would you like to stop feeling lonely for good?

If you could have surgery to cut away the part of your brain which causes loneliness, would you want to get it done?

This was a question on the anxiety forum recently. For me yes, I think I would. Rather than give me motivation to go out and do things all the feelings of being alone have done is make me feel overwhelming sadness, ineptitude and disliked. I would love to enjoy doing things alone and not care at all for being with other people. I would also like to be asexual and not crave physical contact or more when its almost impossible. In my last years at work and finally being with a group of people I felt comfortable with it made me much more content. When that was taken away through no fault of my own in being made redundant then everything started to get worse again and I fell apart.

The only way I can get any contact with other humans on a day to day level is via the internet and as I have said before this has almost overwhelmingly been a complete disaster and I almost never make any connections or online friendships and have frequent arguments or people making me feel much worse. I have never learnt anything other than to become even more avoidant and give up or I have to try and not be myself as I appear to have nothing in common with the vast majority of other people. Mind you most of them on the social anxiety forums tend to be students with an exceptionally left wing view of the world and intolerant to any other opinion.