Friday Morning Thoughts on Still Being Quite Mental

I expected to find that therapy would brainwash me and make me think in a completely different way so that I would be able to do things I previously thought impossible. In reality if what I have read on some anxiety forums and blogs if true is that its more about pushing you to face up to your fears and demanding it makes you better and then blaming you for not trying hard enough or being negative when you fail. Yes, I am negative,almost certainly depressed although entirely due to circumstances rather than by a chemical imbalance. So how to stop the negativity when almost all my fears have really come true, I am much older than the majority of people online so have far less time to change and so much optimistic talk and advice which is apparently supposed to give me hope appears to be so delusional and almost a fantasy devoid from reality. Something it may have in common with religion.

Take trying to make friends or indeed even online contacts.  This fails almost every time even on anxiety forums  so my depression, negativity and avoidance actually increases just like in real life. So just going to meets and trying to meet new people is pointless as is joining support forums and trying to make online contacts. So obviously I would need something to change my mindset, negativity and depression FIRST in order to not come across as miserable and socially inept as this repels people and makes me feel hated so I become more avoidance and more depressed. What’s laughable is when you try and fail people actually get angry at you for not doing things right as if they assume its only nerves and that under pressure you suddenly burst into witty banter. I have even seen this behaviour on the TV show the Undateables about people with autism, aspergers and other mental health problems and from their own family so its quite normal to ridicule anyone who acts different to what is expected. Does this mean almost everyone only sees the world from their own point of view and is ignorant of all others. Probably. I’m still confused and mental after all these years. I still cant really comprehend that this happened to me to be honest. I would have been happy with a quite normal boring life. Mind you I am forgetting about sex again so that was never going to happen.

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3 thoughts on “Friday Morning Thoughts on Still Being Quite Mental

  1. I often thought Therapy would make my life “normal”. Never quite worked, still won’t, and I don’t really expect it to anymore.

    I think the people who sit there and claim they only think positively, or that they’ve gotten over their “negative thinking”, are in some sense lying. Negativity is a part of life. Seeing things negatively is also a part of life, and to fight it would be to fight yourself.

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t challenge yourself. I’m just saying that what I’ve found with myself is that the more I dissed myself for thinking negative, the more negative my thinking became. If your negativity is in response to a negative environment, well, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Should someone in a horrible situation feel wonderful and smile all over the place? I hear stories all the time about how strong and confident someone is when they smile through hardships and in my head I’m freaking out–that sounds borderline delusional to me, to pretend something is alright when it’s not. To pretend like something doesn’t affect you, when it does. That’s not strong, that’s just creepy. Coming from someone who constantly pretends everything is okay, I’d consider myself pretty damn creepy.

    That being said (sorry, infamous for long comments), in a session the other day I was speaking about how my anxiety pushes me to believe other people really hate me for my awkwardness or hate me because I’m not acting “normal”, or that I seem confused in social situations. My psychologist pointed out that because of the anxiety, I go in to conversations with these people literally expecting them to dislike me, expecting them to see me as awkward, weird, and socially inept. As a result, they do.

    She asked me if I could consider going in one day believing their perspective of me would be opposite. She said it only works if you actually believe it–not just saying you believe it, but actually believing it. That’s the hardest part.

    Because I’m pretty much lost on what I should do in a conversation, she gave me pointers like “ask questions about what they say” or “nod and repeat in a different way what they say”, which apparently is obvious to other people but to me not so much. And so I went in the other day only half believing I could handle a conversation with my manager and supervisor and it half worked. I asked a couple questions. I was a bit awkward, but when I caught myself saying “shit, I’m being awkward again”, I stopped myself.

    The saying really is true sometimes: the situation is only as awkward as you think it is.

    And I think that’s the goal of therapy. Not only to make you challenge yourself, but to help you think for yourself instead of letting the anxiety think for you.

    • I agree with most of what you have said. Therapy to make you think differently and help you understand things more clearly I think would like.Its what I assumes all therapy was. I dont like the sound of some CBT therapy though as it seems to demand you just keep doing stuff and get better and demand positivity when I am often as miserable as crap. The trouble is I cant just be made to think something if I dont believe it like a lot of the advice I read online. Its like someone mentioning once how some stranger went into a supermarket dripping wet and no one took any notice of them so why should they take any notice of us. In reality I could imagine people recording it on their phones and putting it all over Youtube so everyone could mock them. In reality I once got punched in the face for walking funny so now imagine myself walking like a sasquatch. Even this afternoon when out walking a youngish couple were laughing as they passed me and kept eyeing me up and I wondered if they were laughing at me or I was just being paranoid again. I suppose the key is to remember only some people are total assholes and the vast majority dont give a f**k and not giving a f**k back, well most of the time. Thanks for your comment.

  2. A good, professional therapist shouldn’t make you feel worse for not being able to progress, at least the two therapists that I had never blamed me for my failures. But then again I paid a lot of money to see them as they are very experienced. I can’t spend huge amount of money on therapy as well so I’ve only seen my current therapist for a total of 4 times. I find what works for me is that I prepare a list of questions to ask him before each session and he will in turn give me very valuable insights, book recommendations and other resources(I discovered my mindfulness class through him, for example). I am surprised at how different my mindset is 4 years ago(Suicidal, also believed that my classmates/colleagues hated me). The thing with social anxiety is that the sufferers tend to have a very distorted reality as compared to the “normals”. For example, my first legit therapist said one thing that I still remember from time to time: People from other tables in a dinning place do not spend their dinner criticising me for being weird. This is such a simple, “duh” kind of fact, isn’t it? Yet to me, I had to take years of rewiring to realise and FEEL that that is the truth. Still, everytime i went into a public place, I remember what she said and took extra notice to remind myself that simple little truth, and i internalised it eventually. As for my current therapist, he completely understands me as acts as a successful case study of an Aspie who recovered from social anxiety. He really knows what he’s doing and can cut through the layers of noise to see what my actual problem is. He finds my core issue through my ramblings and gave me valuable pointers on how to tackle them. True, I have to work hard on my side, but it’s the same like a coach helping his client to lose weight. He gives you the information, perspective shift and many resources but in the end you still need to go through the grind to get there. Still, the guidance has made me progress so much. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for my therapists.

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